[Nerrad123]

Good evening,I'm after help, I was married for a number of years to be cheated on by my wife. I have now moved on and got myself a great new partner of 15 months, the problem I have is I can't stop doubting her and her past relationship, I know deep down it's over between them as they were finished about 6 months before we met. I feel I'm always trying to compete against her ex boyfriend as she seemed to have better holidays and times with him, I try to talk about it to her but we always end up arguing and I know it must have something to do with me being cheated on with my insecurities, I really don't know which way to turn or go, I've been to the doctors but they didn't do much apart from telling me it will get easier over time. Any help or advice will be greatly appreciated, thank you

Hi...I'm glad that you're in a better relationship.

All I can offer is the suggestion that, perhaps, it just SOUNDS as if she had better times with him. Unintentionally.

If she were to tell him about you, maybe he would get the same impression from her about the both of you. Sort of like the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence?

[~Christina]

My second husband had some problems understanding that if I spoke kindly about a past partner that I wasn't happy with him..

We did have a sit down, calm conversation about the subject. His first wife cheated on him with a woman after 18 years of marriage outta the blue, so he like you had past history of being cheated on. So this kind of thing is common.

You said you have been to a Doctor about this? Was it a Therapist? Would your partner be willing to have some couples therapy to work out this or any kinks you are having relationship wise.

Welcome to PC

[hvert]

Can you tell if you feel like you are competing with him because you have an active imagination or is it that your partner is sort of introducing these comparisons?

I think it is good to trace these feelings back and get very specific about what is triggering these thoughts for you. I have found that it is easy to fall into a pattern of choosing the wrong partner. I had to figure out why I was attracted to people who were bad for me and put an end to that. I am not suggesting that your partner is a cheater or anything - but perhaps there is something she does that is a bit like something your wife used to do and it's provoking this reaction?

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Nerrad123

I feel I'm always trying to compete against her ex boyfriend as she seemed to have better holidays and times with him, I try to talk about it to her but we always end up arguing and I know it must have something to do with me being cheated on with my insecurities, I really don't know which way to turn or go, I've been to the doctors but they didn't do much apart from telling me it will get easier over time.

At first I thought that the drs were dismissive of your concerns and not taking you seriously, but I tried to see some meaning and sense in what they said and it COULD have been the following:

Since you are her recent bf, you and she simply have not had a chance to spend holidays together, or some special times together. And she and her ex bf did. So you are sort of at zero or close to zero in terms of having accumulated good memories and you are competing against a fairly big stash of positive memories (in your mind). With time, you two will have accumulated special memories, too, and you would be more "on a par" vis-a-vis the ex bf.

I agree with hvert that it is worth figuring out whether the current woman is provoking comparisons. If she is, it does not mean that she would treat you the same way as your previous partner; it could be that she simply prefers to keep you guessing in an effort to avoid having you take her for granted; or, she might have her own insecurities that she tries to suppress by making herself a target of competition.