[xMishax]

Hello everyone. My name is Mike. Im 19.
I need help with something. Maybe someone will be able to help me or atleast share their similiar experiences about same situation ( sorry for grammar mistakes, not so perfect at foreing languages )

So this summer I had a relationship with a girl I was trying to get with for about 2 years. She was, well everything I could dream of - beautiful inside and outside.When I finally got her, I was so happy... At the end of the summer she had to go abroad for 5 years, but I decided that I will wait for her coming back. So everything was running great, we had an amazing month. But one morning something weird inside of me happened. I felt unsure about my feelings, about all the relationship. I questioned myself "do I really love her" all the time. And these thoughts were driving me crazy. I couldnt focus at all. Everything seemed to be so screwed up. I didnt want my feelings towards her to chill down. I wanted to love her. I just could hold that inside of me , but I couldnt lie to her, because I was felling so guilty. Every day was getting worse and worse. I talked with my parents - they told me that this can be some kind of relationship OCD or anxiety, then I talked with her about that. She got upset, but told me that everything will be fine. But... everything was getting worse. I was stressed, depressed, crying for days. I was anxious about something I couldnt explain. She was almost perfect, how could I leave her, how could I break her little, precious heart, but something was eating me from the inside. Anxiety got over me. I decided to broke up with her. Not he most pleasent situations to be honest. That was difficult, but we made it out somehow without tears. After a month she gone abroad and I started studying at the university. But... after that broke up something was different in me. I became unsure about everything. I questioned myself about love towards my parents, loyalty towards my friends, I questioned my religion, I questioned my studies. I was unsure basically about everything. I felt so empty, I was living without any reason, I hadnt had any motivation to do stuff. I was trying to get over it, thinking that it might me complications of my recent broke up. I tried to meet with my friends, I started working out, started studying really hard. Everything seemed to get back to normal. I even met a girl from my university and got her number. She is really nice. She looks beautiful, she studies well and her personality is very similiar to mine.We had a few dates. But.... that feeling of being unsure got back. It is similiar to that feelng Ive had with a girl before, but this time that girl from my univesity and I are not even in any relationship, we are just chating sometimes and had few dates. I almost forgot about my previous relationship and at the moment Im focused on that new one. But that damn anxiety, feeling of being unsure about my feelings etc is still here. I dont know what to do. I really like that girl, she has so many good qualities. But still I dont know whats wrong with me. Even during our date Im feeling anxious and unsure, while we are both laughing and talking about something interesting. Im feeling like there is no that feeling of love. I even cant explain myself what love is for me... Im so damn destroyed and messed up inside. I dont know why I asked her number, why Im chating with her now, why I gone for a datewith her. I dont know why I am even thinking about her all the time. Maybe Im just trying to convince myself that she means something to me? I dont know!!!! urh.... Someone who had similiar experience - help. Is it because of my age? Is it some kind of anxiety or other type of illnes? Anyone?
Thank you!

[hamster-bamster]

It could be a lot of different things.

the unifying thread of all your anxieties is very simple, though.

You KNOW how you SHOULD feel and when you do not feel the way you think you SHOULD, you panic.

This is not really living a life. This is more like rehearsing or practicing or taking a peak at what life MIGHT offer.

Your life is in flux and that is age appropriate for you. That you question things intellectually is also age appropriate for you, and in general a good thing to do.

The bad thing for you is censoring how you feel. Life, with all its surprises, begins when you stop censoring how you feel or telling yourself how you should feel, but actually feel something.

For right now, cease being a censor of your feelings and attitudes and take the position of an observer. Notice how you feel without any type of judgment whatsoever. Just notice. That would be the beginning of actually living for you.