[heyhey.im.j]

First Id like to thank all who read and share an opinion on this subject, it may be a long read so I'll try to get right to the point.
My daughter is now 8 years old and lives with her grandparents on her fathers side, they live about 400 miles from me and maybe 700 from her dad. Me and her father don't speak much unless it has something to do with our child and that's as far as our communication goes. I do not ask him personal questions about where she will be when she spends time with him and his family and most of the time I'm not even aware when she's with him because no one tells me. I find out when I call to talk to her and her grandparents say she's not there. Anyway, this year I wanted to have her for Christmas this year, she has not had christmas with nor seen my family since she was 3, either because I was living in a different city or state and at one point didn't have a vehicle. But now things have changed, me and my long term bf (we don't have immediate plans for marriage) but someday we may, now have a house we own, and we each have our own cars plus an extra. It's a starter home with 3 bedrooms and 2 baths with a fenced in backyard. Back to the point, we're doing well and her father and grandparents know that (not rich, not poor). Well when I asked her father about getting her for Christmas this year I was given a really lame offer, he gets her on the 20th and I can have her on the 31-3 she has to be home on the 3rd so that's an all day trip for me to drive so technically I get 2 days with her. I offered to come pick her up from him on the 28th to save him a 4 hour drive to and back and would give me more time to spend with her. I also informed him of my moms latest health concern and why I wanted to have more time with her, not because I wanted to impose on his plans, but I don't know how well my mom will be in the next few weeks/months. She's in her late 80's and hasn't seen my daughter since she was 3 either. But when he responded to my offer, he said that he "wanted to bring her to our house so he could see it and know how to get there". That's what I'm writing this about. At first I said I can work with that, but I mentioned it to my mom and she said that it isn't his place to invite himself to our home and our lifestyle is none of his concern. I believe she is right and that was my first thought initially as well. But I was trying to be decent even though I thought it was intrusive.
I have to keep peace with them as much as possible and play their game, his parents slapped me with adoption papers when I was at a very low point in my life (right after we broke up) and I had nothing. My daughter was with her grandparents on vacation at the time and thought it was best for her to stay with them temporarily until we got settled on our own. I had nothing to offer my daughter at the time and they took full advantage of that situation. Long story short, they still try to find out everything they can about me and I honestly don't trust either of them and don't feel like my time with my daughter should be cut short because her father wants to pry. What are some thoughts, opinions on this?

Hmm, I'm not sure what to say here. You haven't seen her for 5 years. I'd say if you finally will make the effort to see your daughter than you should accept whatever offer you get. If the father wants to come and see where you live, I should think you should have no qualms about it. Your daughter has been in his parent's care since she was 3. I think he has a right to come visit you. If you are concerned about your own mother who must live near you, that would make more sense as well, to have him drive one way. Best wishes.
ps what game do you think they played? I'm assuming no one was there to force you to sign adoption papers.

[IceCreamKid]

I am a little confused by what you have written. Who has legal custody of your daughter. Did you give up your parental rights?

Your daughter's father is being reasonably concerned about where your daughter will be staying while she is visiting you. I think it is reasonable that he wants to meet your boyfriend, too, since he will be in the home while your daughter is there. He's not "inviting himself" to your home. He's concerned about his little girl's welfare. Please try to look at it that way.

Since you have a stable life now I think a visitation schedule you can count on is in order. You might want to make an appointment with a lawyer to find out how to manage that.

Do the grandparents have legal custody? You might want to see if you can work out a visitation schedule that gives your daughter time with grandparents, time with her dad, and time with you. The more loving family the little girl has the better. I hope you have a happy Christmas.

[heyhey.im.j]

I apologize for not including a detail you mentioned here. I have seen my daughter, I actually moved to the same area for a little over a year to be closer to her, when my mom was diagnosed with congestive heart failure I moved back to my home town to take care of her needs, it's my family that hasn't seen her, not me. If I'm honest here, knowing her father, the only reason he wants to see our house is to know if we're doing better than he is. He has already started another family where he is and Ive never questioned his lifestyle or asked to scope out his living situation. I'm not hiding anything, I just don't think I should feel obligated to continue giving him control of my life and how I live it just because his mother has "adoption papers" btw, they're not even notorised so in the grand scheme of things, neither of them have the upper hand when it comes to me having time with my daughter. They promised to put her in a really good private school, that I help pay for, and when the time is right she will be back with me.

[heyhey.im.j]

Her father and grandparents have both met my partner, we have both spent time with her and her grandparents have never had any concern where we go, what time we get back etc, it's not them I'm concerned about at the moment, it's her father. He has no legitimate concern, he has no more to offer her than I do, Were probably doing better financially than he is and I think that's his biggest worry. If I'm doing better, it won't be long before I have the upper hand and quite possibly full custody of our daughter. I have no intentions of keeping her away from her grandparents or father when that time comes. I do know he lives with his girlfriend and her son (not theirs) and he shares her car. Unless he's put his gambling habit aside, i'm pretty sure he's just as unstable as he's always been. I'm just a vet tech at a small private practice, so I'm not rich at all. I do what I can to help with her school etc, on a side note, it's illegal to ask biological parents for money to help support the child. But they don't know how much I know, and I help out regardless of them spending $1,000 to buy a dog, but ask me to help with tuition.

[unaluna]

It sounds to me like your mother might be causing problems? Like you were fine with their plans until she complained? I wouldnt worry too much about who has the upper hand - a judge might decide that, and decide what is best for your daughter. I would just try to be cooperative and grateful to these people who have done so much for you and your daughter every day for the past ten years of their lives.

[heyhey.im.j]

To answer the question about someone forcing me to sign the adoption papers, no. There wasn't a someone, it was a something, that something was a safe home for my daughter to come home to, me and her dad worked together so obviously I lost that job, and he took the only vehicle we had ( we we're poor at that time) and I was left with his $3,000 gambling bill on MY credit card. So I had no car, permanent address or job. While she was on vacation with his parents, he broke up with me, he worked nights I worked days it was an unhealthy relationship.So while she was on vacation we thought it was best for her to stay with his parents for a while and they offered to help us and keep her for a while, at least until we got ourselves situated. So me and her father, in front of a lawyer and notary public, jointly signed temporary custodial rights to his parents. We lived in the same state until he got a girl pregnant and ran off to where he is now. The family he sees is his dads side of the family, his mothers side is where she lives now. Back to the adoption bit, he was not present for the signing, nor was there a lawyer, there are only 2 signatures on those papers which are mine and the "notary public" there is no notary stamp on any of the copies either. I was told her father had to sign the same papers, I've never seen them so they may not exist. I did sign them because I knew it was in my daughters best interest to have stability that I couldn't offer at the time. Now I can, and I think her father knows he doesn't have much longer to call the shots.

[heyhey.im.j]

I'm sorry Hankster, you're not on the same page, I don't think you understood what you've read so far, I've added additional details, My mother hasn't complained ( I don't know where that even came from) and it's only been 4 yrs not 10. I am grateful they've helped out, but this isn't about that, it's about her father trying to pry in my current life, and not volunteering any information about his. I don't need to know who he lives with, I trust his judgement when it comes to where my daughter is when she's there with him, I expect the same respect and shouldn't feel obligated to open my doors to the him just because he's the father. He gave up his rights to her just as I did. But those were temporary, and still are legally.

[unaluna]

You wrote: At first I said I can work with that, but I mentioned it to my mom and she said that it isn't his place to invite himself to our home and our lifestyle is none of his concern. I believe she is right and that was my first thought initially as well. But I was trying to be decent even though I thought it was intrusive.*
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I will admit, its my own mom that i dont trust! But i see you trying to be decent here, and i see her trying to be "smart" and worrying about being outsmarted by the other family. I think your kindness and decency will win in the end.

[heyhey.im.j]

Very fair point there. Thanks for your clarification, I really do trust my mother, she's never steered me wrong, the reason I asked on a forum was to get an opinion about a discussion I had with a couple friends of mine. They both said he's trying to see if I'm more secure than he is, If I am then he'll know he no longer has the upper hand when it comes to visits. My mom doesn't trust him or his mothers side of the family when it comes to intentions, he's not concerned, he's being nosey and and relaying what he finds (how well we are doing) to his mother. His mother lost her job a couple years ago, so if I'm doing better I could be a threat to them and their control when it's time to get my daughter. My mothers 88 years old and been through a lot in her time, she's always been the trusting type and got screwed over many times, but realized late in life how to read people and their intentions. She doesn't want to see me get trampled on by what seems to be an "honest visit" from her father, there's something sinister lurking behind that fake concern, but being covered up by a lie that seems legitimate concern.

[~Christina]

Well since the holidays are upon us. Why not just do what needs to be done so that you will have time with your daughter , which is the most important thing. So the father sees your house? maybe the front entry if need be? It's not like he is going to be reviewing your financial situation. Make the holiday time a joy for you and your lovely child.

Once the holidays are over consult with an attorney and find out what rights you have and work towards a visitation schedule that will be in writing and be legal for all parties to be aware of and followed.

Good luck

[heyhey.im.j]

True, but since he's had her for Christmas for the past 5 years with no question I think I'm entitled to have just as much time with her and don't have to give a grand tour of my home, just like he doesn't to have her.

[persevere]

If he doesn't have a legal court order to check your home, then you don't have to comply.

Perhaps, to solve him invading your space you can suggest a third party social worker to tour your home, this way it eases his concerns and empowers you not to have to let him snoop around.

[lovefromdover]

Originally Posted by jumpinggrasshopper

But when he responded to my offer, he said that he "wanted to bring her to our house so he could see it and know how to get there". That's what I'm writing this about. At first I said I can work with that, but I mentioned it to my mom and she said that it isn't his place to invite himself to our home and our lifestyle is none of his concern.

You could inform him he is welcome to deliver daughter to your house, but you don't feel comfortable inviting him in. Also, your address is no secret and especially not to your child.
On the other hand he might want to inspect the place to asses kid's safety. You could offer pictures if that's his concern and everybody is happy.