[Kitty_Kat]

I really strongly dislike my family. I have never really felt connected to any of them, and I feel as if they don't give two [expletive] about what I'm doing. My mother asks me all the time why I don't ever talk to her about anything but my grades, and I usually just shrug and walk away.

The truth is...I don't trust her to listen to me. I don't trust her to be nonjudgmental and to have an open conversation. Every time that I talk to my family, they either tell me I'm exaggerating and looking for attention or they tell me why everything that I'm doing is wrong. Honestly, it's exhausting.

Well, I realized quite recently why I harbor these feelings for them, and I am feeling kind of guilty for it. When I was five years old, my older sister (then seven) was diagnosed with Autism. My whole life has been "Kat come to the school with me and watch your little brother while I deal with teachers" and "Kat enroll your siblings in this new school so I can go to this IEP meeting" and "Kat invite your sister along with your friends to the movie so she can socialize" and "Kat move into an apartment alone with your sister since she can't support herself." I gave up a childhood, much of my college career and a huge chunk of my social life to care for my sister. And that's fine. My sister is a lovely person who deserves the best in this life.

But what about me? Who is giving themselves up to take care of me? When I was a toddler and a child, I would tell my parents that I was alarmed because I was sad for no reason. They just thought it was cute (my mother's word). I was nine the first time that I thought about killing myself, and to this day they don't know that. If I misbehaved in school, it was because I was seeking attention. When I fell asleep during classes in middle school, it was because I was bored (not tired from disturbed sleep). When I had a manic episode and slept for weeks on the street my freshman year of college, I was just stressed and overwhelmed by moving away from home. Every rage attack was just me being a drama queen. Every depression was just attention seeking. It was like I wasn't allowed to have emotions because everyone was so busy dealing with my sister's.

Today, I was in the car with my mom and I told her that I used to be terrified of riding the subway because every time that I got on it, I would have these fears that the car would break down and we would have to get out and I would accidentally step on the third rail and die. So I'm sitting there telling my mother how the subway used to send me into panics and used to make me have visions of death, and she laughed. She thought it was funny. And in that moment, I didn't think, 'Damn my mom is a [expletive].' I thought 'I really hate my sister.'

And that's not fair to my big sis that I resent her for getting help while I spent my entire life being shoved aside. It's really not. It wasn't her fault that my mother never really saw my behaviors or emotions as disordered. Honestly, I think I'm a stronger person today because I was so persistently ignored. But really...am I just awful for blaming my sister for all of it? I try not to, but sometimes, I can't help it.

[healingme4me]

I don't feel you are awful for feeling this way, whatsoever. It wasn't fair, to you. It isn't fair, to you. Even having a shared moment, dismissed by laughter, isn't fair. Wish I had insight and wisdom to give more than a shoulder to lean on.



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[Ballerina365]

Sometimes we give so much when we have so little that eventually we find we've nothing else to give. Theres no shame in it and it doesn't make you a terrible person, in fact you should see it more as a reflection of just how much you've given and what a caring person you actually are. To be quite frank its about time someone did show you some support an love. Children with special needs do need more time and attention but its no excuse to neglect others. Try talking to your parents about how you feel and that even though you understand you'd like a little more support too. You are part of the family and by the sounds of it they are very lucky to have you. I'm glad you found somewhere you can share your feelings and feel accepted and supported. I hope things get better for you.

[Open Eyes]

No, you are not a bad person. It isn't that you actually hate your sister, it's that you hated having to be so responsible for her and that you deserved to have your "own" childhood and nurturing too.

[Fiona Alianor]

I'm so sorry you've had to go through this, honey. You are definitely not a bad person. You have been taken advantage of and robbed of your childhood. I hope you can get the love and support you need and deserve.

[Kitty_Kat]

Thank you all for the kind, supportive words. It really means a lot. This year has been the first time in my life that I have felt supported and not so alone (since getting out and away from the family), and I know that being part of this community will help as well. Thank you so much.

[hamster-bamster]

Don't throw the baby with the water, please.

You said, yourself, that mistreatment has made you stronger. It is basically the proverbial "what does not kill us makes us stronger" (myself same case with different circumstances but same outcome).

This strength is something to be proud of and cherish. Yes, you were robbed of your childhood, but at the same time you have gained experiences that children who are sheltered by overprotective parents have never gotten. I am not clear what is worse - being in your shoes or being a young adult with an overinflated sense of entitlement and lack of skills to support themselves financially, emotionally, logistically, etc. I am not exaggerating - sure, the sweet spot where the parents are appropriately protective while allowing children to take reasonable risks etc etc - the perfect solution - does exist, but between your case and a spoiled brat, I am not sure what is better and I am leaning towards your case being better.

I think the main issue in your life would be choosing how to parent YOUR children. This is not coming any time soon, but be prepared. You might overdo sheltering them, or, you might have unreasonably high expectations of them in terms of being responsible. Either way would be extreme. Finding the middle ground with your kind of past would probably be an ongoing struggle. These things do get passed down from generation to generation unless conscious effort is applied towards stopping the pattern. I am a 4th generation woman who suffered very much because her great great grandmother married at age 16 and was not quite prepared for motherhood. She married a man who was over 40 after he quit the army career, and they lived happily for many decades and had a big family with lots of kids and everything was ok, except that the first daughter got to be the second mom for her siblings. Because the mom was so young when she gave birth to her, she did not treat her the way you would treat a kid - she treated her as a little adult. And when more children came along, it was only natural that the eldest girl would help care for them.

The eldest girl got married, had one daughter, and became a widow when the daughter was 8, because her husband died from typhoid. She had typhoid herself, but survived and lived into fairly old age. She did not remarry so my grandma was an only child. Her mom was a dentist, but back then it was not a high paying job, and she worked two shifts so that they could survive. My grandma was responsible for cleaning the apartment from a young age etc. All the relatives would tell my grandma to care for and protect her mom because she was a widow and worked very hard. So again a little girl is given adult duties and responsibilities.

Then was my mom and then me, and the facts changed but the essence of the matter remained. For instance, my mom had bipolar - what now would be called bipolar II on the depressive side of things more so than on the elevated side of things - and my grandma, her mom, from my early age basically made me responsible for trying to cheer my mom up etc. I was told to be very protective of my mom.

So as you see, from the 19th century to the 21st century this succession of women who do not have a childhood because they are responsible for the health of their moms in one way or another (my grandma cleaned because her mom worked two shifts and I listened to hours of depressive rumination by my mom every day of her months long depression because that was not just my responsibility, but the very minimum of it - I never got credit for it and it was just presumed that I would do it).

Eventually I got exploited very hard by (now ex) H who made me feel responsible for everything that ever went not completely and outrageously wonderful in his own life. I did a lot of work both in therapy and by self-reflection, and came to realize that because I was being made responsible for my mother's depressions, I did not realize, for years, that I should not feel responsible for my H and then ex H, but he was making me fully responsible for absolutely everything without exception.

Ultimately, and the catalyst was the support from this forum (actually, the bipolar forum, but on this site), I came to realize what was happening, but I know now for sure (!!!) that a child who learns basic self-preservation skills would not submit to such twisted psychological abuse the way I did.

In other words, while I was spending hours at my mom's bedside listening to rumination, I somehow missed on that little but vital thing called self-preservation instinct.

So this is one way that you can pass it down from generation to generation, and I hope you would never do that (this story was essentially excessive, since you did not seem inclined to repeat your mother's mistakes with your children, but I told you the story still, for a reason, to highlight how facts can be completely difference but the essence literally the same (cleaning vs listening to ruminating mom), which means that you would need to be careful not just to avoid repeating your mom's mistakes LITERALLY (you would have absolutely no trouble figuring this one out), but also not repeating them DISGUISED.

And obviously the other extreme is over-protective sheltering, indulging every wish, hovering over children, and feeding a sense of entitlement.

Good luck on that long path ahead of you!