[Yismymindblank12]

I'm not looking for one, I'm just questioning whether I want one ever. I find it always a waste for me, and rather be with someone for a better value than what I feel a relationship for me is. It kinda feels like a profane gesture of completely just,

"oh you're my bf/gf I'm going to put you under the bus as much as possible since you are in love with me. Ok let's have sex for about within a 3 months to a year then we can split in a very fair possibly unfair fashion for both of us."

Nowadays at least. I don't believe this is like this everywhere, but it's everywhere. I kinda get sick the thought of someone liking me. Not that I don't like myself, it's just that this whole thing how it's been done is stupid. I feel that people come up to me with their own agenda. Yeah I got my own too, but I don't push it down on people or use sexual favors to get what I want all the time so lay off won't ya.
Geez, Just let me be a kid I don't know.. for how about as long as I want to.
You think I don't want to have kids with you and have a marriage like at 21 is an appropriate way to just solidify everything and call it quits on just going out, because we got 18 years of babies to feed.

I am sorry if this offends anyone who is in this, I commend you and thank you for taking care of your children and doing it well. This isn't dogging anyone like that, it's just people who try to put me in this position without telling me or giving me a say. People I've dated, people who fooled me in this trap, and people who are so desperate for having anyone leave them and have such a low self esteem they'd rather get pregnant and ruin your life just so they have you to themselves.

I mean it's happened to me a lot, and it's made me very cynical at times, and always skeptical of anyone who tries to want to be with me. I don't get surprised much, I often fake my emotions very well under a genuine mask of enjoying the good moments, but then when I'm prepared for the bad stuff flying and I don't mean the fights. I mean the scary red flags, I just dip out of there very fast block every contact lock my doors and go to every great measure to avoid people like that and shut them out.

I've came to the conclusion, someone looking for the same thing as I am exists, but I doubt it. Highly, I just find it boring, even if other people like doing it good for them, but it's just me not you.

I just find it boring to settle down, with a three year college streak going with a drowned debt, with a apartment/house rental payments out the ***. All kinds of junk everywhere, and paying for things you don't need, working your butt off to get nothing. I find it really what everything is what I see now, people where I live only want to just conserve preserve settle down as soon as you got the college you wanted to go to or job which won't pay so well, but I'm happy if you love it. I just find it for me not my cup of tea.

Personally, if I could now, I'd literally run away and intentionally be a scavenger hobo, because I'm used to not eating and losing a lot of basic living functions regularly, no food, water, heat, you name it all at once or many at different times. I'm so used to poverty, I can make it sing.. I do like the rush it brings, though, I figure if I made like so much money I wouldn't know what to do with myself. It drive me nuts eventually. So my rush my go into anxiety of not spending a penny.

I feel then relationships are hell being poor and rich or in general. It's like I live in a world where it's not really needed. It needs to be mutual and done right, but I wish I'd know what that feels like than being told

"oh hey!! come around this corner let me show you something you can trust me not bashing your skull into the dumpster behind here where I left all the other people I damaged badly."

I know it sounds like I'm being sarcastic, but I'm just putting humor for myself. I just think it's funny when people "Fall in love" met a guy or a girl for a year get married and jump to cambodia to live a life where they eventually split before they get off the plane.

Love is a curse word, like the F word, but it's the big L word. The only way it's used properly when you have feelings and you do anything for them out of trust and pure gratitude whether getting something back or not.

I don't really care, I figured I wish I dated someone who was grateful I was around not really what I have and what I do. I feel like I can't be a tall model, I'm working on my physique and it's coming along great, but no matter how my looks would be there'd inevitably be comparisons on how I don't measure up to other dudes from the people that may like me or not.

For this, I find it said, like really said. It's not like a good reason, like they really like the guy because he's super nice to me, and is my best friend. I did like once, and I'm not talking to her, but still friends with her. It's stuff like, "oh he's good in bed. he works out. He has tattoos. He has a truck or a tractor. He smokes a lot dope. He has plenty of booze." and so on.

Like for one, sexual pleasure is subjective both ways. You may think it's amazing and he may thought it was **** and she may thought he was terrible and wanted him to stop, but he's going on a role in his mind. Then like the looks stuff is subjective too, but I'm not getting into that, because everyone has their own physical preference. So that's a given to everyone, but like tattoos I mean if they have tattoos and they are using him to get some or her. Then with trucks and dope like go get your own dealer and buy your own truck and booze."

I am not serious on the paragraph above, but I just get baffled how I will get all rude and shut them out or literally walk away, because I don't have time to listen to you brag to me about the people you like. If I shown any feelings I liked, which I don't give anyone much, even people I date it's the same all around the words and actions that show don't matter to me. I walk away, ignore, and maybe tell you to leave me alone and don't talk to me, just because I'm not at a disagreement with you. I just don't like you, not that you are a bad person, but you wouldn't be good with me ever. I don't ever seeing me with you.

That's how I look at relationships.

I seriously want to be wowed, like someone that inspires me and it's fun to be around them. I see this **** happen with people I know with strangers, why the hell am I stuck at a mcdonalds with people spitting ketchup in my face barking about how much they need to get a diet coke, because obviously their diet isn't working. I'm completely serious that did happen to me recently. Like how am I supposed to find someone in this rubble of a city and it's morals in the toilet like anywhere else, but oh well. I figure if I could do cooler things than have a fulfilling relationship could work just fine with me. I'm already on it, I just find it more stressful in any way actually considering it.

I make this all of this just to show. I've truly given up, like I'm not depressed or angry or loathing about it. I just don't care for one. The opportunity will arise crap is just crap to get me motivated, that's just my experience sorry if it's different and worked well with you, but it hasn't ever for me. I don't need time, I could use time for other things Figure that, I find it wasteful and it makes me angry how I'm so pressured by the people I don't want to be pressured by in my family not my immediate or close relatives thankfully.

I figured that mindset is counterproductive with me, I feel immediately threatened, like as if they are saying well "sorry no one has taking to liking of you as a person ever, I mean I couldn't stand you, but if you be patient someone will show up, but good luck." That would be the honest response from my previous, so called "friends."

I mean this isn't the things that make me sad, more disappointed why I even bother being here. I'm just ranting at this point since the begging of this post.

The one thing that made me hopeful, was a therapist when I was in residential unit for mental health like when I was 17 I think. A long time ago he told me something that sounded pretty sexy or enticing to me, " find someone who is more healed than you and can be in your shoes well."

Yeah I wish that was true, I thought it was, I dated a few people I thought were like that, tends to be they weren't healed they only cared about getting what they want and no one can get in their way instead of politely warning me that they are a ticking time bomb and rather want to destroy and burn bridges at a moments notice.

I think most of the pressure that gets me the most feeling down in the dumps is the media, how they like to over glamorize it and make it seem so easy. I am so aware it's very far from that.

I'd like to do stuff like that, fairy tale stuff, but in a realistic way with someone. I am possibly dating this girl near me, she's really sweet so far seems what I'm looking for, but I'm skeptical very very very skeptical. She's coming out of a relationship, she trusts me, but it doesn't get me enough assurance how she descriptively said she is done, but I do trust her. That's all I need to feel content even at times it's hard to do that for me very hard for anyone even my friends when I trust them on anything. I don't know if it's worth it, because I lost faith it would be. No matter how bright it may look. I get so sad, that I'm expecting it won't and far worse it ends up me having a lot of my friends ditch and not be friends altogether.

I feel very melancholy at times, sometimes in a daze just try to enjoy the short small things I like. I figure the things how I handle my crap is the basis of actually coping with someone for a very long time if it does happen the way I hoped it would. I feel it would still be hard at times, but a lot easier to handle, because of my experience.

All I did was take a step back and look at what people keep doing all the time. I never miss a beat on the words used, the games, the tricks, the masks, the intentions, the feelings, everything on how it works with any kind of relationships.
Like my therapist said, too many younger overly emotional, getting too sexual at a too young of an age, and just getting so damaged from their mistakes so early sometimes stunting their ability to actually emotionally take care of themselves. I'm one of those people too, but I got out so that gives me some hope that hopefully others do.
Now at 21, I wished I had my virginity and I wished I had just not dated those people, I mean it's great that they taught me the best lessons in life and relationships ever, but that cost was huge and overwhelming all the time. It feels like a burden when you want to talk to a girl, but when you are fine about it, you feel mostly tired and just say to yourself, "what am I doing? I could be playing xbox now, or going to work or hanging with friends, but instead I'm talking to this girl who'd probably waste my time."

I have lots of confidence, I intentionally don't like putting myself out there for people I don't like. I don't care what they call me, if I don't see them as a nice person or that they care I'll tell em straight up how nasty they are.

I just want to see that double standard go away, and feeling having to be tough and I just don't care. I'm not saying, like as in I have no emotions, I get emotional a lot. I just don't care having the silly conversation and I guess this drama my friends put on me and the constant disappointment, wore me out completely. Like I feel like if someone said, "you want to go out with me." It's almost as bad as if someone called my mom a lot of nasty things and punched her, it's that offensive to me sometimes, but not when they are joking. I'm ok with that.

I don't know how I put all this in, but here it goes.

[LiteraryLark]

This was really well written. I think you've gotten things figured out. You should show this to your therapist.