Relationship Issue - Long Distance Relationship Breaking Up After 3.5 years

Hello everyone,

I am a 29 year old guy originally from Singapore who is currently residing in Perth Australia for the past 8 years. I left home to pursue my tertiary education and I have just recently completed my master degree and looking for a job.

Throughout my undergraduate (4) years in university, I had a depressive and emotional relationship who I later learnt from my counsellor that she was exhibiting traits of Borderline Personality Disorder. Since then I was on my own coping and in recovery.

Six months after I had recovered from my depression, I reconnected with a high school friend from Singapore. She emailed me out of the blue and we started corresponding. Back in high school, we got along really well. Through her messages, I learnt that she had recently ended a six year relationship because her fiancée cheated on her. We started chatting being mindful of jumping into a rebound relationship because of our similar situations. We even told our own counsellors that we were seeing back then about this blossoming relationship.

Fast forward to present day, we had a fabulous 3.5 years of long distance relationship. We travelled and visited each other often and also travelled to other destinations for holidays.

I have now completed my master degree and I am looking for employment. Ten days ago, she told me that she does not have the intention to migrate to Australia because of the lack of a similar job and dread the change in lifestyle as Perth is very different from Singapore. And I also understand she is daunted by the lack of social support if she migrates to Australia.

I am heart broken and clueless and lost. She is also feeling horrible and upset about making me feel this way. We still chat online and express our feelings and love for each other.

Should I move back home and give the relationship another chance? Or should I let go of my soul mate and be on my own. I do feel lonely as I do not have family or relatives in Australia.

I am not sure what to do. The geographical location is such a big barrier in our relationship.

I am happy to hear other thoughts.

Thank you for reading.

-T

Teee, welcome to Psych Central. sorry to hear you are having a difficult situation with your commuter relationship.

One thing that you did not mention is kick the can down the road. Look for a job. Start making a network of friends and even a possible girl friend. See what happens.

The good thing is that she has made a decision - you are not giving her an ultimatum. She is. So you are free to explore other options and see what works out. if things don't work out you could return to Singapore but you may find the lifestyle limiting after experiencing Perth.

The fact that she is not discussing options but giving you an ultimatum, may indicate she is not the perfect match you think. Only you know. But someone that is inflexible can mean a lifetime of options limited by their inflexibility.

Here are articles that may give you clues what to do
Psych Central - Search results for Long distance relationships

What are the advantages and disadvantages for you of settling in Singapore and looking for work there?

Hi CANDC,

Happy new year to you and thank you for giving me your perspective. I can't believe the first month is nearly over.

Thank you very much for casting a bigger picture for me to see. I will have to recover from this incident and appreciate other possibilities that life has to offer.

I want to say, it has been really difficult this past month and returning to your response over and over again helped me to be somewhat constructive.

Back to this relationship, we have communicated throughout the month and she is still holding on to her decision to call our relationship off. She is apologetic and concerned. I am heartbroken. But at the same time, I am glad we are talking and being honest with each other.

Your last paragraph resonates the most with me. Thank you for your response and wisdom, I appreciate it


[QUOTE=CANDC;4184317]Teee, welcome to Psych Central. sorry to hear you are having a difficult situation with your commuter relationship.

One thing that you did not mention is kick the can down the road. Look for a job. Start making a network of friends and even a possible girl friend. See what happens.

The good thing is that she has made a decision - you are not giving her an ultimatum. She is. So you are free to explore other options and see what works out. if things don't work out you could return to Singapore but you may find the lifestyle limiting after experiencing Perth.

The fact that she is not discussing options but giving you an ultimatum, may indicate she is not the perfect match you think. Only you know. But someone that is inflexible can mean a lifetime of options limited by their inflexibility.

Here are articles that may give you clues what to do

Hi Bill3,

Happy new year to you. Thank you for writing me

The advantages of settling in Singapore are:

-Being with my mom, she is currently staying on her own now because my father recently passed away.

-Having friends around.

-Being back home (in this sense, I am describing more of the culture and society)

Disadvantages are:

-Employment income is much lower compared to what is offered here in Perth Australia.

-Singapore has a busier and hectic lifestyle compared to Perth.

-Because I move back in with my mom, I would definitely miss being independent and living on my own.

-Might not be easy to get a job that I enjoy working

Must you live with your mom? Perhaps you could live close to her and retain independence.

What about your soul mate, how does she figure in the advantages or disadvantages of Singapore?

Even though she has reasons to stay in Singapore, she does seem to care a lot about you. One way to think about this is to note that you prefer Perth and she prefers Singapore, and ask to whom would it be the bigger loss to accept living in the location preferred by her/his soul mate?

Being in a long distance relationship (dating) is not the same as living together. While you have stated that you are willing to relocate, she has declared that she will not. I think the whole "soul mate" thing is a bit one sided.

I want you to be happy, BUT:

What if you move back to Singapore and things don't go as planned between the two of you? Will you be able to go back to Perth? (visa, etc.)

What if your career is hampered by living in Singapore? Are you able to accept that without feeling resentful towards her?

Moving home also means living with your mom. Can you do that after being on your own? Are you willing to fill your father's shoes?

There is a big difference between 'long distance' and 'live together' relationships. If you were truly soul mates ( if even there is such a thing) you would get together one way or another. Only you know the value you place on each of the pros and cons. For instance , 'how old is your mother' does she need someone to live with her and help her. Long term would you do that etc etc. I think your gut feeling is that you want to stay in Australia and make a life for yourself. Maybe give yourself 6 months. If you don't get the job you want, then reconsider.

Hi Bill3,

I would like to live on my own if I were to move back to Singapore but it is not financially viable as I have just graduated and unemployed at the moment. That said, living on my own is possible down the road.

For her, she has been working for the past 7 years and being career focused, her job is important to her. This would be an advantage to her as she has job security and have her family and friends.

The only disadvantage from her point of view is the long working hours she has to put in for her job.

She also mentioned that she is not comfortable with migration because she has never lived abroad for work or studies before and is not used to being independent. I feel this is something she has to learn and make the decision to step out of her comfort zone because it would be a mental breakdown waiting to happen if she were to migrate with her current mindset.

Hi toolman65,

Thank you for your questions. I agree that this is one sided and I as I have replied to Bill3, she mentioned that she is not comfortable with migration because she has never lived abroad for work or studies before and is not used to being independent. I feel this is something she has to learn and make the decision to step out of her comfort zone because it would be a mental breakdown waiting to happen if she were to migrate with her current mindset.

Q: What if you move back to Singapore and things don't go as planned between the two of you? Will you be able to go back to Perth? (visa, etc.)

A: As an Australian permanent resident, if I lived outside of Australia for less than 3 years, I will be able to return to Perth without any trouble. If I am absent from Australia for more than 3 years, I would have some administrative challenges returning to Perth.

Q: What if your career is hampered by living in Singapore? Are you able to accept that without feeling resentful towards her?

A: If my career is hampered by living in Singapore, I will not be resentful towards her because we understand that we are responsible with our career decisions. Likewise, I felt apprehensive about her career if she were to migrate because I was aware that she would not be able to find a similar job to her current employment if she moved to Perth. But I did open up to say I am happy to relocated to Sydney or Melbourne if that meant more choices for us.

Q: Moving home also means living with your mom. Can you do that after being on your own? Are you willing to fill your father's shoes?

A: This is the most difficult question to answer because I am not just not sure. When I was growing up I don't share similar values and life outlook with my mom and I find it challenging to communicate with her. A stereotype way of describing her is like an Asian tiger mom character. As the only son, I recognise that she does have her best interests for me. She is very strong willed in her opinions and I find that abrasive most of the time. I learnt to cope by avoiding her if I can and much prefer to communicate with my father but he's a man of very little words. Since his death six months ago, I made up my mind to put in all the effort I can muster to communicate with my mom because she is my only parent left. We made progress and acknowledged our differences in opinions but we do fall back into frustrated arguments due to conflicts in what she thinks is best for me.

Hello ptangptang,

Thank you for writing me

Yup, it's true there is a difference between long distance and live together relationships. Also, I think you caught me out there. I guess I was romanticizing my relationship by using the term soul mates especially since we are no longer officially in a relationship. We are currently still talking to each other because we get along well with each other.

I agree that to love is to let go and if we are meant to be together, we will end up together. I think I just wanted to make sure I didn't let go of a cherished relationship without putting in effort to ensure I have addressed misunderstandings and concerns from the both of us.

Q: 'how old is your mother' does she need someone to live with her and help her. Long term would you do that etc etc.

A: My mom is 55 years old and is physically normal and healthy. Being the only child, I feel that she is now lonely because my dad passed away six months ago and she has been living on her own ever since. Even though she does not need to be taken care of, I feel that me returning home (even for two to three years) would make her happy.

I think your gut feeling is that you want to stay in Australia and make a life for yourself. Maybe give yourself 6 months. If you don't get the job you want, then reconsider.

I do feel this way because I moved to Perth eight years ago as an international student to work towards where I am today. It was difficult studying and working at the same time and now that I have finished my postgraduate studies and gained my Australian permanent residency, I would like to make a life for myself. At the same time, the breaking up of this relationship makes me feel so lonely on the inside. I will take your advice and give myself six months and then re-evaluate my situation.