I don't want it.

I found a post about a girl I like who I thought liked me like the normal story we got pretty close. I was happy we became very close friends, but that's all it's going to be. I don't want this anymore. I don't even want to tell her how I feel, I don't even want to be honest. I'm not afraid, I don't have the patience. I get it, I hate not dating her, because when she finds someone else she'll push me away like everyone else.

I'd rather die, than get close to people. I truly hate humans. I truly hate being one. I hate being alive, I hate feeling, despite the pain feeling good and self punishment punching myself, starving myself, and anything to harm myself emotionally and physically. I just torture myself, because I don't have any other reason to live. I have no reason to love someone else, they never give it to me regardless why should I bother helping them.

Yeah it may help the very short term, but so ****ing what. I get nothing always, I tell them my honest feelings. I really really like this girl, I wouldn't mind if I didn't date her as long as she doesn't abandon me. At this point, I don't ****ing care.!

I can't trust one person, I can't. I can't even trust myself making these decisions. I've been screwed so much being a guy. I'd rather burn myself with severe burns where I'm a zombie almost then kill myself, cuz I know I can handle it. I almost died plenty of times, why not sooner than later.

Being close to someone is worse than hell to me, relationships feel like hell. No matter how close or not they are. I hate any relationships. I can't get any help for this. Even in my therapy sessions...

I really like this girl, I can't even prove how hard. I want to be with her, no matter how patient and how painful and hard it's for me to keep it going as friends.

I realized, I hate touching girls or lets say getting too playful. Like picking them up on my shoulder jokingly, tickling them or anything that I feel makes me uncomfortable, when my other guy friends can. I don't know why....

It's so infuriating when you are always misunderstood it makes you want to give up on life, because no matter how hard you push yourself you're never enough. Why can't she see, I'm trying.... I wanted to be a girl, so I can be with her. I wanted to be a girl, because I like being a girl. I wanted to be pretty and not some ugly big brute, I don't like this body. I just want to go into the mirror cut my hair off and cut my face up. I just don't want to see what I see in the mirror anymore.

I can't love anyone who thinks I'm disposable. I just want to die now man.

This is the hardest part even though this will make me stronger in the short term. My feelings will eventually be destroyed it's like I can't enjoy the moments, almost fearing it's going to be over. I'm tired of it. I can't accept it and I won't, because I've been treated so badly I deserve something better. So many nice people leave me, so many people no matter how they are seen as to others and no matter how hard they may have it. I am always pushed under them and thrown away..

I don't like being here, I feel if I died no one would notice because that's how I've been treated. No matter how many people say I'm sorry. I can't forgive them. It's that feeling of neglect is too much. It's overwhelming everyday I just want to die now. I don't want to ask her if everything is on the same page, because I don't want to do this again having to trudge through a bunch of lame jerks in my life to find one decent person to throw me away for superficial reasons. I just feel that I'm not worth anything because of who I am.....

I hate you. I seriously hate you... I hate you and I don't know you... I feel betrayed by anytime I feel something good. It always feels undeserved.

I don't need to get over myself just stop being so judgmental and critical how I don't meet your needs or I seem scary because of things outside of me that I can't control. That my tears shouldn't mean I'm weak and I am not going to be a good partner nor friend and you should throw me away..

The way you look at that girl to notice you, well I'm in your shoes too, so don't do this to me. I won't talk to you for awhile and I'm not coming out. I'm scared, I'm scared of getting hurt. I don't want to put any emotional investment. I don't care if I'm doing relationships all wrong in this mindset. I didn't tell her she can't be herself I accepted for who she is. I don't care if she likes other girls, I don't care if she goes out with someone else over me, just don't forget about me and leave me. I hate anyone who leaves me for stupid reasons...

My mother left me, my father ignores me, my friends left me, my so called family left me when I needed them most... I don't have anyone to go to. Why don't you understand!!!

I just want to hurt myself, not because I'm broken and damaged. I'm trying so ****ing hard. Just for someone to love me, even if you didn't ask me to. I hate being me. I have the problem I shouldn't exist. I shouldn't be loved or have friends. I live life to suffer because I don't have any other reason to live. I don't care if I am outside in the cold waiting for you while you live life comfortably indoors with someone you love. I don't care if I have to wait for 50 years. If it's going to bring me closer so be it. At this point, I'd rather something take me at any moment who does understand me...

Relationships are so ****ing hard. I hate how I want them, and I hate them. I hate them I don't like them. I don't like seeing them I don't like being near them, I don't like them associated with me. I have voices in my head who constantly tell me, "you must be so ****ed up to be broken further than anyone else that love gives you a reason to kill yourself like that. huh?" "You shouldn't listen to her, she might not hurt you today, tomorrow, in 2 weeks or even 2 years, but she'll get you eventually and destroy anything in you eventually."

See if I was able to be more social and if I didn't have a body I hate. If I wasn't a guy or have to be tough or anything. If I had to be a pretty girl I'd take it just to get what I need. If I have to kill myself just to feel loved even if I'm not available to witness it so be it.

You have to understand where I'm coming from, "I'm not like you. I don't have your support, I don't have your friends, I don't have your family, I don't have your financial support or medical health like you do. I don't have it, I can make the most without anything. and if I don't have lots of money a fancy car, drugs, good in bed skills, social skills, friends, family, whatever you want. I'm nothing to you? is that right?"

I'm so ****ing done with a society that requires me to have something to give something to earn something. I never had any right to live or anything, I was just here to work as a slave and die...

That suicide is frowned upon as me copping out and being weak. I don't care, I'm not weak, I can't deal with ****. It's so hard. I just wanted you to love me and not throw me away...

The fact you really like this girl and in my position and even though you notice me and have me around and you really like her because your friends want you to go out with her. Do what you want... I have no control that's all you... Just know I tried very hard for you to notice me. I am done... I wish I Could of been a girl, I wish I wish I wish...

Don't feel bad if you really do, just don't take it too hard. It was hard enough knowing you were happy when I did make you feel better. It's very painful I can't change my body to fit your liking...

Hugs Please call a crisis line Common Hotline Phone Numbers | Psych Central

It sounds like you are having such an awful time right now. Confusion around your sexuality and severe depression in the mix. You need to take care of you.