[kim_johnson]

I've had a pretty strained relationships with my Mother since forever. Managed to get out and be put in a foster home type of situation when I was 14 and lived independently (on welfare) fairly much since then, so I could continue on with school in all it's various forms.

I have older half siblings. They are much older (left home before I was born). From an earlier marriage. Both of those marriages ended relatively early. My older sisters left home as soon as they were able and one of them has only recently got back in touch with Mother after having nothing to do with her for around 10 years.

I've had periods of having nothing to do with her, as well. Easiest if she doesn't know my phone number etc.

It is hard to describe her... What is wrong with her (wrong with me?) What it is about her that is so very toxic...

I've done a lot of work over the years to try and become a better person. This has included building myself up in various ways. Learning how to better comfort myself and look after myself. It has also meant to facing up to limitations and weaknesses, I think. I think I am able to be honest with myself about things that are hard.

Sometimes I worry that in rejecting her... I'm not being honest with myself. Not facing up to things that I struggle with. Or whatever...

I think, though, that I've been coming to the conclusion that none of that matters. I find her such hard work to be around. I feel like she's continually poking at me to try and push me off center. I feel like when she succeeds she takes immense delight and triumph in having succeeded. I feel like... I'm a worse person around her. I think I am strong enough for me, now. But that was hard earned. I'm certainly not strong enough for the both of us.

She doesn't seem to know how to help herself. Or... I guess she's mostly alright on her own. But she will obsess about other people, rather. Is very nosy about what her neighbours are up to etc. But she doesn't seem to have this conception of how if you want people to want to spend time with you then you need to be nice to them, respectful to them, kind of them etc.

Or.... She does have this notion of (her words) being on her 'best behavior'. For when she really is lonely, I guess. But then her conception of that is her totally subjugating / losing complete touch with what is going on for her... I guess that is it.

Like how... She'll feign an interest in something that doesn't interest her at all... Then after some time she'll want to rant incessantly on about something I don't care about (e.g., the life history of ALL the neighbours up her street) and if I say 'look, I'm really not interested in hearing about all your neighbours' she'll be 'but I listened to you!

And I'm like: Well, you seemed interested.

She doesn't have a conception of... Meeting anyone half way.

Yeah.

Of course... I have this (to a lesser extent)... I think... I think I do.

But the fact of it is... It doesn't help me much to interact with her. I'm not learning to be a better person. I'm not strong enough for the both of us and she seems determined to floor me...

I think... I best just leave her be. I feel badly about this... I don't know what to say.

I guess it is because we don't have anything in common. We like art... But it's like minding a three year old with her telling me the way it is all the time and not being able to appreciate that each viewer is a unique perspective / pov...

[kim_johnson]

Sorry... Working through this...

It is because long lost sister has come back and they have been spending lots of time together and so now Mother doesn't feel so lonely so now Mother is being intolerable (e.g., not on her 'best behaviour' at all). So when you talk to her... She just rants at you... Because if you don't give her anything... That's okay. Because she isn't hungry.

That is what it is, I guess. This desperation for human connection - on her terms. Feigning is okay. She doesn't mind that. If you feign an interest then that is nearly as good for her. Perhaps... That is better, in some sense. Because now... There is some guilt or something like that... Some sense of duty or obligation... Something that puts you in her debt... Something towards future feignings...

I can't be real with her. Any sign of weakness... Is something she will latch onto and... Exploit. For lack of a better word. If she detects an area of sensitivity... E.g., embarrassment about periods or breast growth or something in an 11 year old then she'll talk loudly at anyone who will listen about how isn't it so very funny that x is all shy about such things... I mean... Everyone present will be blushing on my behalf and still she'll continue on in blatant disregard... No, no blatant disregard... In triumph.

The triumph. I don't get it.

The 'happy puppy' thing. That she does.

I feel like we were a pretty bad fit. But then I also don't see what kind of kid would have been a good fit for her. Maybe... One with a very thick skin who took delight in being slapped around? One who... Felt chronically under-stimulated who thrived under her heavy hand?

Maybe one with... No autonomy at all. Maybe... An inanimate object, even. One she could take out and do whatever she wanted with whenever she wanted and then she could forget about it again...

Kinda like relating to people on the internet.

I guess the thing is that thinking on her... Only gets me feeling badly. About her. About me.

Time for me to move on.