[Joloto69]

I married in March this year. Its a decision I now regret as clearly my husband is incapable of being a husband. When we met he was close friends with two women. We all worked together. He was caring kind funny sensitive and we did lots together. Though we didnt announce or relationship at work, for me that was because it would be unprofessional and i wanted to wait til i was sure. He said the same but looking back im not sure. He always seemed to be spinning plates and i took a different tack than usual in that 'if you want me make the effort im not sitting around' but i think he used this as an excuse when he was late or with his friends. Their relationships ended rather dramatically when one found out about me. She always maintained they werent in a relationship but she left her job. The other had a breakdown ( she was a tad unstable) and asked him to leave the home he was renting from her. He moved in with me and things for me were fabulous. He proposed and we set a date. I had started with menopause, was dealing with a depressed mum and my anxiety was increasing and i know i coukd be stressed but talked. We still went on holiday etc. Bombshell in Dec i found out he kissed a colleague. I made her aware he was engaged and him aware he had to chose. He chose me. And then slept with her. After that he was so sorry and though tried to say it wasnt me i wouldnt talk. Which is crap cos one thing I do is talk. I decided to forgive him and to get married. A decision i now regret. Apparently he hasnt been happy since May! Even though weve talked and ive asked are you happy. The answer is always yes. The only time he isnt is when i disagree or i need to talk about what he did. Its almost like its over get over it. He then sulks gets angry and stomps off. He lied to an old friend about being married the reason so she didnt tell his ex wife who would call and hassle him. Even though this person didnt have the ex contact number! When confronted with that fact he went off on one. I then found through pc history he was on a dating site. Denied it until i showed him a sentence he always says (he is romanian his grammar is not the best) then admitted it. Reason - we werent talking. Eh????? At this point i just thought what a load of crap. And started seeing him differently. For all he says he loves me he isnt showing it. His excuses are actually really sad. He was talking to women the opposite of me - unemployed and from what i read not well educated. Why? Marrying me was the best day of his life!!! It wasnt even sex he says which doesnt surprise me as i tolerate a less than amazing sex life where he lasts a couple of minutes if that. I apologise for the rambling but i am trying to make sense of this. My counsellor labelled him a psycopath based on this which i disagree with. I know its over but feel like the last 3 years have been a lie and im hurting

[TishaBuv]

I don't think it was fair of your counselor to label him a psychopath. She doesn't even know him.

He's a cheater, probably can't be monogamous. You knew it but kidded yourself and married him anyway, now you regret it. If you want to end the marriage that's fine. You can end it and then forgive yourself for your lapse in judgement.

Whatever you felt was genuine. The past four years weren't a lie for you. It's just that you were in love with a cheater, plain and simple.

[MickeyCheeky]

You're still in time to end a marriage.. sometimes things like this happens. It's not your fault.. we're only human

[Joloto69]

Thanks for the replies (I tried to quick reply but it disappeared twice!) I am tired and anxious at present hence the rambling. I dont understand blaming me - he did it again today when I challenged him to tell me why he kept saying he was happy when he wasnt. Again he turned it onto me and accused me of texting an ex (I dont!) and then had a strop. he seems to think I need to make some changes?? Guess I will be fine but I dont understand this behaviour at all especially when what you say and what you do are poles apart!

[healingme4me]

Might even be able to get an annulment?

Sounds like the sense of disappointment can take its toll over time where he is a cheater plus leaves you open to the danger of diseases that he could bring home.

Wishing you wellness whatever decisions you make.

[Joloto69]

Im not sure that annulment is that easy in the UK? I'd have to look into it Im cross with myself for trusting him when the signs were there. And disappointed he is what he is

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by Joloto69

Thanks for the replies (I tried to quick reply but it disappeared twice!) I am tired and anxious at present hence the rambling. I dont understand blaming me - he did it again today when I challenged him to tell me why he kept saying he was happy when he wasnt. Again he turned it onto me and accused me of texting an ex (I dont!) and then had a strop. he seems to think I need to make some changes?? Guess I will be fine but I dont understand this behaviour at all especially when what you say and what you do are poles apart!

He's gaslighting you to deflect his bad behavior. Lots of bad behavior happening on his part. Things are not going to get better, I doubt this guy can or will change.

Originally Posted by Joloto69

Im not sure that annulment is that easy in the UK? I'd have to look into it Im cross with myself for trusting him when the signs were there. And disappointed he is what he is

These are the rules in the UK https://www.gov.uk/how-to-annul-marr...nul-a-marriage

[LookingforCalm]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. As an older woman myself, I have to listen to my gut. Sometimes I'm wrong; but if you guys are already fighting about things like this I don't see it getting better.

If you have to ask him if he's happy, I think that's your sign. You should KNOW he's happy. He'll show it.

I know it's not as simple as that. But remember - he was on a dating site while being with you.

I'm so sorry you're hurting. I hate that you are, and I've been there. Well, maybe not exactly like you...

You deserve better.

[Crazy Hitch]

He has absolutely no idea what commitment means. None. You deserve better. I'd be seeking a divorce asap if I were in your shoes.

[Joloto69]

Thanks. Once again its 4am and im awake anxious sick and in tears. I deserve much better than this. I noticed yesterday he was on whatsapp both times whilst out with the dog! Maybe innocent but i dont trust a word that he says. Im not sure if i can annul as the marriage was consumated and the other reasons dont apply. I need to concentrate on me as i dont want to be suffering with depression and anxiety again.

[divine1966]

Go see a lawyer. File for divorce. Be done

[Shazerac]

You know what needs to be done. You are stressed because ending a relationship is a very difficult thing to do. This man is 99% not going to change.

[Joloto69]

You are so right he won't change!!! I have spent the last week listening to protestations of how sorry he is how he wasn't going to meet anyone how he loved me and would do anything to get things back on track even going to counselling. Yet guess what!!!! Today I found two more bloody profiles set up three days ago. He is clearly unhinged and I am crystal clear now on what I am doing. But it will be me in charge! !!! I'm almost laughing at how stupid he is!!!