[LoLaLoLa]

i can't feel love.. there is no one that i love.. I have a family (parents & siblings)..but we are emotionally distant to each other.. well, if someone ask whether i love my family..of course my answer will be yes, because that is the appropriate answer and no other answer is acceptable for that kind of question.. But honestly i feel like it just on the surface.. I spent time with them only few days in a month..but i call my mom daily and speak with her for just like a minutes everytime..just to let her know that i reach home safely..and for me just to make sure she is still alive.. I know it sound rude, but i grow up with the thought that my mom will die when i can't see her, so the anxiety will kick in if i can't reach her..

My father is a very distant person..he is emotionally unavailable.. When i was a kid, i always wondering why my father is not like everyone else father.. He seldom talk to us or my mom..never hug us, never show any kind of affection.. he prefer to eat alone than together with us..and there is no emotional conversation that i can remember..he don't even ask how our days going on..how's school...nothing..a very distant person..

my mother is ok, but she will always says " you will know how is life without mother when i die!" whenever she got angry at us.. I am quite sensitive and that kind of things really get into my head.. So i try my best not to annoy her and become a really good child.. I did well at school and at home.. I hate it when my siblings makes my mom upset..i don't want her to die..

I am 28 this year, and never really have a taste of real love.. I once like my best friend really much that i thought i want to marry him..but he doesn't like me as much as i do, so it ended up unrequisited love..it's happened few years back and i am been empty for a long time..

and now when i see a couples, i am wondering whether they are really love each other.. what is love?..i sometimes can't see the reason why people want to be with someone.. i am wondering why people want to get married and having a child when it just bring a suffering.. My family is poor, so it is a lots of hardship when i grew up..so all i can imagine is the suffering..

i don't like matured people, they scared me and i feel like they are going to engulf me if i associate with them.. Eventhough i am 28, i am still child at heart (no, i am not trying to sound young or whatsoever) i just dunno how to act my age.. whenever i saw matured people..i feel like i want to hide behind adult..but obviously i can't do that since i am adult physically..so i have to put adult mask to deal with them..and it can't be wear for too long..it's so tiresome to pretend being someone that you are not..

i want to be able to love someone..real love and not only because they are useful.. i seem to be really selfish..i only keep people that useful for me being it for emotional or physical benefit.. My circle of friend is really small.. I try my best not to rely on people.. I am being disappointed too many times and i had enough of that sucks feeling of being sad because of friends..

i sometimes wonder whether people are really what they are.. When someone is excited over something..deep down i will questioning whether it is genuine or fake.. I mean how can people feel so excited for the things that doesn't excites me.. We see the same things, but i can't feel it and most of the times i just fake the reaction..well i still need to blend in and appear normal in public..

Yeah..a very long thread and contains a lots of unrelated paragraph.. I just want to express my view.. Any insight is much welcome.. Sometimes my logic doesn't makes sense at all..

[CANDC]

Lolalola, I am glad to see you posting on Psych Central. I am sorry you feel so unloved. Here at Psych Central many people share what they are going through and I realize things I have gone through and are going through are so much the same or similar to what other people have gone through.

It is hard for me to feel loved when I am still trying to get something I believe I don't have. It is like the story of two fish swimming in the ocean, frantically looking for something. Finally they stop and rest. The first says to the second. We have to find the water. We just have to! Let's go the second says and they both race off in search of the water.

Maybe the biggest break through in my life was when I gave up on getting something for myself and started getting involved with helping others. In hospice I could see how people wound up after a life time and how they all reacted in their own way. some acceptance. some still running. Helping others opened a window. It is still affecting me even now.

Thank you for sharing your story.

[unaluna]

If you google "the emotionally absent mother" you will fing a book and other search items of interest. Everything you say makes good sense to me. My mother says the same thing, it is indeed very hurtful andnot helpful.

[LoLaLoLa]

Thanks for the reply, it meant so much when people read my post.. I feel the need to talk and express my feeling.. I want to be heard..

[BeaFlower]

LoLa, maybe if you don't really love anyone yet it's just because you didn't meet the 'right' people yet. Hope that you find someone to love Surely you can. Love doesn't bring only suffering.
What about talking to a therapist about your feelings? It could help.
Good luck