[Rose3]

I go to a group with a specific focus (as I facilitate the group) - and one of the newer adult women has started hugging me (for no reason) while I am busy at various tasks. I don't like this hugging behaviour. Now I don't want her to feel badly - but I want this hugging behaviour to stop - if she wants to hug someone else then go find someone else to hug. What can I say to her, or what can I do so this'll stop?

Technically if the behavior is unwanted, then it can be construed as harassment. All you can really do is just tell her like it is. Say something like "While I appreciate that you want to give hugs, I am uncomfortable with it. Would you please not hug me?" If she gets upset, I hate to say it, then its on her. You have the right to protect your personal space.

[Rose3]

thank you - this is along the lines of what I was thinking to say - that I do not want anyone hugging me (whether it is because of feeling uncomfortable, or just plain I do not like people hugging me in most circumstances). Yes, she is violating my personal space, and I have no idea why she started doing this.

I'm not a hugger either. And I live in a very friendly place where it seems to be mandatory.

I have learned to deflect, rather than confront.

[moodycow]

stop using deoderant for a while that ought to do it !!!!

[hvert]

I say "Sorry, I am not a hugger" or "I don't like to be hugged." Some people do seem to get offended, but what else can we do?

[Nina Simone]

I am a hugger but I only hug people I'm close to. When someone I don't like attempts to hug me I look at them as if I'm about to be struck and lean backwards or I put my arm across my chest and turn my head. They get the point!

[Rose3]

Thank you for the ideas. I might have to try to keep a large distance from her, so as not to be viewed as encouraging her unwanted behaviour (in any way). Otherwise I find her overbearing, generally speaking.

[peaceseeker63]

My boss loves to hug and pat me on the back, which makes my skin crawl. Something condesceding about. I've had to tell her that I don't like her patting me or hugging me, which she has accepted but forgets sometimes.

We have to teach people how to treat us and if you allow a behavior, you condone it!

[sideblinded]

Harassment is a rather strong word as it is intentionally based and carries language that is not nice. I do know of people who do this but some of them simply do not understand social etiquette. There is a lady who does this and she does not mean for it to be harassment at all. She simply does not understand social cues, acuity. Whatever you want to call it. I doubt the police should be called but it is ok to say "I am not comfortable with that" if they don't take your cue at stopping them. If they are a threat and they don't stop then yes it might be considered harassment. There is nothing wrong with stating your feelings about it to that person at that time. 1st physically stop it. If that doesn't work 2nd then tell her. If that doesn't work...it's your call.

[toolman65]

As the facilitator of this group, she may view you as an authority figure.

The hugs may be an attempt to ingratiate herself.

[kim_johnson]

I would grimice and pull away when she hugs you and then say 'can you not hug me, please?' then say 'it's not personal - i'm just not a very huggy person'.

She probably will try and make you feel bad / shame you for not being happy to see her. It is the way of the world, I'm afraid... The introverted people have to skulk around corridors and hide from the grown up 'bullies' much of the time...

People like this make me very uncomfortable. They used to make me angry. Why can't they tell that I'm not enjoying this? Why can't they tell? Only... It isn't for my benefit (of course) it is for theirs. It isn't that I have an empathy deficit... It is that they do... Running around grabbing at people, sheesh...

For a period of time... It was a fashionable thing for my friends to put their hands on each others shoulders and to the european kiss on each cheek thing. It make me feel very uncomfortable, indeed. But it was done in a ... Formal kind of way. Hard to describe / explain. I never found the courage to say that I didn't feel comfortable with that... But I would now. If people don't care enough to respect your feelings on that with good grace then you have learned something very valuable about them, indeed. You know to steer clear for sure.

[Rose3]

thanks again for the ideas
trying to think of ways to redirect her, with some clear cues/words to stop that behaviour

[kim_johnson]

I would be clear with the request. Maybe think of a way you can speak with her about it in private. She might be more inclined to get very upset / turn it into a drama if she feels that you have publicly rejected her / shamed her.

It probably is coming from a need that she has rather than a domination thing... Hard to know...

[alimak]

I won't count it as harassment unless you said no and she does it anyway. I would just be honest with Her and say you don't Feel confortable with hugs.