[ilikkemuffins]

Hi all,

My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years now, most of which has been long distance. She lives at home with her parents, in our hometown, and I spend a majority of the school year living on campus. We are separated by a 2 and a half hour drive and I usually come down to our hometown every 2 weeks or so to visit her for a weekend.

About a week ago she told me she has gotten irritated with me and everything I do. Immediately I started worrying and asking her to explain what she meant, how she felt, etc. As the conversation progressed more clues came to the forefront. She mentioned her want to be alone and I agreed to give her space and time.

As the days progressed, and instead of taking the irritation at face value, I researched and learned. Through my understanding I came to the knowledge that I am an extrovert, someone who gathers energy from being around people, and she is an introvert, someone who gathers energy from being alone (I'm not trying to pigeonhole extro- or introvertedness into this specific category, it's just the overarching theme I noticed through my research). I realized her need for alone time and solitude was natural and needed and that I shouldn't make her feel badly or become offended by it. So I have let have her time.

Background out of the way, we haven't spoken since last Monday. We usually text throughout the week (something I realized she is not fond of due to the fact long-distance texting is usually meaningless small talk) but we haven't this week. I'm not worried or anxious, this is just super new for me. Giving her complete spacr and solitude. I sent her a long-winded message on Tuesday doing my best to explain that I have seen the error in the way in which I love her (I used to love her as an extrovert like me would like to be loved) and that she should take all tbe time she needs.

I'm going to see her this coming weekend and am wondering what I should do/how I should behave. I understand and appreciate the way she ticks now and I want her to know that but I don't know how to do that without bluntly saying it and dragging her into a potentially unwanted discussion.

Anything would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading!

[mamaroar]

I hope things go well for you, but it might be a way for her to break up, when a girl says she needs space and be alone.

[Luned]

If she has never behaved this way before then it might indeed be the time where she is looking to break up. Keep us posted how meeting her goes this weekend. Good luck anyways!

[JJBX]

As a person who requires a TON of solitude, please do not walk on eggshells around her. A relationship goes both ways. Though my husband is also an introvert, he requires a normal-people level of social interaction that I have just had to compromise on. She needs to realize that some of her request is a little unreasonable and if she wants the relationship to work, she needs to come just a little bit out of her comfort zone. Not all at once because I can tell you from experience how incredibly overwhelming that is (it's be like if you went an entire week without talking to another soul, you'd feel a little crazy). Maybe you could try to gently bring that up with her, just that you're willing to bend, but that she needs to compromise a little too.

[SnakeCharmer]

Kudos to you, ilikemuffins, for doing your research and recognizing the differences in personalities. I don't know if things will work out with you and your girlfriend, but you're giving it your best shot with compassion and understanding.

I am an introvert. One of the closest, dearest people in my life is an extreme extrovert. We took personality tests together and we're on the opposite extremes. We can easily drive each other bonkers. My need for solitude can cause hurt feelings and the extrovert's need for connection and contact can trigger enormous feelings of irritation and feelings like I'm being smothered.

The extrovert wants to talk to me several times a day. Every day. With hours of non-work time dedicated to conversation and togetherness over the phone. Spend entire days with me when in town. I'd be perfectly happy to talk once or twice a week. Social interaction tires me out emotionally and physically and I'd like to spend shorter periods of time together.

My cell phone is turned off and locked in a drawer, used only when traveling. Repeated text messages annoy me no end and I refuse to engage.

As an introvert, I really appreciate it when my extroverted friends don't give me a hard time or get hurt feelings because I get tired of social interaction and want to spend some time alone in my room. I socialize with them and talk to them and spend time. But my limit of enjoyment is shorter than theirs. I try to contain feeling irritated at what feels like demands from them and in return I really appreciate it if they can avoid sulking or acting all hurt or accusing me of not caring because socializing drains me instead of energizing me. I don't know how or why it happened, but almost all my friends are extroverts, so this has taken a lot of negotiating!

If you can talk to your GF openly and honestly about this it will be a great learning experience for both of you. If things don't work out between you, you still will have learned a valuable lesson about personality differences and how to respect them. I wish you the best.

[hvert]

I think it's awesome you did that research. I think you could open it up by saying something like 'I've thought a lot about our conversation. I did some reading this week and I think that I might be an extrovert, blah blah.'

I would be careful about labeling her an introvert. It would be better, imo, to talk about your own feelings in this matter and how your research relates to the way you behave. Let her volunteer that she is an introvert, don't tell her that you think she is one. Asking if she prefers alone time to recharge is okay, but sometimes it's irritating to be labeled. It can feel accusatory even when it isn't (I find).

I hope you guys can work it out - you have a very thoughtful approach!

Originally Posted by hvert

I think it's awesome you did that research. I think you could open it up by saying something like 'I've thought a lot about our conversation. I did some reading this week and I think that I might be an extrovert, blah blah.'

I would be careful about labeling her an introvert. It would be better, imo, to talk about your own feelings in this matter and how your research relates to the way you behave. Let her volunteer that she is an introvert, don't tell her that you think she is one. Asking if she prefers alone time to recharge is okay, but sometimes it's irritating to be labeled. It can feel accusatory even when it isn't (I find).

I hope you guys can work it out - you have a very thoughtful approach!

Think this is great advice, I wouldn't jump to conclusions from an internet search, talk to her and find out what she is thinking.

[avlady]

i think it is great how much you are caring for this woman. you did what you could, now you just have to wait and see what happens.

[Rose76]

What this boils down to is that you are in love and she is not. She is chafing under the ties that bind her to you, but she is not honest enough to put on the table that she does not want to be this committed to you.

I'm an introverted female. Women in love, no matter how introverted they may be, have a lot in common with all other women who are in love. They certainly want to see the man they love at least every other weekend. They love meaningless chit-chat texts. It is simply not true that an introverted woman in love behaves vastly different from an outgoing woman in love. This is what you have come up with to avoid facing that she is not in love with you. You've got this long, convoluted way of rationalizing her behavior.

You sound like a good guy who is ready to be in a really committed relationship. But this is not the girl to do it with. She is just not that into you. At least back off enough - not to just give her space - but to make yourself open to other relationships that can lead to you finding a girl who is as into you as you are into her.

Part of what may be turning her off is that she sees you as needing her more than she wants to be needed by you. That's not caused by her introversion. When a woman wants to set limits on how needful of her a man can be that's a red flag that she is not in love.