[MiddayNap]

I sever ties completely and without warning for fear of rejection, I suppose, which is rather counterproductive isn't it? A bit like wrecking a car so it won't get stolen. I make friends rather easily, albeit unexpectedly, but can't seem to keep them and I never know whether it is their choice or mine. I really do enjoy spending time with them. They are interesting and fun to talk with. But after a while, I can feel a fog of depression and paranoia closing over me. They don't really want to talk with me. They're only being nice-it'd be better if I just stopped talking with them. You're a bore. You're a selfish, egocentric person and they don't like you. They're liars. They gossip behind your back-think you're a fool. They're all laughing at you. Well, jokes on them because I really don't care. I only talk with them a bit. The closer people get, the lonelier I feel.
I've never been able to create bonds with people like I observe others to. I remember sitting in my room as a girl while my brothers and parents laughed and joked. In a way they never did when I was present. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't they love me the way they did my brothers? Sitting amongst friends and feeling as though I wasn't a part of the group-as if I was observing from a glass case-and there was no point for me to even be there. I've sort of accepted that this is how I am though. I'm a product of my past and how I perceived those moments. And I know all of these paranoid thoughts are completely irrational, which really does no good while these "periods" occur. Funny how clear everything is in retrospect.

[hvert]

I get similar paranoid sorts of feelings and find that they are very closely tied to my hormonal state i.e. PMS. Figuring this out helped me a lot because I can tell myself, 'oh, you feel that way because it's the third week of the month. Wait a week or two before acting on those feelings.'

[MiddayNap]

Originally Posted by hvert

I get similar paranoid sorts of feelings and find that they are very closely tied to my hormonal state i.e. PMS. Figuring this out helped me a lot because I can tell myself, 'oh, you feel that way because it's the third week of the month. Wait a week or two before acting on those feelings.'

I do thank you for your reply. These "dark episodes" usually only happen after prolonged exposure to people, really, and I've been this way since way before I knew what menstruation was. Not my entire life, but it started as a youngster. I believe this is learnt behavior, as I was a very odd-looking dork with social anxiety. I had friends-that is, they would talk with me one moment, then talk about how much of a loser I was when the other kids were around. I never did anything because I longed for companionship-despite my inability to connect with people-so I think my preemptively severing ties is because I don't want to relive those moments where I felt like a helpless fool. Trust issues, we've all got them. Being patient and reevaluating these feelings is very good advice, though, thank you. And I do apologize for going on like this.