This is a long story I will try to make short as I can. It recently came to light that among my other mental problems,, I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I grew up in a home that was cold and barren emotionally along with having been the victim of molestation when I was 7 and a gang-rape when I was 15. Lots of things happened to me growing up that I just stuffed inside me, it was better to be quiet because the alternative was to be found guilty of whatever it was that happened. I didn't realize for the longest time that the home environment was abnormal, cruel and abusive either physically or thru emotional starvation. Once I had this epiphany I wanted to talk about what happened with the only family I have left - my adult brother 6 yrs older than me and my 2 sons in their 40's. The response was basically "I don't want to know about it" which I took as further rejection and it awoke the angry/hurt child in me who was always supposed to be responsible and aware of others feelings but never my own. I have had self-esteem issues my entire life which lead me to make bad choices in lovers and friends.

My sons and I have always been close but both of them have had problematic marriages and divorces that lead to their being involuntarily absent from their own child/(rens) lives.

I have always always been available to my children emotionally and vowed that they would never feel abandoned and alone as I did which I thought was a good thing.

I tried to tell them about BPD issues but they just wrote it off like everything else. So they don't know where the anger is coming from. But now just recently I have been very sick with pneumonia and just getting over that I suffered a severely sprained ankle which has left me unable to take care of things. I asked for help and both of them have failed to acknowledge my needs - they don't ask how I'm getting by - everything is difficult doing laundry taking care of mysef and my home. There's a lot more to it but that's the basics I don't want to be long-winded. But now in addition to once again feeling emotionally abandoned I now find myself abandoned physically unable to take proper care of myself and do what I'm supposed to i.e. stay off my feet. My repeated requests for help have lead to being read the riot act basically that I'm a pain in the *** and basically just dumping me in the middle of all this.

I alternate between stages of serious contemplations and desires to kill myself, despair, heartache, anger, shock and basic desolation. This morning I really was as close as I have ever come to making plans to kill myself, i.e. wanting to find homes for my pets, etc. - somehow I got thru that and managed to do a few things today but I'm worn out and the sad/sick/blue/abandoned/desolate/aching/cold-chill in my heart and soul has me back thinking I just want it to end, I don't care anymore about resoltutions or understanding I just want the pain and the heartache to stop.

I don't know where to turn. There isn't much in the way of psychiatric care facilities here - the ones that exist I have been in and ended up the worse for wear. I'm lost totally, trying to "stay" minute to minute. My heart feels broken in a million pieces and the people I thought loved me have basically thrown me overboard without a life raft.

I don't know where to turn or where to go I have never felt so utterly helpless or alone in my life. I have lost other relationships but my children, I never ever foresaw this coming. Minute to minute I don't know where I'm going to be emotionally. I don't have any hope for the future I just want to stop hurting.

What to do? I'm lost truly - as lost as anyone can be, rudderless, no friendly place, no port in a storm. I don't know what to do.

I don't know what I expect any of you to say either, I just have to say something to somebody. I'M LOST PLEASE TELL ME where do I go from here?

It would be such a relief to finally lay it all down - my life, my grief - I want to find a home for my babies. I'm tired. I'm just tired of everything.

[Bill3]

I am so sorry for the many hurtful and painful and terrible things you described.

Can you see a psychiatrist, do you take medications?

Perhaps you are a senior citizen and can get support while your ankle heals from a senior agency?

Originally Posted by Bill3

I am so sorry for the many hurtful and painful and terrible things you described.

Can you see a psychiatrist, do you take medications?

Perhaps you are a senior citizen and can get support while your ankle heals from a senior agency?

Thank you that is a good suggestion although I hate to involve them because they become intrusive however it is still worth considering.

I have not yet come to terms with the fact that I am "a senior" it still blows my mind.