Reflections (a little on the long side)

I do not have close friends. Forming lasting relations was hard for me, I guess because who I am. I have had mood issues from an early age. Coming from a dysfunctional family did not help. What is interesting and now I realized that most people whose paths had crossed mine were also somewhat afflicted with personality or mental issues. My first wife was anorexic (then in remission), my first love (who I never consummated sexually, is now a psychiatrist but riddled with mental issues of her own. (She later married a person who is paranoid schizophrenic)) - my other former GF (from my youth) is also rather odd in the mental arena). My current wife is suffering a mild version of OCD. Later in my life I had a huge, kinky flame with a BP1 (off meds) and still officially married but moved in with me. Even that relationship could not shake my belief that I was normal and OK...
I guess I had hard time forming relationships with "normal" people, whom I had noting in common and perhaps because they are boring!
Also I have been pondering about acceptance of my condition versus denial. In some ways, denial maybe a better choice, if one are not danger to oneself or others. I was only diagnosed a few years back.

hi kinkyguy
i am so sorry it has taken so long for someone to answer your post. i suspect that it is because you put (a little on the long side) in your title. trust me, your post was not long. it was just about right.

i am uncertain what kind of response you are seeking. i can validate the pattern you spoke of about the type of people you seem to attract. i come from a very dysfunctional family myself and seem to repeat the same type of relationships so to avoid that i have just given up and chosen to remain single until i am healthy enough for a positive relationship. if you want to talk metaphysically, i put out a certain type of energy that attracts a certain type of relationship that mirrors the dysfuntion of my past in hopes that i can recreate the familial situations so that i can change the outcomes. only i was never healthy enough to change the outcomes, instead sticking to the same sick patterns of childhood.

i read your profile and am responding to that. i attempted to use the metaphysical route for 7 years to heal my crazy. i became a hands on healer and discovered i had quite a talent for it. was part of some miraculous things working with others, but i stayed sick. teachers would say i must not want it bad enough. trust me, nobody wanted it more than i did. i went down every path that opened up before me. i was amazed at all the gifts bestowed upon me, the doors that opened, the things presented at just the right moment, the people that came into my life. i have never felt more alive than i have when i do energy work. but i never got better. so i walked away from it all.

years later after a massive breakdown, i knew it was meds or die. i chose meds. my life completely changed. completely. i wasted so much time fighting the idea of medication. it was a challenge finding the right med. no picnic there at all, but once we did, having the stability i have had, as much as i hate meds, i take them every day because i never want to go back to where i was.

i hope you find success on your path. it is an amazing journey filled with wonderful things.

Thank you for your answer. I do not mind that it took long at all. I suspected that I am not alone and other would have similar traits. I realize that there is no miracle healing for us only copying. The metaphysical philosophy (The Ancient Wisdom) is comforting for me because it explains everything even why I am the way I am. I started writing to share the teaching of my former teacher. Often it is just therapeutic for me to write and share my thoughts, in hopes that someone will read them. This is why I write books.

It isn't unusual at all for people with difficult childhoods to seek out others who feel familiar - which is to say they evoke feelings of familiarity and mostly because they re-create trauma from our childhood. I, myself, have found that I tend to pick partners who are emotionally abusive and yet needy at the same time a a way to relive and possibly fix the stuff my childhood presented.

I thought it would get better after I identified what it was that I was doing. It didn't. I am not sure what the answers are here but I do know that I want better for myself...