[mountaingeek]

Another title would be, "What do you mean 'What I meant'??"

Hello. Thank you for stopping by my rambling.

Today has started as a good day.
My wife left me last week. I survived. This in itself is a major accomplishment in my life as before this situation would have lead to suicide (at least the threat of) and totally non-acceptable behavior. I am grateful and proud that I am holding myself together and focusing ahead instead of behind.

Over the last few months our ability to communicate deteriorated to the point of me begging on my knees for an explanation. I stopped crying for 20+ years and only recently began work on Feeling my feelings. It is scary to cry.

I am beginning to realize that much of the problem is not on my side of the table. When I began to calmly ask for clarification, and calmly state my concerns she stopped even trying. When I listed the major changes I had accomplished and asked why the same situation/problem/concern kept coming up on her side the question was ignored.

Mama always said I was special. I am realizing she said more than she knew. I have begun researching the specifics of myself and found things like Asperger's.

At this point I'm not even sure what I don't know, I know I know less than I thought, and I am remaining open and willing to learn. My depression is bad, but I've lived through worse with much less outside help. I am in a safe place with loving people around me, so that anxiety is not present.

Thank you for reading this. The ears are what matters. The more I say/write and the more I cry the less I feel this ache and burden in my soul.

Be well and know you are loved. This has been my tag line for a while (years) but I just realized I only rarely include myself in that.

Thanks for helping me learn.

Geek

[healingme4me]

Sometimes endings bring forth new beginnings. Although your story begins on a sad note, reading that you having safe and supportive people around you, and new introspections, sounds a positive step forward in the grieving process.

I agree with healing4forme - it was a well phrased post

I feel the same about letting out my thoughts and feelings by writing about them. It's nice to know people out there will read them and maybe if they're going through something similar (which all of us are in different ways to some extent) the posts do help.

"Be well and know you are loved." Wonderful saying