[Psychoharpie]

I have dark secrets. many. I kept them to myself for a long time. I was not ok. That was after I became a mental illness. People told me that it was only 10 percent of me, but 90 percent was waiting to come out.

All the time I struggled. All the time I put myself down and let everyone else around me down. I could not get out. I was in a black hole.

From a very young age I was brought up to believe that I was always being watched. Like I could not get away with anything without somebody knowing about it. As you can imagine this weighed very deeply on me and I grew up pleasing people all the time. I was so mixed up with my feelings I eventually let them all go.

I did not care about myself or my life or my family. And doing everything my way was the normal everyday thing for me. I was obsessed very deeply and madly in love with myself. I was the chain of command and console to everything that ever existed, but I was soo alone in my world it eventually all collapsed. it became a vacuum of energy drawing out of me instead of going in. And for the first time in my life I was dawdling and losing complete control. nothing would stop my ever growing dissection of my spotless mind. everything I tried seemed to help at the beginning and I just struggled for so long and kept calm thinking everything would be ok.

But everything was just coming clearer and my control was actually at it's strongest. As I was losing myself and life and family to my drug habit and dauntless nights of partying instead I was surrounded by love and emotion that was all new to me and felt like nothing could have prepared me for it.

It taught me I was learning about the real life. And the changes that I was taking into me were because I was safe now instead of lost and confused. I am happy. I am learning.

between my drugged rage and flawless recovery I was able to overcome my mental illness to a full recovery and I live happily now with no need to struggle or feel like everything is weighing on me all the time.

I thank the internet for one thing as it grew in me while my mind grew out. I can be alive and not feel bad about it. It is a trip to a roller-coaster park where every ride is my favorite one.

One thing that got me through all that the drugs. the secrets. the betraying lies and torment. was a little voice inside me that pushed me in the right direction kept me moving and was never afraid to tell me when I was wrong.

I have music in me and it is never like it used to be. I became my own enemy by pushing out the dark unhappiness and enveloping the better part of myself that was never there before.

I'm glad to hear that things are better now. Life really is a learning experience. I am a strong believer of the notion that fighting with all you got will lead to rewards at some point in time, but you have to continue believing in yourself as much as you can. It's also very important to reach out for help when you feel you might need it. There are people out there that really care and want to offer support.

[Psychoharpie]

Believe in yourself. Others will follow. Succeed and you will achieve. Ace and you get to go to MARS.

[Psychoharpie]

I just want to fly.