[Anxiousvalkyrie]

Hi there,

I have an identical twin sister and she and I have always had an interesting relationship. We are and have always been very very different. Our interests have always been opposite each other. She's also always depended upon me to make friends and kind of followed me around our whole lives which caused some strain on our relationship. She ended up moving across the US from where we grew up around 7 years ago for a boyfriend (now her husband). She had a very hard time trying to make friends. She started doing anything she could to gain attention from people. After many years when that didn't work she began to start telling people online she was interested in some of the things I was (books, music and the like) and she finally had some people start talking to her. i didn't know she was doing this until I went to visit her a few years ago and met her friends. They were asking me if I was interested in what she was and I kind of blew her cover. She was really mad at me and she lost friends when they realized she was lying.

Then a year ago I moved to Europe. Since I moved she has taken to copying everything I do to an extreme. She never wanted tattoos and I am covered in them, now she has an appointment next week to get a full back piece. I dyed my hair pink, 4 months later she dyed her hair pink. I asked my fiancé to grow a beard, now she's making her husband grow a beard. It's a little 'single white female' and I'm not sure how to deal with it. My mother gets mad at me if I tell her I feel she's kind of stealing my persona and tells me to ' just let her be herself because she would never copy me'.

It really, really bothers me. She's making huge changes in who she is (some of them very permanent) for all of the wrong reasons. I'm not sure how to deal with it or what (if anything) I can do to convince her to be herself and own that, instead of trying to be someone else. Anyone else dealt with anythin like this or have advice?

[Anxiousvalkyrie]

I'm sorry this post was so long. I wrote it last night when I was really upset and it kind of all spilled out. I'm under a lot of stress at the moment and my issues with my sister are making things a lot worse. :/

[blue_eyed_panda]

I wish I could help. I don't have a twin, and the twins I know don't have this problem.

When a friend did this I cut them off. But I know it's different for siblings/twins. Perhaps keeping the details of your life vague when you talk to your sister and mother would help? Though perhaps you have already tried that.

I hope someone comes along with help to offer. *hugs*

[ChipperMonkey]

Unfortunately, you might just have to put some distance between yourself and her. I know that is probably going to be a bit difficult seeing as how she is your twin. Can you keep certain areas of your life private so that she doesn't try to steal those parts of your persona? We all deserve to have private parts of our life, and just because she's your twin doesn't mean that you don't deserve to have your own identity.

I can't help but wonder exactly what is going on? Does she have very low self-esteem? I think that when people don't have a sense of self, they tend to become those around them.

ETA

I think a little bit of sibling envy/copying is ok. I admit that I do indeed copy off of some of my sister's style. Not a lot, rather a little thing here, a little thing there. And nothing permanent like a tattoo. (I loved the watch she was wearing last year, so I bought a similar style. Nothing more drastic that that though.) And oddly, some things in my closet are in her closet, too, just by coincidence. Sort of odd if you consider how many different articles of clothing are out there!

[Anxiousvalkyrie]

Thank you both for your replies. I've tried making some things about my life more private, and I've tried distancing myself from her. Unfortunately she pushes herself on me to the extent that if she calls or messages me and I don't answer she will start trying to contact me incessantly until I respond, or she will have my mother try to contact me and ask why I am not responding.

She does indeed have very low self esteem. As long as I can remember she often morphed into people around her, and as such has never really had any long term friends because when it was found out she wasn't genuine in her interests she lost friends. She has made a large number of new friend since she began taking over parts of my identity and it's frustrating to watch her interact with them on social media.

My mom is very protective of her. She's always been a 'victim' and always needed people to help her through life and save her from less than smart decisions she's made. I've always been the kind of person that if I want something, I go for it and work as hard as I have to to get it, and I usually do. So my mom doesn't think I need protecting like my sister does. I think this is why she's always telling me to let my sister 'do what she wants because its just coincidence that she is interested in the same things as me' and that I should support her.

It's a very frustrating thing. :/