Is my husband NORMAL? Is my marriage NORMAL?

As married couple, it about communication and compromise as we learn to adapt to each others living style. A complain here and there, litle arguments are not always bad. But it can helps to learn each other differences, and we learn to compromise with each others as we go.

I heard that that if a married couple have no fight, then one is not fully happy. Because one party have to hold back themself in trying to satisfy the other party. Right?

Sorry, VERY LONG post ahead...

I have a husband that always let me have things my way so I can be happy. He doesn't argue with me, he doesn't talk back to me. I wish sometimes he would stop let me have things my way. And for once let himself have things HIS ways instead.
I hope my husband is not holding himself back, each day build up and build up and one day he will explode. Possible right?

When we dated and he wanted marriage. Every couple days be would brought up the marriage topic. He said he wants to get married and if I want it too, we can get married. His whenever I'm ready, he just waitng on me.
I didn't answer him, I drag it on for couple months; and every couple days she would asked and asked again and gain. He pretty much throw the ball at my court and let me decided when I'm ready to get married.

He didn't get down on his knee when he wants to propose for marriage, but... he doesn't mind kneel down on one of his knee if that make me feel better about my height.
I'm 4'11, he is 6'1 so we have 14 inches difference in height. When we have serious talk, we can't stand next to each others and talk. I am ridiculously short next to him, so I always have to look up to his face.
I would complain and make comments like: "Your so tall, I have to look up in order to look at your eyes."
Then he would kneel down on one of his knee, so I don't have to look up to him when I talk. I know he doing this only to make me feel better about my height.

I'm good at cook Chinese food. I have no problem cooking him different Chinese dishes everyday for him to eat the whole month. But I know he likes to eat his culture food.
So I learn it from my mother in-law, I also buy his culture food books so I can learn more on how to cook his cultural dishes. I ask him, what do he likes to eat, give me a list and I will cook for him.
And he answered, he eat anything that his wife cook. Pretty much he said, it doesn't matter what type of dishes I cook, as long as I cook it, he's happy to eat it.

He works 2 jobs so his income is more than mine. He always offer to pay more on Rent/Bills because he makes more income. But I said No, I said I want to be fair, because we both bring in income. I also work, I have my own source of income.
I said I want to take turn pay Rent, and we split Bills to help each others. This month I pay rent, next month he pay rent. Grocery is this time I pay, next time he pay, etc...
I give him the look like he's not listening to his wife. He said alright, he let me have it my way as I insist. But he said that when he die he going to leave all his money to me anyway, this he said I have no choice, lol

We live in a cheap rent bad area neighborhood right now. Because of the cheap rent, the environment here is not good at all. We both agree that we will not raise a new born baby here.
Since we both poor, so we plan to buy a Foreclosure house or a small house. Buy a Foreclosure house is cheaper, we can get out of this bad neighborhood faster.
All our lives we both are Debt-Free, so I told my husband that I aim at 50% house down-payment, so we have less mortage and pay off our mortgage faster.
He doesn't even talk back to me. He said 'Alright, anything you want', himself he went to find a second job. Working his butt off 2 jobs everyday to fulfill what I aim at.

He did promise that after I became his wife, he will listen to what I say. And the first thing I say is I aim at 50% house down-payment. He said as a husband he will make it happen for me, even if that means he have to work 3 jobs; to faster achieve my goal.
But I said No! I do not let him work 3 jobs, because I don't think we can have time with each others if he work that much.

Fortunately, his 2nd job is just temporary for one year. Until next year when we buy a small foreclosure house he will be back working 1 job, it a better time to TTC
Right now everyday he work 12-14 hours including weekend. His local Truck driving job can be mentally tired; his mind always have to concentrate while driving on the road.
His Warehouse job sure is physically tired, because all he do is loading/Unloading, stacking, lifting, carrying heavy stuff all day.

He said if he stress from from work, he will sit in his car to think. He will not bring stress of work to home, he leave it outside as soon as he get out of the car.
Never once he complain a word to me about working 2 jobs. I'm sure his Warehouse job give him body ache and he is tired by the end of the day, but he never complain that he's tired or demand me for a massage.

He is very responsible with money, his whole life he is Debt-free and he is not a big spender at all.
He said he likes to work so he have no complain. He said he work hard so we can have enough money to buy a house, to save money for us and our baby future, and to save money for rainy days.
To him work is survival, work is to secure the future. He have an obsession with saving money, he make sure every month he puts in money in saving account just in case of rainy days.

okay, those are just few little examples. Eversince we dating till marriage, he always let me have things my way so I can be happy. I wish for once he would let himself have things his ways instead. But he doesn't change, he still the same guy that I know 4 years ago, perhaps this is the way he is? Perhaps I should just learn to adapt to this because that is who he is?
Never once he raise his voice on me, let alone start argument with me. Sometimes I do want him to talk to me in the louder voice, and tell me what he wants, but he just doesn't do it. Is my husband NORMAL? How to fix this? How to get him to tell me what HE WANTS?

Who here find it to be a TURN OFF when a husband always let the wife have things her ways?

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How to get him to be assertive and tell me what HE WANTS, instead of always what I want.
He doesn't tell me what he wants, how about HIS needs? What do HE wants? Well, he tell me that he wants a baby to complete our family. But beside that, I want him to tell me more on what he wants.
With the way he is, I'm not sure if he ready to be a dad. He will just overly spoil his children and give them everything they want.

If you make it through this far, from the post you see he always like that, and it irritate me. Because man suppose to know what he wants right? He should have complain, he should be assertive, he should raise his voice on me if needed.
But never once he raise his voice on me, let alone argue with me.

I told him that if a couple doesn't argue at all, that means one is not fully happy. Because one have to hold back to try to make the other happy. And he anwered me that he's happy, and he doesn't see any problem in our marriage.

He will be working 2 jobs until next year. Next year when we have enough money for a small house down-payment, then he be back working 1 job.
We do try to spend time together as much as we can. He phone me every time he on break from work.
Even when he come home late from work, we spend all the hours together until he sleeps.

We do try to communicate, when we in bed together, we talk alot. He tell me about his day at work, he talks about everything,. We talk about random daily things, and we both laugh, we jokes, we giggles.
He tell me about his work schedules, what he be doing tomorrow, where he be going tomorrow, etc...

I don't think we have communication problem, everyday we talk alot with each others about everrything. Perhaps we have communication problem but we don't realize yet?

If he wants to do what you want, have you tried say to him you want him to bring home his thoughts and that he talk to you about what he wants and go through with it? Have you tried tell him you want him to not work 3 jobs and spend more time home?

Maybe if saying this he may do it?

Its hard to know whether he is just the quiet man or if he has an issue expressing himself. Maybe you can ask him what he thinks and feel about that? I dont know if you have asked him, I assume you have, but that he doesnt answer anything else than what you say. If so is then I must say it sounds very weird to me too, actually. I would assume he must have some opinions about something.

Hopefully someone here will have a good answer to you.

No where in my post above I said my husband work 3 jobs. I explained it very clearly in the content.
Sorry for the long post, but appreciated if those that have time please read through it instead of just skimp through it quicky.

Anyways, thank you for the advice, greatly appreciated. Thank you

As married couple, it about communication and compromise as we learn to adapt to each others living style. A complain here and there, litle arguments are not always bad. But it can helps to learn each other differences, and we learn to compromise with each others as we go.

I heard that that if a married couple have no fight, then one is not fully happy. Because one party have to hold back themself in trying to satisfy the other party. Right?

First off.....marriage is a total commitment & a total combining of the money, not yours & his......what you need to do is pool your money into one account & it gets mixed together so there is none of this yours & mine.....THEN.....

You both sit down at the beginning of each month & budget out ALL your expenses including savings.....YOU BOTH SIT DOWN TOGETHER & DO THIS. His input & yours on setting up the budget. The bills get paid out of the joint account that is ALL YOUR COMBINED MONEY. That way you don't make him feel like there is a separation of money to start with.....there are good budgeting programs on the internet if you aren't familiar with doing something like that. I know my monthly income, I know my expenses & I have savings that I put away each month for annual expenses & for projects (like your house). Your monthly income is all the money that both of you bring in & the budget & the payments come out of that, not this you pay one month, he pays the next.

Next, if you really want him to give his opinion, then what you have to do is have a meeting together when there is something that needs to be discussed.....sort of a round table meeting & since he jumps at letting you have your opinion....you can refuse to have an opinion until he states his thoughts.....once he states his thoughts then you can state yours if they are different & then if there is a difference you can sit there & work through the pro's & con's of each different opinion to come up with the best solution....sometimes it's not even a his or yours, it's a combination that ends up being a compromise.

I know at the end of my marriage, my H who was horrible at financial issues in the first place, wouldn't tell me what money we had to work with when I was no longer at a place where I could deal with it....I had bailed us out of the mess he first got us into & at the end, it would have just been him resetting the budget to not have my income but to have my much lower amount of disability....but he was afraid to say no to things.....maybe he thought it would make my depression worse....but in reality, it was a test to whether he had what it took to really take care of the family when I wasn't able for those years....& he failed miserably....even though I had worked with him on every step of what I did to get us out of the mess he made....but after I left him I came to the realization that there really is a reason for his poor behavior in the marriage & the lack of communication & the lack of emotional connection.....but that's a different book.

To be honest, we fought constantly in our marriage because of serious personality issues I had with him & the inabilities he had that I thought he was just being irritating about. He would say he would do something then never do it. I thought passive aggressive but in reality later on I came to realize that he didn't even understand what he was asked to do (& it wasn't a foreign language issue either even though it felt like it most of the time).

It sounds like you have a very kind & loving H who seriously wants to please you.....but you have to let him know that what pleases you the most is for both of you to work together & plan together & pool thoughts so that the marriage is a complete PARTNERSHIP on all sides. Tell him what you have told us here.....& make sure you don't say it subtly....spell it out specifically just like you did here & tell him how it makes you feel when you don't get his input on planning the future for both of you together....& what pressure it puts on you to be the one that makes all the decisions without his input & thoughts that might actually be better than what you have come up with. Each of us has limited ways of looking at things based on our own past experiences & learning.....so that's what's wonderful about a marriage, it's the pooling of both people's ideas so that the best solution can be planned.

I think he sounds like a really good start on a happy life.

I have to disagree with the advice to pool all of your money. Every married woman should have her own bank account and savings account. The husband may die and the money be tied up in probate, for instance. But you SHOULD contribute equally to a joint account and then sit down together to decide how the money is to be spent. If either of you wants to add more to the joint account, that is fine, but it then becomes both of yours and cannot be separated back out.

Find a time to sit down with him when you are both not exhausted and explain that you want to make him happy as much as he wants to make you happy. Develop a list of individual goals and share them, then put together a combined list of the COUPLE'S goals.

Lay some ground rules about communication. 'Never go to bed angry' might be one of them.It helps to prioritize them as well. What is most important to you NOW. The reason to do that is because people change over time. When that first baby arrives, the priorities for both of you will change, for instance.

But here is a caution - don't try to change your man. He must change himself and, to quote an old, old piece of advice, "If it 'ain't broke, don't fix it." Adapt and enjoy the love.

Best of luck to both of you!!

How I personally pay my Rent/Bills is irrelevant in my topic. But I do appreciated for the advice though, thank you.

How me and my husband deal with our financial is our personal business. Different strokes for different folks, what work for me might not work for others or vice versa.
Me and my husband never argue about money because it all fair for both of us, there nothing tobe argue about.

How we pay for Rent/Bill is irrelevant in my topic. I work so it is my income, I am entitle to pay my Rent/Bill which ever ways I see fit.
If I want to equally fairly pay my 50% share of all Rent/Mortgage/Bills with my husband, then that is how I do it. This is between me and him, the person can have a say in this is my husband.

My topic, I ask was how to get my husband to open up and tell me what HE wants, instead of always let me have things my way so I can be happy.

Anwyays, question to those who read this thread. Should my husband quit his 2nd job? We are buying a Foreclosure house, so it cheaper. Should we stick with the 50% house down-payment? More down-payment means less mortgage, and we are able to pay off our mortgage faster.

I am sorry, HisPresence. That was not my intention. I did read you say he work 2 jobs but I mis wrote and wrote 3. I had a gap in my thoughs as I see you said "no" to him to work 3 jobs. I do hope your husband will be able to be open to what he wants and tell you.

He may be tired and overexhausted from working those jobs and don't want to bring up another issue at home. He says being financially secure is important, and it is, especially if you are soon wanting to TTC. I have a submissive-ish husband, his spirit broke and he exploded, he changed. He doesn't want to work anymore and we lost our home, and I was pregnant, he does whatever he wants, complete 180. Chances are things will change, not as extreme like in my situation. I also like being submissive

My grandpa was always easy going early on in his marriage with my Nana. As they aged he got less easy going, but he's still a great guy, just more life stress and him expressing it.

It sounds to me like he does express his opinions and wants to some extent. He wants to make you happy and provide for you. He'd love to have a child with you.

I agree with an above poster that a combined amount for things like rent, house saving, and groceries is good cause then you both contribute equally, but with out the "his money, my money" thing. Yet you will still have separate accounts as well for other things.

I also like the idea of not stating your wants/opinions until you hear his.

But honestly, some people are really easy going. I don't care about what movie I go to see with a boyfriend, I don't have an opinion on where we go to eat (if asked I'll give a category like spicy or burgers, but not a place). There's other things I don't have an opinion on, and that's okay.

For the dinner example you mentioned, maybe ask his mom what his favorite food was as a child and then surprise him with it instead of having him ask for it.

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I'm sorry. I'm not good at wording, I'm not good at express myself, so if anything in my post is offended, I apologize.
I'm sorry for my wordy post, I will practice write shorter post, I'm not good at wording. English is my third language, my English grammars is terrible I know. Thank you for those that make it through my post.

Thank you Jan1221 for sharing your story.

What I don't want is my husband to keep hold it and build up resentment day by day, and one day he will explode.
I heard that couples that don't fight, they tends to hold things inside. Because they always try to make their partner satisfy, but eventually one day they can't take it anymore.

Sometimes I feel that he suppress himself and go along with what I want; so I can be happy, so this marriage can work. I don't want him to build up resentment and explode one day.

Is there any signs that a spouse is building up resentment day by day?

There someone tell me that her husband and her never argue one day in their marriage. And after so many years, her husband finally exploded and turn 180 different, and their marriage broke down.
I really hope this is not my case, I don't even know if we can make it that long in our marriage.

You never argue about ANYTHING....why would he argue with you about that either?

He may be going along with your way of doing that also? You already said in your first post:
Sounds like you are almost forcing him to do it your way from the way you worded this.

In most states, money transfers from spouse to spouse in case of a death without probate. I only know of one situation & that was because they had a will but it had been written in a different state than the one they were living in when he died......& NOTHING goes to probate when there is a will.

Money IS a huge thing in a marriage because by keeping money separate completely, that's basically telling him that you aren't totally into the marriage because you don't feel safe having a joint account that you both put into....that doesn't mean that part of the budget isn't about giving each person their monthly money to do with what they want....but it means that you are both working together in a marriage, not You & me.....what you are doing with your money is the way roommates work......& maybe that's the signal you are giving him. You say you don't have money issues but he wouldn't have said what he said if he didn't think differently about it than you.

Sounds like a sweet, peaceful, loving marriage, to me.

If you look at your wanting him to at least come forth and speak up to his wants, there's your disagreement in my eyes and fulfills the idea that all couples do have some form of argument.
My maternal grandparents didn't argue, either. They worked hard, side by side.