The summer yearning

It's a beautiful day - all I can think about is how did I get so old so fast and of what could have been. Not having much romance in my life has left a wound that at this point ain't gonna heal. Summertime might be the most painful time (well maybe next to the holidays that make me suicidal) to be alone and regretful. The not so funny reality is that I still can see the reflection of that young man who expected to fall hard and fast into a bed of roses with that blonde haired blued-eyed nymph savior. Well he wilted and blew away along with any optimism that was left in his depleted being. So here sits the ancient self, listening to old rock and roll, trying to remember what doctor he has to see this week and still trying so damn hard to drown the internal critic. People say there is still time, well maybe, maybe not. I just know that sometimes I forget how far down the road I've traveled only to be alone and not fooled anymore by promise. I am a stranger in this world. Some things I love music, warm breezes and ham. However, I feel like I've never really touched anything.

You are quite the wordsmith. I find it hard to believe that you cannot meet someone to share your life with. I wish I had your talent, I would have written a book long ago.

Well I don't, never have, believed in nymph saviors but I hear ya.
I'm content right now with not being in a romantic relationship but I do miss my more romantic self. I used to get a fair amount of attention for my physical self and my creative pursuits. 5 years later and on the other side of overcoming debilitating physical and mental ill health I feel fat, out of shape and boring as heck!!! I feel so dull and unattractive I can hardly stand it...

I haven't resolved this but here's some stuff I'm trying to get myself do more that tames the self critical beast:

Grooming. This can be a slippery slope 'cause I feel fat and old too (I could get obsessive about grooming) but things like doing my nails (as a guy you may not want a manicure but cleaning and trimming is good), making sure my clothes are clean and not wrinkly, putting some moisturizer on those rough patches helps me feel less of a slothy mess.

Excercise. Dancing especially but anything that makes me feel more connected to my body and helps me feel it. One of the things I've always liked about physical intimacy was how it made me feel connected to my body but exercise can do the same thing.

Creativity. I feel most alive when I'm making something. That excitement that I used to get being intimate with another person I can still feel if I engage in making something (even stuff around the house like fixing a table leg).

Guess what I'm trying to say is that I believe we can live a romantic life without being romantically involved with someone.