[MarleyCat]

So I've been struggling lately with the fact that my boyfriend has this online female friend.

Six months ago my boyfriend told me that he had been talking to another woman online and had kept it from me for two months. They had even gone as far as Skyping each other before he told me which I feel is inappropriate. His excuse was that he was lonely and drunk because I was out of town. great. He even sent her a picture of me without my permission which upsets me as I have extremely low self esteem and she is much prettier than me. She has boyfriend and they have all Skype chatted together before but I still can't help but feel there is something more there.

At first we agreed that the Skyping was inappropriate as it made me uncomfortable but after awhile I just gave in and told him to do whatever he wanted. They Skype like once every week or two and snap chat together every other day. I'm trying so hard to be understanding as he really doesn't have many friends and he deserves human connection. He keeps trying to get me to Skype with him and meet her and her boyfriend which I feel sick about. I have social anxiety, general anxiety and avoidant personality disorder (I think). I keep putting it off and I'm worried that she thinks I'm a ***** because of it. I just feel so insecure.

Last night they Skype for the first time while I was home and I got really upset about it. Most of this is just kept behind my back and I pretend it doesn't happen so it was really hard to listen to them talk. My boyfriend and I got into it a bit afterwards and then he mentioned that she talked about her and her boyfriend having a threesome and now I'm even more insecure about everything. I'm spiralling into a habit of crazy awful thoughts and the urge to SI which I am failing to overcome.

I keep ruminating and worrying. What else do they talk about? Do they talk about me? Is she inappropriate with him? . I don't know what's wrong with me. I just can't feel good about this whole situation even though I'm trying so hard. I'm very self destructive and feeling so badly about myself. Our relationship has been rocky lately and I'm worried that I'm just pushing him away in to her arms. I feel like he gets emotional support from her that I can't provide.

Anyways.. so sorry for the novel. I just needed to get this out. Any thoughts or suggestions to deal with this? Anyone go through a similar situation ? Am I being crazy like I feel I am? I know that all of this is probably innocent and this is probably more my problem than anything aside from him keeping it from me at the start.

[Soul Quake]

His emotional needs are being met through another woman. Your needs aren't being met at all. Break up.

[Sad In TX]

They've mentioned a threesome? Yeah, I'd say that's inappropriate!

Again, Soul Quake is spot-on.

I'm sorry - no. This is not good and is only going to get worse for you. Listen to your head, and your heart. It's time to move on.

[~Christina]

He's not showing you respect. No respect no relationship.

I think it would be helpful for you to see a therapist to help you find out how to improve your self esteem. You deserve better, Dump this asshat !

[divine1966]

Dump him like right now! You are home and he isn't with you but chatting with her and about threesomes? Yeah. You don't need this nonsense

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[brainhi]

Everyone has a right to their sexual preferences. In saying that, if this is something he wants... he should have been upfront with you from the beginning.
Again, I have fallen in this trap a time or two. I personally am not interested in 3 or 4some or more lol. I have dated a few men who were not honest up front about wanting this.. I'm sure they were going to try and talk me into it.

Not being sexual.. I do have male friends. It would be very difficult to let go if a new man came into my life and had a problem with that.

Jealousy is a part of life. As you get to know each other and trust each other, hopefully, with time, it will not come up unwarranted.

Something else to accept - most men are thinking about sex very often.. that's the way they are wired. The more you tell someone they cannot have something, the more they want it.

[MarleyCat]

Apparently the threesome comment was just casually mentioned by her one day when he asked how her weekend went and my boyfriend told her he didnt really want to talk about that. Apologies if I didnt explain that well. I was quite upset when I posted. But again who knows? I personally wouldnt be casually mentioning that to any online friend so I guess now I mistrust her and thinking she has feelings for my boyfriend? We've been together 11 years so this isnt somehing I want to or can just throw away. I love him more than anything in the world which is why it's such a predicament for me. My crazy obsessive mind keeps wandering and I have extreme issues with self loathing.

I do feel as though his emotional needs are being met by someone else and that in some way I am failing at that because of my anxiety and depression. Ive been seeing a T trying to figure it all out and trying to work through my demons. Trying to be more engaged with him and being there for him. I feel like in part this is my fault as I havent been there for him as much as I could.

He swears up and down that this is not sexual for him and its only a friend relationship. She lives in a different country so I know they will never really meet up aside from skype and snapchat and whatever. He's been trying to be more open with what they talk about and lately when they skype her boyfriend is there with her. Everytime he tries to mention it I get really down so I dont blame him for keeping it from me for the most part.

Thanks for all you replies and further comments

[divine1966]

Why would someone chat and Skype with someone they never going to meet let one discussing intimate matters. No you aren't crazy or obsessive. Most women wouldn't go for it. This would be a deal breaker for me.

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[MarleyCat]

He has a really difficult time making friends ( like he doesn't really have any) so I get that he just wants someone to talk to. But why cant he talk to a guy online? Of course it has to be some prettier younger woman.

We've argued about this a lot and in the heat of the moment he snapped and said what so I'm not allowed to have any basic human connection with anyone other than you? Which is so unfair. I want him desperately to have friends and have fun and enjoy people outside of me. But yeah it would be a whole lot easier if it was someone who lived in our city... and not some woman who he kept secret for a month or so behind my back because he was worried how I would react. Sigh... relationships are so damn rough sometimes..

Aside from all this he is a very supportive loving man. I dont mean to make him out to be a monster or a jerk or anything. We've been through a lot together and he is always there picking me up when I fall and making me laugh when I cry. I know he loves me but yeah I cant help but feel like this is starting to tear me apart inside. I just feel like it's mostly my insecurity. Though I do feel as though he has made some poor judgement.

[divine1966]

He is making bad choices. If he wants friends he can find some online hobby groups etc or go to meetip and spend time with other guys. Even if just online. Chatting to women on skype and discussing intimate matters is unacceptable

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[Ganganthefatman]

I feel like everyone is overreacting to this. I get that you don't feel comfortable in front of the camera. I have social anxiety myself. But the fact that he's even trying to get you to chat with them should be enough proof that this is indeed just a friendship, that just happens to be over skype. Your reaction is clearly why he chose to hide her from you in the start. If he was having romantic feelings towards her, he wouldn't be so open about her to you. He loves you, and not her.

And maybe he just feels more comfortable with an internet friendship? Not everyone is comfortable with getting out, just like not everyone is comfortable with video chatting. That doesn't mean anything, really. It just means he happened to form a friendship over the internet. It happens. Also, skyping and snap chatting have no deep meaning for some people. It just happens to be their way of communication.

Have you ever considered meeting these people? If so, since you're uncomfortable with the camera, let your boyfriend know. Maybe you guys could start out by texting, and then move upward to just mics, and then slowly make way to video chats? Who knows, maybe this could be a couple the both of you could be really good friends with. You just have to give some people a chance.

It's not fair to judge someone you've never met.

[divine1966]

They live in a different country. I don't know how realistic is this. Give them a chance? I do t not know too many people who are willing to pay air fare to meet strangers in foreign countries. Maybe discussing threesomes with strangers is ok for some people. Not my kind of topic I chat about let alone With strangers

I think people reply according to their values and seeing op is upset. Sure some people are cool with this. Most are not

I don't think she is judging these people but she is concerned about her bf. Who cares about them? She never gonna meet them

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[Rose76]

You are trying to be understanding and accepting of a completely inappropriate situation. It's regretable that your boyfriend ever made this connection when he was drunk and lonely, but for him to be intensifying the connection all this time is completely nuts. No sane girlfriend would put up with this.

Part of your self-esteem - a large part - problem comes from you not realizing that you have rights. I suspect that whoever raised you failed to instill that in you. Your boyfriend, also, may be genuinely confused about what it means to show proper respect for a woman and for a love relationship. So it's up to you to you to decide that this computer activity does absolutely nothing good for the bond of two people living together in love. And it's up to you to role model firm rejection of this behavior.

This is not a case of your boyfriend asserting his right to "have friends." Of course people should have friends, and there are appropriate ways to go about that. What he's doing is not one of those ways. Tell him that it is not okay for him to have lady friends on-line whom he discusses sex with. It is positively, absolutely not okay. Tell him that he is undermining the bond you two have and you want this to stop - now. Also, refuse to listen to anything more that he wants to relate to you about what he discusses with this woman. She's some kind of a nutcase herself.

He's going to have a bunch of arguments about how this is harmless, fun, social activity. Don't get into a debating contest with him because he'll just probably out-talk you. What he's doing is terribly harmful, and the proof is in how you feel. Tell him to knock it off, or you will probably consider leaving him. And tell him to never, ever think he has any right to mail a picture of you to anyone without your permission.

[MarleyCat]

I've considered meeting her yes.. but I dont know if I can stomach it. My boyfriend feels the same way in that I am overreacting.He swears up and down that it isnt romantic in any way shape or form which I am truly doing my best to trust him. I think it's hard for me because he kept it from me and talked and skyped behind my back for a while. I was brought up in an abusive household and its extremely difficult to let someone in fully and trust them. My boyfriend is basically the only person who I have let in and I feel he betrayed me a bit by not being upfront in the first place.

I'm okay with online friendships in general but I dunno.... its been an emotionally charged situation from the beginning and I feel like he doesnt really see it from my point of view. And yeah I dont like that she is comfortable sharing her sex life with my boyfriend but he apparently shut that down pretty quick. It still stings though. I'm working on being okay with it but rumination has a hold of me and wont ease up which is really affecting my mood.

[Rose76]

People have a right to choose their own life-style. Some people are into "swinging" and think it's just fine to swap intimate partners. If both members if a couple want to do that, then that's their business. But it's not what you signed on for. What your boyfriend is doing is the behavior of someone who doesn't value exclusivity in a sexual relationship. You do. It's a good value that most human beings share. I don't care whether or not he feels "romantic" towards this gal. Some of the advice above will do nothing to advance your happiness. Stick to your values, which make you who you are. You have every right to defend them.

You might need to seriously think about whether or not your boyfriend and you are compatible. First, see if he's willing to get on the same page with you over a fundamental value.

[Rose76]

Your history of abuse helps explain why you have a hard time believing you have rights in this world. Well, you do! Of course, you are having a hard time "stomaching" the proposal that you get involved in this cybercrap. That's all it is. Listen to your stomach. Part of you wants to accomodate your boyfriend's request, just as you probably felt you had to accomodate some of the abuse in your home as a child.

Look in the mirror and say this to yourself, over and over: "I'm not doing that because I just don't want to!!! I don't want to. I don't want to. That's my reason, and it's a darn good reason."

[MarleyCat]

Hmmm I dont truly think he full on discusses sex with her. My apologies if I conveyed that! From what I know she mentioned it once in passing as an answer to him asking what her and her boyfriend did in the weekend. Yes totally inappropriate!! And strange to say to someone in my opinion. I dont believe that there has been anything else mentioned like that at all. I feel as though I am overreacting in a sense and I probably am... but her bringing that up is a red flag on her behalf. I guess at least my bf had enough sense to shut it down.

But yeah I appreciate the advice.. I know it makes me uncomfortable and whether thats because of my faults or insecurities I do believe he should at least respect that.

[Rose76]

He won't respect your feelings, until you do. Start right this minute. You have a right to not like something - just because you don't.

After 11 years, you are not ready to run out the door . . . over this. That's okay. Part of this is attention seeking by your boyfriend. He sounds a bit bored with his life. I'm not surprised he has trouble making friends.

Since this online gal-buddy is in another country, you might choose the option of ignoring the whole thing . . . and I mean pay zero attention. Refuse to listen to anything he wants to say about his discussions with her.

[MarleyCat]

Yeah I am definitely attempting to go that route. I would prefer to pretend it doesnt happen but that gets me in trouble with my avoidant personality. He struggles with depression and is definitely a bit bored or unsettled with his life so its hard. I want him to be happy and for me to be happy so thats why I want to try and be okay with this . I definitely need to learn to be assertive and put my feelings first which i am crap at due to the past abuse. Again thanks you for your replies and taking time to listen!

[Ganganthefatman]

Wow. You guys.

[Trippin2.0]

Personally, that bit where you said you'd prefer if it was a friend closer to home as opposed to abroad, I think that's inaccurate.

If you're driving yourself nuts over a girl he can never even see offline, I shudder to think what will happen should he meet someone off line and wanted to spend time with her.


I had a close online friend for quite a few years. We could talk about anything and everything. We used to joke that we were separated by continents at birth. When I met him he was still married and I sometimes spoke to his wife. Two years after his divorce I became FB friends with his GF after we chatted a couple times and clicked. I was glad Sam wanted to get to know me individually, because i didn't want her thinking or feeling the way you do now about your bf....


Thing is, sometimes people just click, whether offline or on. And the people we click with, we click with. Cyberspace doesn't automatically stop that from happening.


He and I met here, so we had similar MH struggles, and it was nice to not only have someone I clicked with so easily, but someone that understood my baggage as well.


FTR, my bf was fully aware of this friendship, and my relationship wasn't lacking anything.

Forming friendships online or off doesn't automatically mean we want something more (and therefore have to take meeting face to face into consideration) nor does it mean our needs aren't being met offline. There's room for friends after all.


So what if we can't meet offline?

It's an online friendship, its not like I'm planning to date my online friends. And diminishing those connections as unreal because you haven't hung out in person is like saying blind people can't have friends because they'll never see anyone.

Online friendships are just as valid, they're just a different breed of friendship, the world is evolving people, move with the times.

Now that being said, if anything untoward is being discussed and this makes you uncomfortable, I can certainly see the validity in that, but I honestly don't see what threat a girl on another continent is to your relationship.

[MarleyCat]

hmm I dont feel threatened so much as that she will steal him away from me because you are right I highly doubt that they will ever meet up. I think for me it is more about his inital keeping things behind my back, the idea that he has gone to someone else for emotional support and fails to talk to me about it, and yes, the inappropriate comment that she had made and the possibility for more.

But your right I do believe online friendships are valid and real. Probably easier for him as well which I get. we all need connections with people in life and he deserves just as much as the next. This is why I feel so crazy having these thoughts and emotions. I want to be okay with it...I just dont know how.

I would like to state again that I love him very much and I know he loves me. It's just a bump in the road of our very long relationship that I cant seem to get over due to my mental health issues and he doesnt seem to be as understanding as I would appreciate.

Thanks for your thoughts

[Rose76]

Stop trying to be "okay with this." Don't keep invalidating yourself. That's your abused inner child talking.

Many sexualy abused children stayed in abusive situations that they could have escaped from because they thought they needed to be "okay" with what the abuser was doing. Now we tell children that, if someone wants to do something with them that makes them feel "yucky," they have a right to say, "No."

During his investigation by police, a minister guilty of child sexual molestation, described how a little girl told him "she didn't want to" (go along with his activity.) He described how he explained to her that "we all have to do things we don't want to do." She bought this and decided that she didn't have a right to "not want to."

Sometimes "I don't want to." is not a good reason to not do something (like getting up for work in the morning.) And sometimes "I don't want to." is the very best reason in the world to refuse.

Rescue your abused inner child. You have the right to "not want to." And you don't have to debate it, or justify it, or explain it. Get into a debate, and it becomes a contest of who is the best talker.

[divine1966]

It doesn't matter what's ok with other members of this board. What's matter is what ok and what is unacceptable for YOU. If something upsets you then there is a reason for that.

Just because some people are ok with whatever it doesn't matter you must. If you aren't ok with something, then don't force yourself to accept what is not acceptable for YOU. People have rights to have whatever life styles or have whatever standards. But so do you!!!!



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[Ganganthefatman]

You guys really need to stop with the **** advice. There are clear indications here that she is just extremely insecure about herself.

Ask yourselves; who in their right mind would want their partner to be friends with their mistress?

You guys are paranoid to the ***** top, and you don't even know the man.