[Staceofbass]

I'm sorry if this posts twice.. Im a newbie and for whatever reason the first post did not get posted.

I love my man. He is 31 and the love of my life. I am 100% sure that he is the one that I am supposed to be with. The kicker, he has commitment issues. Now I do not see this an an extremely bad thing. Yeah, it certainly sucks and its not the easiest thing to deal with but I have faith.

We have been dating for the last 3-4 years on and off of course. I can usually call it when a breakup or talk is coming. He gets stressed out or busy at work and things with us are good and then he has a mini breakdown and then says he isnt sure if he can do it and then a week or two later is back. Yeah, its unfair and it hurts.. but he keeps coming back.. and I keep letting him. He wouldnt come back if he didnt love me and want a future with me, i know this. He has also said this. We have talked about the future and what we want in life and they are similar.. he just needs more time which I am totally willing to give to him. He seems to think that his commitment issues stem from being cheated on when he was younger. I can see how that would mess somebody up as I have also been cheated on more times then I can count and I have been in abusive relationships. Its not an easy thing to overcome. I know he wants me and wants a future with me. I think he just overthinks things and then things I want things so much quicker then he can give them to be.. but instead of asking me how i feel or what I want he just assumes he knows and that he is correct. The truth is that I am my happiest when I am with him. My friends tell me that all the time and his family tells him the same. I am enjoying every moment that I get with him. I am in no rush to get married or have children. I want him to be ready to do that because when he is and he does it... it will mean so much more and be so much more special. He is an amazing human and is my best friend. He is the first person I run to for everything and I am that person for him as well.

The issue isnt knowing if he loves me or if he wants to be with me or wants a future with me.. the issue is that I dont understand where he is coming from.. I want to know what he is thinking when he leave or why he is leaving in the first place and if there is anything that I can do to help? I always take him leaving or backing away so personally and I need to stop because i know it isnt me. I am just looking for some answers... some advice. He is a wonderful person and I think if we are able to work as a team to overcome this then we can make it work because i know we love each other. He only just admitted over the winter that he has this problem even though his friends and I have known for a long time. They are all married and having children now too and I think him seeing that he is changing and wanting to settle down and I am slowly starting to see him try more and he is different which is all wonderful signs. I am just wondering if anybody has any tips? Can I reassure him I want to take it slow without being overbearing? what is he thinking when he starts to have a freak out and back off??

When he leaves he always says he is confused. He has never fully broken up with me. he then starts talking to me a week or so later and tells me he misses me. Do I just give him some space at these times? I always backed off and told him that it was over then because I was hurt and i never felt good enough but i know now that isnt it.. its him. I am just looking for general advice. I just want to understand him and what he is going through better. I think it could really help the relationship to know how he feels and what he thinks. He is embarrassed by it so he doesnt like to talk about it. He is trying.. i can see it. I just want to know how I can help.

Thank you in advance and sorry for my rambling haha

[Ganganthefatman]

Have you told him any of this?

[IceCreamKid]

This is my own personal opinion only. What I am about to share is for the person without major mental health issues; without having undergone something really traumatic.

I think when a man says he has "commitment" issues (or when a woman says it for him) -- or when a woman says the same thing about herself -- it's really more "want to have my cake and eat it too".

In other words, where is the need to commit, when it is possible to run off whenever it suits the person?

What is it you truly want for yourself? Marriage? A commitment as serious as marriage (since I know nowadays many people don't feel the need for a piece of paper)? That kind of relationship does not have room for running off whenever it suits.

So. You can lay it on the line, and suggest couples' counseling to help the two of you explore the true nature of your relationship and where you go from here.

Or. You can try doing it yourselves, although I think a professional would be very helpful.

Or. You can continue to put up with what is really not very respectful behavior.

Bottom line: I think there are a lot of people out there who have figured out how to have exactly what they want--at the expense of others. And in your case, you're the one paying.

I hope this helps.