[swedishangela83]

Hi everyone,
This time I want to tell you my story about my difficult relationship and my psychotrauma from more like 10 years ago. Many people I knew and still know believed it was a helpless situation and that our relationship was doomed. Don't worry, my and my partner are still together and the reason I'm opening this thread is to give you a little pep-talk about the possibilites of psychotherapy.
It all started when I was about 9 years old. I used to come often to my friend's house after school. We used to play with a group of kids. This family was - as it seemed first - careless and loving - and gave me a place to play around like a normal child without worries. My mother was ill with cancer and the future looked dark and sad. But Angela's family used to cope really well, they talked to me for hours to cheer me up and cooked me delicious meals (especially my favorites like roasted chicken).
Shortly after, my mother died and I lost touch with Angela's family for unknown reasons. During high school I met Angela again and we started dating. I was really in love but my schoolmates who knew about my past thought I was confused. I wasn't by then. I did feel sad, almost depressed and again this family would comfort me, however after a year or something his mother started to become interested in me in a way that was not normal. First I thought it was how love was supposed to be expressed, because hadn't experienced real mother-love in like 10 years. After a few months Angela's mother started kissing me and I didnt know what to do. I was so confused, because I knew this was not normal. I didn't tell anyone and that worsened my problem. Angela's mother said she was going through some difficult times with her husband and that she had had an awful youth. I listened her because I felt responsible just like I used to feel for my own mother.

Possible trigger:

In the 6 months after I was sexually abused several times by her mother and it left deep, deep mental scars on my entire life. After this I experienced a mental break down, attempted to commit suicide, walked away for a week and other things like this. I was totally broken.

At that time, my girlfiend Angela knew nothing about this and she thought I was going through a difficult time because my mother passed away. We were still in a relationship then.
After a few years, everything cooled down a bit and I told Angela about what happened as well. She was so shocked to hear this but she has always been there for me, to this day. In the following few years, I started having difficulties coping with our relationship like many people predicted. It was an infected relationship, doomed from the beginning. And this was exactly what I didn't need to hear. I experienced flashbacks, was unable to have sex with her (but I could think about other girls, is this crazy? Still haven't figured this out), I overreacted now and then and the future for us looked ****** up when I used to think about us still being in this damn situation. The thought of having kids sometimes litteraly made me queasy. When I used to think about breaking up, I have to confess that I felt relieved because the pressure of running a difficult relationship was gone, but at the same time I lost my other half. Angela's supported me from the earliest beginning untill the very end. Many other girls might have chosen their mother's side, such a loyal person she is. Together we decided that we wanted to fight, we had decided much earlier but now she knew I was suffering, we promised each other again that we would survive together. Eventually I broke up, but I wish I never did, because exactly one year later, on New Year's Eve, we decided to give it one last try. This time I decided to go to a therapist of which I 'knew' it didn't work because, as I thought, my mother used to have one too and it didn't heal her from cancer too. So why would it help me? And how could a damned therapist help me to get rid of all these terrible emotions and thoughts. That was impossible. Despite my distrust I started on Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing,therapy which is shortened to E.M.D.R. I had to follow my therapist fingers moving from left to right and I thought it was just ridiculous. Because of A.D.H.D. I felt so distracted during this whole thing. By the way, ADHD was diagnosed a year later.
Eventually this therapy worked for me. The things that really haunted me was a mountain I had to climb to overcome. But it did work. I'm never reminded of what happned, sometimes when I think about my past it makes me feel a little sad, but that's normal I guess. I also would if I would be in a relationship with someone else. Sometimes I imagine what my life would have looked like if I had never decided to try the therapy. I would've been unhappy in love I guess 'cause no one ever had made me feel better about myself than Angela (despite the trauma). All those people, especially my own family who didn't believe in our relationship, where not right, but I do understand why they thought so, I was on the same side, unfortunately. Let this be a shoutout too to all people who know someone who's traumatised by any kind of event. Stay positive, because that is what they need.
Now we have 2 kids, a baby girl named after my wife, Angel and a boy named Angus, I can proudly say that we are a happy family and I would never have missed this. I want to encourage everyone who is suffering a psychotrauma to follow some kind of treatment and therapy. Though a particular kind may not work, does not mean that each therapy is ineffective. Sometimes hope is far away, but the solution is only closer than you think. Try everything before giving up, and let this be a story for (I hope not) many other sufferers of sexual abuse, especially in difficult situations like this. Keep your head up!

[healingme4me]

Kudos for you, to seeing yourself through to help yourself from the pain of your trauma. Thanks for sharing.

[Ruftin]

Hello and welcome to Psych Central swedishangela!!! It's nice to meet you. You have joined a community of warm and caring members who will want to offer you support and advice. Yours is welcome as well.

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I'm sorry for your struggles. You'll find we have a safe and supportive community. I'm glad you've joined us.

I look forward to seeing you around!!!