[demilune]

Hi everybody! Figured I would give a quick introduction before I dive right in.

My name's Alex, and I'm a 20 year old college student in Connecticut. In October, I left an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship that I had been pursuing for about a year and a half.

After I left that relationship, I took some time to heal and then began dating again. About a month ago I entered into a new relationship, and I'm incredibly happy about it. However, this is the closest I've gotten to somebody since I left the abusive relationship and I'm noticing that certain (unrelated) things are causing painful flashbacks to the abuse.

I want to reiterate that my partner is wonderful and has been nothing but supportive through all of this. Our communication is phenomenal. But certain things (most recently it was his use of the word 'fragile', in joking towards me) set off a trigger that's almost painful.

I took the sanity test when signing up, and though I got a 40 (relatively low, I think?) I had a much higher score for PTSD than any other category.

I want to stop feeling the aftershock of the bad things I went through last year. I just want to move on and in the right direction, and I feel like I'm stalling, or as if something is holding me back. I want to feel independent again.

Has anyone ever been through this after getting out of an abusive relationship? What do I do?

[Little Lulu]

Welcome to PC demilune. Might be helpful to have a mantra when the old thoughts arise ... something like "that was then, this is now, and I am moving on". Life goes forward, you know, and letting go of the past is in your best interest. If you do get stuck, have someone lined up that you can call to process things with in a healthy way (not your boyfriend because it is not his responsibility to 'fix' the old stuff.)

I try not to get too invested in labels as I think they can keep me stuck. You made a wise move, let a bad thing go, and are now creating a new life. Best wishes. It sounds like you are doing just fine.

[Bill3]

My thoughts are to see a counselor at college to help deal with the PTSD and any other fallout from the abusive relationship, and to ask your boyfriend to refrain from using hurtful words to joke about your personality.

Words matter, including words said in jest.

[demilune]

Thanks so much, Bill and Lulu! It's been a long healing process, but I think you're right, Bill -- when I'm back to school in a month I'll definitely look into the counseling options there. Thank you!

[Trippin2.0]

I've had this happen to me yes, sucks to be us. But I wanted you to know you're not alone.


Luckily for me, I have moved past this stage, so its a non issue these days.


I personally did what was suggested in the first reply to you.

Whenever my bf said something that somehow reminded me of my ex, I would counter that thought with "Rowan is not like him, they're not the same, that was then and this is now, He will never beat me up, he's the good guy, stop getting them confused, don't let the past ruin our present " or similar thoughts.


Basically I just countered each negative I came across with 3 positives and I repeated this pattern until it sunk in.


The other thing I did is this, if it was a specific word, I would look up the definition (to get a clear "clinical" description without the emotional attachment) then ask him why he chose to use it...


Then I would mull that over and see if it applied to me, and try to view it as JUST A WORD, and not an emotionally charged one, created and defined for the soul purpose of hurting my feelings ...


I've actually only once told him "Don't call me that, I hate it" and explained why. He was taken aback, because he was saying it in jest and had no idea.


I eventually managed to get over that one thing though (It was "drama queen" btw lol) and it doesn't bug me at all anymore

I even use it often myself now


I didn't want him to have to alter his vocabulary because of me, because I know he's never said anything malicious. So while back then I was grateful he refrained from using that term, without me even having to ask, I did let him know when I was over it.. Hehe


I'm really sorry you're dealing with this, its so unfair to have our past hurts haunt our present happiness, but it can be overcome.


Therapy is an excellent suggestion to work through these types of things.


I hope you get a handle on this soon

[demilune]

Tripping, that was a really wonderful and thoughtful response. Thank you so much! I'm sorry you had to go through something similar but I'm happy you be learned from it and can share your experiences with others. Thank you!

[Trippin2.0]

You're most welcome, I'm happy to share in the hopes that it helps.