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#1
Jul 22, 2015, 02:47 PM
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I can't do it. I really just can't. My sexual orientation is super confusing to me because what it comes down to is I think I'm preventing myself from getting attached to people. Anytime anyone is affectionate with me I get so angry and scared and I want them to stop and I want to run away and never talk to them again. Sometimes I'll think of somebody I might have a crush on, I really don't know if I do or not, and imagining being with them is so nice but I can't ever do it in real life because it's impossible. I can't love anyone. I don't love anyone. I can't ever show my affection to anyone. The more I like someone the less likely I'll be to tell them and I hate being affectionate and I hate showing them I actually care.
There's some mental block I feel but I've never been the victim of abuse or trauma so I don't really have an explanation as to why this is so impossible for me. I dread the thought of people loving me because I can't love them back. I feel like a robot a lot and I hate myself for not being able to express how I feel about people but so many of my feelings have been choked up my entire life and I don't know how to express them. I'm unlovable, and I know I am, because I have had dozens upon dozens of people who told me they love me abandon me, and it's all my fault because I'm a terrible person. I want to fix myself but I don't know how or where. I just wish I could love somebody and they could love me back and I would stop feeling so many negative feelings whenever somebody claims they care about me or I feel like I might care back. Sometimes it just gets so bad I'll excessively romanticize them and then when I realize they'll never love me or I can't ever love them or whatever I'll get so angry I'll throw away anything that reminds me of them and hurt myself. It's just really overwhelming and I don't know what to do. |
 Anonymous48850
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#2
Jul 22, 2015, 05:22 PM
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I'm unclear about the point of affection? If as you say, you don't want to become close to anyone, how did they cross the barrier to affection?
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#3
Jul 23, 2015, 12:59 AM
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It's more like I become very attached and everything is magnified in my head and so I push away before they can do anything.
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#4
Jul 23, 2015, 05:02 AM
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Dozens and dozens of people telling you that they love you, then abandoned you?
How is this humanly possible? |
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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