[Mr X]

Hi everyone,

I've never posted to a site like this before, or shared my problems beyond my gf/family. It's a bit of a long post so I'm sorry in advance to bore people. I often feel quite angry and stressed because of these problems that are affecting all my relationships.

I missed exams and dropped out of Uni had serious depression which parents didn't take seriously, self harmed (didn't tell them) - Uni was sometimes great, yet i was lost. I eventually went back and got high grades for all academic modules, but resat many vocational modules due to work commitments getting half First Class grades and 2 grades which were highest ever at Uni and some 40s in capped resits- but i still missed out on a 2:1 by 1%. I attained a distinction at masters level, and have been accepted onto a PhD.

Even although my brother is doing a different field, I feel the little success I have getting onto a PhD and in many ways my identity within the family is strongly threatened. As he has been spoiled living at home and mollycoddled I feel annoyed that my parents are going to view him as the smart one. As I am the black sheep in the family, the only thing I had is being taken away - even if my degree was in some ways quite successful.

Basically, I feel like my mum wants my half brother to outdo me and follow my career to make up for me messing up my twenties after my father abandoned me and my other brother.

There are also strong issues with my step father who I love, but who I am both similar and different to, causing us to clash. We have never had a sharing relationship and I feel like he has always viewed me as a threat and he constantly puts me down which is painful as I believe he should be on my side - not my enemy. I think that he doesn't even realise he's doing it sometimes. Every time my gf visits home with me - both he and my mum bring up that he didn't go to Uni but if he did he'd run circles around the lecturers - then proceeding to lecture me about politics (my subject). I never try to say that because I have a degree I am smarter etc, but there is this undertone of competition/having to prove something.

But i can never be 100% certain. He has apologised to me for being too harsh on me during my teens and early twenties. My mother is always on his side.

They know they made mistakes under tough circumstances - and so did I. I don't blame them.

I'm thirty now - I shouldn't care but I do. I feel like abandoning everyone for good, but it would hurt my brothers too much. I feel so much anger too and it's very draining. I've tried to talk about these issues but it never works. Just ends in terrible arguments. I feel I'm over my father leaving but think there are other big issues at work here.

I find it hard to have male friends and I am turning more and more into a stuttering forgetful drone from the stress and lack of happiness. I find myself fake smiling too much and having to prove my worth to people. It's madness.

Can anyone give any good advice?

Thanks for reading.

X

[divine1966]

My therapist says it's ok to limit your time with family if they are toxic and one doesn't need to feel guilty. You don't need to abandon them but no need to spend as much time, you are a adult. It sounds like your family adds too much stress to your life ( so does mine at times)

Your family sound like mine measuring happiness by academic and career success. There is more to life than that. You and your brother might have PhD but that doesn't make you happy.

Have you tried therapy?



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[Mr X]

Hi Divine,

Sorry to hear your family are a pain too. Thanks for taking the time to respond - How do you cope with your own family?

No. I've not seen a therapist, just a councillor in the past which didn't help much. My career alone doesn't make me happy. I know I definitely need to expand my life activities but I put too much pressure on myself to succeed which takes up mad amounts of time.

X

[LikeABoomerang]

Sorry things are rough with your family. I too am the black sheep of the family and a failure to them in many ways... though my dad has gotten a little easier to deal with over the last couple years (he used to be the worst - now its my mom).

I deal with my family in very small doses. We don't visit much (they are several hours away) and I limit my phone calls to the short and sweet side. I don't talk about touchy subjects or things likely to trigger an adverse reaction in either myself or them. I stick to subjects like my son, their dogs, things going on in their life, my brothers. I rarely talk about stuff going on in my life anymore, except the things that are an absolute need to know basis or something totally benign (hey, I painted the kitchen today, etc). Emotionally they've almost never been there for me and have usually had a negative effect on my emotions. It sucks, but it is what it is. I lean on others or my animals for support instead of my family.

[MetsAreTheBest]

Originally Posted by Mr X

I find it hard to have male friends and I am turning more and more into a stuttering forgetful drone from the stress and lack of happiness. I find myself fake smiling too much and having to prove my worth to people. It's madness.

Can anyone give any good advice?

Thanks for reading.

X

Nothing can replace family.. Are there any things which could help better the bond between you those you're having issues with? Even simple stuff? You could focus on those things, and try building off them.

Also, about smiling.. smiling is healthy.. but you gotta have your heart in them. Trust me, I smile all the time, it's become a habit.. and everytime I do, I feel a little better.. but I rarely 'fake smile' anymore..You gotta believe in letting out the love man! It's in you, it's in all of us.. really get behind those smile.. turn them into real smiles.. you'll see, try it for a week or two.. otherwise you may as well be frowning.. and that doesn't do anyone any good!!

Take care, I hope things get better for you! Don't be afraid to seek professional counseling!

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Mr X

Hi Divine,

Sorry to hear your family are a pain too. Thanks for taking the time to respond - How do you cope with your own family?

No. I've not seen a therapist, just a councillor in the past which didn't help much. My career alone doesn't make me happy. I know I definitely need to expand my life activities but I put too much pressure on myself to succeed which takes up mad amounts of time.

X

To answer your question how I cope. I spend time with my family but it's not excessive so I don't have time to dwell. I am busy with my own life and have no time to agonize . Yes I am successful. Sure I don't have PhD because I just don't need it, and I can't justify the cost, my master's degree is fine for me. I have a career and I raised my daughter well. I have many hobbies. I am currently single but I date and have friends. I don't envy my brother and he doesn't envy me. It doesn't matter to us who had what degree

Yes my dad is still a pain but it will never change so no point to stop living.



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[avlady]

i know how much anger takes out of a person, its awful. i hope you can solve these problems and maybe not see you're t or doc. i used to be filled with rage, until i got on meds, not that you need them but maybe some would help with anxiety.

[Mr X]

Hi Likeaboomerang,

It really sucks doesn't it, and it's such a Shame really.

I think you're right about the need to know basis. I think maybe I'll not get drawn into their political conversations - I am always wrong apparently!? I'll just let them carry on until they're tired and it's bed time ;-)

I appreciate you taking the time to read my post and respond so honestly. Having a family outside your childhood family must be quite liberating in some ways - knowing you've a sanctuary away from the heaviness and being able to set things right through the relationship you have with your son.

I hope that life will make up to you all of the negativity that you've had to face - Through fire the strongest steel is forged.

X

[Mr X]

Thanks Metsarethebest,

I've tried a few things but they aren't always accepted. I'll try to find other things instead and keep working on it.

Cheers!

Mr x

[MetsAreTheBest]

Originally Posted by Mr X

Thanks Metsarethebest,

I've tried a few things but they aren't always accepted. I'll try to find other things instead and keep working on it.

Cheers!

Mr x

Yeah man, try to stay positive, family is very important!!

[Zoeee]

I also have issues with family and I can relate to the stuttering and lack of genuine smiles in yourself. For me, those issues are on daily bases that make you lose the ability to smile (or feel truly happy) As for the stuttering, my mind can't get off my family issues so when it comes to talking about something else or to someone else, I just can't focus, plus it could be that English is my 2nd language, and I didn't have the energy anymore for that. People also view me as having a good career but seldom do I talk about my family issues. So there is always a "facade" you put on, and sometimes you just got very tired of this facade. That alone makes you "smileless".

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Hi, congrats on going onto your PhD, that's wonderful! Family is important but they aren't "everything," IMO. I feel I can say this as my parents died when I was in my 20s and while it has been hard at times - I am a happy person with a beautiful daughter and my partner (I'm divorced). My daughter and my partner are my family. When my mum was alive we had a difficult relationship and my psychiatrist told me my daughter and my (now ex) husband were my primary family. Perhaps down the road you may find yourself developing new family of your own.

Of course, I'm not suggesting that you disown your current family - but don't let them walk all over you. The easiest way is to limit time spent with them as needed.

Try not to worry too much about the stuttering - it happens and likely isn't as noticeable as you may think. If it doesn't resolve itself after awhile perhaps see your doctor for a referral to a speech therapist.

You've come a LONG way climbing out of that bad depression and getting back to school with the Masters and now onto the PhD. That's awesome! I went to law school so I understand how time-consuming post-uni can be. Try to not be too hard on yourself. You sound like a great guy. Welcome to PC! xo