[Something is Wrong]

Not sure where to start this all... (sorry it's a little lengthy)

So about a month or two ago I started talking to this man online (no intensions for relationships or anything... From my side at least). He's been nothing but sweet to me and we talk all the time (day and night sometimes). Now I think he's showing signs that he likes me. Every morning he messages me "Good morning beautiful. Hope you have a great day today" and every night "Sweet dreams" before I go to bed. He's really open to me about his personal life. He has told me how he thinks I'm an amazing and wonderful person and how he thinks he's very fortunate to know me. (plus other very obvious signs signs he likes me. The list just goes on).

Seems all wonderful and all, right? This is the part that gets a little sticky. I grew up in a family filled with hate and also around other toxic relationships. There was no such thing as love. Everything was filled with hate; my parents hated each other, my parents hated me, my siblings hated me too. Nobody was happy. Love was never something that existed in my family, something I never got to know. I have never experienced love at all.

All because of this I started to fear marriage since I was a tyke. Seems like everything is my fault. If the relationship ends it will be my fault. What if he wakes up one day and decides that he actually hates me? What if I get abused in the relationship? What if he cheats on me? What if my parents don't accept him? I know marriage is wayyyyy down in a relationship but it prevents me from even being in a relationship with somebody.

Marriage is so so terrifying to me. I see myself crying insanely, falling into the deep pits of depression, having a panic attack, and running away on my wedding day. It gives me anxiety and I start crying sometimes just thinking about it. I will be in ruins. I fear my marriage will collapse, we will fight, he'll hate my body and feel dissatisfied, I will fail as a mother, and generally feeling trapped and stuck when I get married. I just want to run away from these thoughts and feelings.

I have never had marriage in my books since I was a kid. It was something I never wanted since I was a little girl. When I was little, people would ask me if I will get married one day to which I would go "Noooo!" and then run off and play with my toys. I was never like the other little girls that fantasized about getting married; it was never something I wanted to do.

Possible trigger:

There are people that go "I'll kill myself if I don't get married/get in a relationship" and there's me who's the opposite - "I'll kill myself if I get married"

I see my future as dark if I happen to get married. No happiness, just the feeling of being trapped, not fulfilling my duty as a wife and completely destroying his life. I don't want to destroy him. I don't want to destroy him. I don't want to destroy him. He's such a great man and I'm such a bad person. He deserves a woman a billion times better than me. I want to pull away. I want to stop talking to him. I don't want to talk to him anymore. I want to disappear from his life. I want to erase me out of him mind and his life. Does he really deserve me?

But then there's a small part of me that wants to get married one day (not a grand wedding or anything that other women dream of), have a family, and grow with the person I 'love'. But at the same time it's terrifying. All the possibilities of what will happen in our relationship makes me so so scared. I don't want to end up like my parents. I would hate my life even further. It will feel like my childhood is playing itself out again. I don't want that. I don't want that.

He is a great friend to say so the least. No, I am not going to talk to him about it. He'll just think I'm weird and our friendship will go down the drain. I'm not a person that would agree to be in a 'short-term relationship' in all honesty. 95% sure I'll turn him down if he admits his feelings to me.

Ok yeah maybe I won't be with this guy at the end of this all but will my fear of marriage ever go away? Or am I always doomed to be this way? It makes me feel awful but I'm so scared to form relationships like this. I know the only way to get over this fear is to put myself in a relationship but that's extremely difficult :/

[CopperStar]

Marriage is nothing but a piece of paper from the government. If you get divorced, you just get new papers. The concept of marriage itself is no longer some bound-for-life ritual in which you must stay together or be social outcasts as "sinners" for separating, or whatever. Romantic relationships are risky, complex and hard work with or without that piece of paper from the government. You have deeper underlying issues that need to be addressed therapeutically and they really have nothing to do with marriage. Focusing on marriage is just your mind's way of piling all the blame onto one simple thing, which you can then avoid - see how that works as a coping mechanism? It's long and hard work to heal old childhood wounds, but just dodging getting married is much easier and simplistic.

[iwonderaboutstuff]

A virtual relationship with someone you don't know in rl. It'll run it's course. Enjoy having someone positive, who makes you feel good in your life as long as it goes.

If you want a successful relationship in rl, you'll need to deal with your self-worth issues. If you don't, self sabotage will reign in one form or another.

[divine1966]

He might not be who he says he is. And " good morning beautiful" to someone he never met sounds as one of those scamming plots. They might be not even one person but the whole gang in Nigeria or Eastern Europe.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Whether it's IRL or not, I have felt like this my entire life. OP, I don't know how old you are, but don't wait til you're an old woman like me to start dealing with issues of self worth. Deal with this with a good therapist and find a real life person who loves you for who you are, good and bad, and live your life. Not your fears.

[Something is Wrong]

@CopperStar - I realize marriage is merely just a piece of paper but the emotions and responsibilities that piece of paper brings is undeniable. Just a relationship before marriage is different than once you get married. Maybe it just is my head messing with me and I'm using my fear of marriage as a coping method. I just don't know. Whatever it is though is just ruining me.

@iwonderaboutstuff - I have never been in a relationship before so I guess you're right. I probably should start off with a relationship irl when I'm ready. Yeah, I realize my self-worth is ridiculously low.... blah.

@divine1966 - No, he isn't a scam I'm pretty sure. Met him on a forum much like this one (except it's not for mental health). He had his profile picture up already and only asked me how I looked like a month into our conversation (didn't ask how I looked like right away). He only started calling me beautiful after he saw what I looked like (But the first time he called me beautiful he said "I really hope you don't mind me saying this but I think you're really beautiful"). He also sent me pictures of places he's been to, pictures of him holding stuff, and more pictures of himself so I highly doubt he's faking all this. Plus he knows I don't have a job so he can't get any money off of me lol.

@Little Cat - I'm 20 years old. I know I'm really young and I have my whole life time to sort things out but I feel like a lone wanderer. I was OK with the fact of being alone forever because marriage and everything that could possibly lead up to it has always seemed so scary to me. I probably should look into therapy but I have so many insecurities and self-woth problems I see it hard to overcome. It seems like it'll stick around with me forever and I can never get over it.

[iwonderaboutstuff]

Originally Posted by Something is Wrong

@iwonderaboutstuff - I have never been in a relationship before so I guess you're right. I probably should start off with a relationship irl when I'm ready. Yeah, I realize my self-worth is ridiculously low.... blah.

The thing about being young - and this comes from 20/20 hindsight - is when you're living it there is this misconception that everyone else is doing it right or having these great relationships or sex. Turns out that's not true.

There is nothing wrong with being 20 and not having a relationship before. I mean, I get where you're coming from and how that can play into the self esteem stuff, but it really is OK, nothing wrong with it - at all. When you meet the right person, you may be really glad that's the way it worked out. Them too. It can make what you have more special.

I don't know what's right for you and you're going to have to figure that out for yourself. Maybe "trying on" a relationship online is a good way to help you figure that out. idk. On the plus side, there is the built in barrier, which is good, keeps the physical bit out of it, which truthfully adds a whole other dimension. That said, just 'cause it's virtual doesn't mean there can't be a sexual component to it. Not saying it'll go that way, just saying it could. So, if you keep going with this guy, know that. Just like in rl, if anything he says or does makes you uncomfortable, you stop it. Step away from the computer. If you need to take time to sort out how you feel, take it. If you need to set boundaries or end it, do it. If it feels good, makes you happy, no emotional angst, enjoy.

Your low self esteem does make you vulnerable. Recognize that.
Emotional dependence on this guy, not desirable.

[iwonderaboutstuff]

last thing, then I'll shut up lol Recognizing your "self worth is ridiculously low" is half the battle. I'm not kidding. It's unbelievable how this can drive people's actions for years without them even knowing it. There are so many ways to increase your feelings of self worth. Please be pro-active on this! idk if that means therapy or not for you. What I do know is you sure as heck don't need therapy to get started on it. I'm shutting up now...