[CopperStar]

I'm not really sure where exactly to post this, hope this forum is okay, since it's a type of relationship.

But I've had this feeling come and go in waves for as long as I can remember.

It would be a massive wall of text to give all the examples over the years, so I will just give the latest. I might just need to 'vent' it out maybe.

So roughly nine months ago, I was psychotic and homeless. I had cell phone with texting and I would occasionally text my mother. In retrospect after the episode, I could see that it was obvious that I was psychotic.

However my mother never made any attempt to urge me to think clearly, or to try to get me to come home (I had been gone for about year prior to that after running away due to a different psychotic break, she just let me leave that time, as well, dumped me at the airport and didn't even hug me goodbye). She never texted me first to see if I was okay or anything.

When the psychosis started winding down, I had a horrified reaction to my situation, I was hysterical. I texted her and begged her to save me. I was in a very primitive child-like state of mind, I was so scared and confused. She said she would have to see if she could get the ticket for free first. So I had to wait on the curb holding the phone and sobbing for a while I waited to see if she would save me or not. She eventually said if I could make it to the airport, then she could get the ticket for free (due to her traveling hookups, she is a wealthy traveler).

When I finally arrived back here, I tried to communicate that I really needed to see a psychiatrist. However my mother decided that she would diagnose me herself, gave me a wrong diagnosis (not a shocker, she is not a psych professional) and sent me off to therapy. It was a very long, tangled mess, during most of which I very disoriented and suicidal.

Over the months every time I would ask her to please take me to a psychiatrist, she would either completely ignore me, or she would make a small fuss about the money/insurance issues and then blow it off. Meanwhile though she always made a point to brag to me about her cruises, vacations, how much money she was making, show off her new expensive clothes to me, etc.

So it wasn't until a couple months ago when I started to show signs of psychosis again that she finally agreed to take me to a psychiatrist.

Recently I made the huge dumb mistake of opening up to her and telling her how hard it has been for me all these months, spending day after day alone in the house with no stimulation, nothing to look forward to each day, and that I was starting to feel suicidal. I told her I just really needed something, a pet, a hobby, something to hold onto and look forward to each day.

She responded telling me that I could do more chores for her if I wanted something to do. I got emotional and said I didn't understand why she was always bragging about how wealthy she is and about all of her vacations and such but wouldn't give me one thing to enjoy in life right now. I was really upset and wound up blubbering that I'm a human being and not a pet to just be kept home to do nothing but sit on the couch all day, and that trying to adjust to me new medication was making it even harder.

She ignored basically all of it, and later I apologized for my "outburst" because I always apologize for sharing my true thoughts and feelings. Over the next few days it was like she was making a point of it to brag about how much money she has, stealing side glances at me like she wanted to see if I would react.

I really feel like she wants me to off myself already. There have been so many times in my life when I needed help and could have died, and her response has always been to just ignore me like she's waiting with fingers crossed that I'll finally get myself killed. Even when I was a child she would put or leave me in dangerous situations and not care, too busy with internet boyfriend, and then later boyfriend 2. She has told me twice in my life that her pregnancy with me was an accident and she couldn't get an abortion because her parents were religious.

I just really feel like she is just waiting for me to die already. I just needed to get that out.

[Bill3]

(((((CopperStar)))))

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((( CopperStar ))))))))))

[StillIntending]

I'm so sorry. That seems like it would be such a hard place to be, and I'm sure finding people who can really relate to you is hard. Thank you for sharing with us here. I hope venting helped, at least a little bit for now.

[healingme4me]

((((CopperStar))))

[avlady]

i would think she would be happy you got help for yourself, but i guess not. you do need to do something to get a doc and t if for medication only, but talking to a t helps greatly.good luck

[unaluna]

Yeah i feel like she thinks she would get all kinds of sympathy then. More than she gets now for having such a rotten kid like me, cuz now she is still open to suspicion that maybe she did something wrong.

I spent a couple three years waiting out my disability case at my mothers. I got pretty low. At one point she disconnected the computer (she doesnt use it). When she saw that i DIDNT mind, that i just spent more time reading or outside, she told me to get it reconnected! Like she WANTED me to be addicted. It was weird. I hope you get away. Life will still be hard, but it is better without them sitting on you.

[Mr X]

Hi,

You are clearly going through a very very tough time right now. Your mum sounds like she wants to control the situation sometimes, then she fails and escapes into her world of materialism like many people in the world. Perhaps in some ways she is as lost as you. It sounds like she cares, even if she pushes her identity on you too much which must be frustrating. You are clearly quite different, but don't let that get between you.
As a Brit I always wonder if medication is always the answer for mental health issues - at least meds that are linked to suicidal thoughts. Look into the meds you take and research them. If you feel helpless, try to control what you can - your diet for example to start with. Try to read something to get your mind away from your troubles when you are at home.
My advice might not be good but maybe it could help a bit. Stay strong - you will get past this.

[CopperStar]

Originally Posted by hankster

Yeah i feel like she thinks she would get all kinds of sympathy then. More than she gets now for having such a rotten kid like me, cuz now she is still open to suspicion that maybe she did something wrong.

I spent a couple three years waiting out my disability case at my mothers. I got pretty low. At one point she disconnected the computer (she doesnt use it). When she saw that i DIDNT mind, that i just spent more time reading or outside, she told me to get it reconnected! Like she WANTED me to be addicted. It was weird. I hope you get away. Life will still be hard, but it is better without them sitting on you.

I feel very similar, I can imagine her throwing herself a huge pity party at my funeral. That is how she operates based on several things from past. Like when she told me she wanted me to move out and go live with my new boyfriend, because she wanted my bedroom for herself as an office. I was fairly fresh from high school graduation, had no car yet, barely new my then-boyfriend and was trying to save up money from my then-job. I was so hurt and bewildered that I just left. She then proceeded to tell everyone that I abandoned her and that she didn't understand why I was being so mean and why I didn't want to stay home. She smeared me to tons of people and threw herself a big pity parade when SHE was the one who told me she wanted me gone. That is how she works.

Your mother might be sick. Don't worry too much about it. Only good knows what causes her to be like that. Do what you can to get back on your feet and leave.

[marmaduke]

Hugs to you Copper

[MikeNessMonster]

I'm sorry that this is the way your mother treats you. She sounds like the type of person who is mentally unstable but is able to hide it very well behind her "normalcy". How old are you? If you're able, you could look into being emancipated. This may lead you into a lot of trouble if you're not stable enough to maintain a job and living situation, but leaving her care may be the very thing that will help you get out of your head and onto being your authentic self. This type of person is what I call an energy vampire. They feed energetically off of people who are unable to guard their emotions. She is a sad person deep down, and if she cannot show empathy for you as her child then there is very little you should expect from her. Instead of asking things from her, go out and.find them yourself. You will be happier if you can be more self dependant than expecting her to help you when she has proven that she doesn't care. Remember you are your own advocate.

Please DON'T DO IT ... !!!

If you kill yourself there will be a hole in the Universe where you're supposed to be and that will be a very sad thing!

Also remember that the word "mother" is only one letter away from the word "smother"!

My mother also would rather have seen me dead than see me get well ... I finally kicked her and the rest of my toxic family to the curb for my own physical & emotional well-being.

You may have to do the same thing ... It isn't easy, but it is doable!

Establish a good support network away from your mother and family and repeat after me ...

I ain't givin' the bastards "that" ...

THAT being your LIFE!

Sincerely,
Pfrog!

[Koko2]

Per Pfrog above, you have to find happiness without your mother's help. Your mother has her own mental problems. Good luck.

You sound like such a nice person. And I've had psychotic breaks so I know how frightening and debilitating they can be. You're very strong!

Your mother's personality and treatment of you is very unfortunate but that is nothing you are causing, of course. Don't let her drag you down. Your life is worth it! xo