[WomanConfused]

I need some help I'm not sure what to do. I met somebody about 5 years ago who I fell in love with.

At the time we met he was married and I saw him physically abuse his wife whom he was separated from. It crushed me. However, he never did anything to me and I was in love with him so I went back to him, but we had this discussion that when he was younger he was diagnosed with an emotional disorder.... lol not saying what. Later I told him I thought he was a sociopath and he agreed. What was I to do I was in love with him and never felt I was his victim. Although, at the time I met him I was also married and had an open relationship with my husband. He knew that my husband didn't want me being in a relationship with him though and it never stopped him. Thoughout our 1st go of the relationship there were times where I felt he would just pick fights with me over nothing and go on and on about what seemed to be a minor issue. He is very long winded and so I just didn't know what to say so I just chalked it up to his drinking since the two of us liked to drink together. He would take a minor thing and twist it into a huge issue and carry on for hours. The next morning we would wake up like nothing ever happened and never discuss it. We broke up after 8th months because I got pissed at him and ended up slapping him.

We continued to keep in touch and I just couldn't get over him. I would always reach out to him and tell him how much I missed him and still loved him. After a year of not seeing each other he had a change of heart and we were back together for a short time. During that time however, things got deep we were professing how our dreams had lead us back together and how we were meant to be. He had some family issues which were legal and said he couldn't be with me anymore. I was devastated and couldn't handle it. Meanwhile I was still married and 6 months after I broke up with him I was still so devastated that I left my husband. I told him this and he totally shut me out of his life and wouldn't speak to me for almost a year. I still tried to keep in touch and I just couldn't move on. Finally, a year and 7months after our break up he again had a change of heart and we started seeing each other again. Only, it's different this time. He knows I'm in love with him and want to marry him but he's saying he's emotionally unavailable because of what happened in his marriage but he still needs love and knows that I'm so in love with him that it's not healthy for me to be without him. So I only see him like once a week if that. His ex wife is living back with him but he's claiming its for financial reasons. I haven't been allowed to go to his house because he doesn't want his kids to know he's seeing me. Whenever I see him its not unitl like 10:30 at night and he'll sleep over and stay until late afternoon the next day. But it's almost like he's sneaking out. I know most people would be upset about his wife being in the house but that really isn't most of my concern.
I'm just wondering with all these break ups and getting back together if this is something a sociopath does? Aside from breaking up/getting back together, the stupid drunk arguments things seem normal to the degree we are in a casual committed relationship. So I question even though he's admitted to being a sociopath what is the big deal? He knows I have some savings, he hasn't asked for a dime, he hasn't laid a hand on me. Is there such thing as a sociopath that doesn't lie, cheat, manipulate, abuse etc? I cannot seem to catch him in any lies either. Sometimes I question if he knew exactly what he was doing with me from the get go because I was pretty happily married and now I'm getting divorced. Although, when I left my husband he said he couldn't handle the guilt he felt and didn't want nothing to do with me for a whole year. Clearly, I had other issues in my marriage that caused the divorce and he had come to understand that so hence, he's back. But what am I supposed to do? If he is a sociopath and doesn't seem to do any of the typical things most people are scared by what should I do? I've been in love from the minute I met him 5 years ago and it devastates me to be without him. I've been the one doing all the chasing not him.

[Puglife]

From your description of him it does not sound like he is a sociopath. It does sound like he is an abuser, a user, manipulator and liar. It sounds like you are more addicted to him than actually in love with him. What are you getting out of the relationship? Are your needs being met? Are you passing up other potentially good relationships because you are so entangled in this? If you aren't in therapy I would suggest finding a therapist to help you understand why you would value yourself so little to remain in this situation. Good luck!

I recommend that you not focus on a label but instead look at the facts and your relationship history. It sounds like you're much more emotionally invested in him than he is for you. He "reappears" in your life when it's convenient for him and maybe he's bored, wants sex, etc.

[~Christina]

I'm not a Doctor of course.. I don't see " Sociopath" .. Sounds like you are dependant/obsessed with him in a very unhealthy manner. I can see giving someone a second chance .. but this back and forth is just giagantic red flags!

Admitting you slapped him I'm sure was difficult, But in reality physically slapping a partner/lover/etc is just wrong.

He is pulling and pushing you back and forth. Don't you deserve someone who loves YOU. Too me he is using your addiction/dependant/needy feelings for him as a way to just use you.

I think it would be helpful for you see a Therapist to help sort out why your so driven to be with someone that obviously doesn't care for you and much as you do for him.

You deserve better. Welcome to PC

[divine1966]

He sounds awful. And he still lives with his ex. I bet they are sleeping together. What a mess

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[healingme4me]

My flags went up on the inability to let go of an argument. People don't need to ask for money to be manipulating and liars and users. If not abuse it's using. There's then, the whole convenience issue. Then the reaction to your divorce (cover blown reaction to the wife/exwife..no longer your husbands wife, however could those two be friends?)..but those are just thoughts as I was reading.
Why sociopath over narcissistic or something else?

[Trippin2.0]

Gee, he sounds like a real keeper


*dripping with hopefully helpful sarcasm


You have not mentioned one redeeming quality, one absolutely positive statement about him or your "relationship", that even remotely describes why this guy is even an option as a prospective partner...


Look at the facts, not the fantasy you've built up into a huge crescendo in your mind.


This honestly seems more like an addiction than a star crossed lover's story...


I agree that therapy might be the best option for you at this point.

It may not only open your eyes as to why you feel so drawn to this man, but it will hopefully get you to the point where you see him for what he is, instead of making excuses for his abhorrent behavior toward you, by trying to diagnose him.


Best of luck.


PS. From my admittedly limited experience / knowledge on the subject matter, I just don't see sociopath. I do however see asshole with a capital A.


PPS. I didn't want my daughter knowing about my bf before being certain the relationship was solid... I however did not ban him from my house. He was introduced as a friend.

i.e. Adults also have friends.

Don't buy into that bullshyt, you're not allowed at his house because his (ex?)wife is there... But its probably easier believing he's lies because they are much prettier than the truth.


Many of us have been there in some way, shape or form.