[HopefulSoul]

First ill give you a little background. Im in my early 30's and have a pretty adventurous life. i get out all the time and im going back to school and have a lot of close friends. I am very blessed in that. i general have a great life.

but........

I have my happy moments. I mean everyone does, no one can be depressed 24/7 its almost impossible. Right? i often wonder if i just put on a show of happiness so peel wont see the real me. I am bummed out most of the time and pretty much have no idea why. drunk or sober my past comes back to haunt me from time to time, which is a back thing cause its keeping me from moving forward. I feel closed off even when once in awhile i have a spark of opening up. i feel like i close it as fast as i open it. i want to know what wrong with my head and heart. why does it seem to always be in pain. Do I like the pain? Do i like being in this dark place. What am i waiting for? Perfection? that doesn't exist. I walked away from a poisonous situation that i need to walk away from. neither of us where good for each other. yeah we loved each other but on what level.

On what level is love so strong that it is unbreakable? is this even possible? does this kind of love that is protrude in the movies real? i mean that kind of love has to come from some where right? Did hi have this kind of love once and just **** it up? is it possible to get this kind of love back and will my inner shell and brain let me get to this? I am so confused and its driving me crazy. I don't want to feel like this anymore.

I want to love another person. Thats what life is all about, is love. So why can’t i feel this special feeling again. Have i just set the bar so high that no one will ever get to this point with me. I mean thats not really the question. They can get there, but why cant I? Why don't i feel love any more? its very sad that i cant seem to achieve this feeling. Or is it that i just haven't met the right women to feel this towards? Does love even really exist or is it just something we make up in our minds to be with another person?

i mean i feel happiness once in awhile and i feel great after i workout, but it all slowly fades. I just don't understand whats wrong. it has been 2.5 years since the girl and i broke up after a 12 year relationship. Does that have anything thing to do with it and if so what is going on? I don't feel like killing myself or anything but i defiantly have noticed that i don't seem to love or get that close with anyone else, even though i have dated more than a few lades since. Am i domed to wonder this world alone because of my own brain/heart? Will i ever let someone in again or am i just some picky that I'm crazy?

i just don't understand i have a current girl friend that loves the hell out of me, but i don't feel the same. I mean I'm happy but i don't feel the love i used to feel for another person. Is that normal?

[iwonderaboutstuff]

Hmmm... well, I've never felt the same way about any of my "loves," each has been different.

12 years with your ex and still in your early 30s, that's pretty significant. It's bound to effect you even now.

I think talking to a therapist about how you're feeling and discussing your internal inquiries could really help you. xo