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My boyfriend was physically and emotionally abused by his ex boyfriend who he was in a relationship with for around 2 years and it has understandably caused mine and his relationship to be very rocky and and extremely uncertain. My boyfriend emailed me on a dating site a couple months ago and it took us almost a whole month to finally go on our first date because he kept standing me up and flaking on dates and he stood me up 4 or 5 times before we finally went on our first date. I asked him why he kept standing me up and he told me that he wasn't sure how to approach me because he thought I was out of his league which in my opinion he is the one whose out of my league. He also said he was afraid that I would either tell him I want a committed relationship just so I can get in his pants and have a one night stand or I would up and leave randomly at some point in our relationship. I assured him that I wouldn't do that and that opened him up a little bit and we started flirting more than we normally did. We finally went on our first date shortly after that and I could tell he still had walls up but I could also tell he was trying to break them down because we were sitting on a bench at this lake and he got bold and asked me if he could kiss me and I of course said yes and we kissed. We both connected on a deep level, it felt like I was talking to my best friend when we went on our first date. We went on 2 more dates the next two consecutive days after that and both of those dates went just as good as the first one did.

After that he started standing me up on dates again but despite that I would ask him if he still wants a relationship with me and he has always said yes every single time I've asked him which I've lost count at this point as to how many times I've asked him if he still wants a relationship with me. Anyway since then we have been going thru periods where he and I will be communicating and everything will be fine and we will schedule dates but he still stands me up and after a while he cuts all communication with me for anywhere from several days to several weeks at a time and then he will text me again out of the blue and we will start the process over again.

I haven't seen him in about 2 months and its killing me from the inside out and I know its killing him too because he wants to be with me but he keeps letting the fear get the best of him. The fear that I'll be like his ex and I'll abuse him and cheat on him or just up and leave him out of nowhere. The last time he texted me back after he cut contact with me he suggested that he and I make our relationship official and I asked him if its okay if I tell him I love him and he said yes and he loves me too. This kills me because he's not the type of guy that would tell someone he loves them like he did with me unless he meant it and I am the same way.

I know he's not playing games or seeing other guys because he barely leaves his house. Facebook has a feature that allows you to see where your friends are located via gps and he has gone almost a whole 7 days without leaving his house except to go get something to eat nearby. He also hasn't posted anything about him with other guys on facebook or instagram. Most of the stuff he has been posting on facebook the past month has been depressing stuff. Last week he went on a rampage posting all kinds of memes about being cheated on and being abused etc. When he posts pictures of himself you can tell just by looking at his eyes and the lack of expression on his face that he's depressed.

I love him so much and it terrifies me so much and keeps me up at night at the thought of losing him. He hasn't contacted me in 3 weeks to the day and despite that, I have been texting him good morning and goodnight every single day and occasionally I'll text him that I'm thinking about him or missing him in the middle of the day. He hasn't blocked my number because I can call him and it rings the normal 5 times before going to voicemail. I have left him voicemails as well just telling him i miss him and love him but alas I haven't heard anything from him. This is the longest I've gone without talking to him and its so hard. It feels like I dont even exist to him even though thats probably not true. Theres times where I want to give up on him but the thought of giving up on him always makes me cry and I just can't bring myself to do it. I can't just go to his house and ask him whats going on because for one I know where he lives but I don't know the apartment number he lives in and even if I did it would probably make things worse if I did.

I know I'm not his psychiatrist and I know I can't fix him but the least I can do is be supportive of him in his process of getting the help he needs which he has told me he is thinking about getting as well as being there for him when/if he needs me to. What kind of boyfriend would I be if I gave up on him and left him? All that would do is confirm that he can't trust me or anyone else for that matter and it would devastate both of us.. He was in between jobs for the last month or 2 but he just found a new full time job so I'm sure it will help him to get out of the house more.

I am wondering if there is anything else I can do to show him I care about him and love him and get him to text me back? Should I just keep doing what I'm doing or is there anything else I can do?

I am also wondering if there is anyone out there who has either been in the same shoes as my boyfriend or if theres anyone thats been in my shoes that can give me encouragement?

[Trippin2.0]

I've been in similar shoes to yours.


My bf didn't cancel dates and stuff, but he suffers from bouts of depression and would randomly disappear for stretches of time. He would completely shut the world out, and would hide out in his room.


In the beginning it freaked me out so I would randomly show up at his job or home to check up on him. Or call his cousin or mother or whatever, to make sure he's ok.


He refused to let me in because he was convinced I would get fed up, figure out he's not worth the effort and leave anyways.


I did what you are doing now, sent texts, gifs, images, that let him know I was thinking of him, but that didn't garner a response...

It was just to reassure him that I was still there.


As time went by and our relationship progressed, I explained to him how his random disappearances affected me and he understood. So then he agreed to not be random and I at least got a warning text explaining how he's not doing too well and needs a timeout from the world.


Slowly but surely he started letting me in. Now he doesn't shut me out at all anymore, he's still not really talkative, which I understand completely, but at least he's vocal about what he's dealing with, and lets me into that vulnerable space of his. A space which used to be completely off limits to everyone.