[norwegianwoman]

I hope the title does not scare away straight men or lesbian women, because this is as I see it an universal subject.

Either way, to keep it short: I once again find my love unrequited. I am 24, have had one serious relationship and I knew it wouldn't last. Why? I never felt that strongly for him. It was more like a "well, we are friends and I can't seem to get anyone else"-situation. It sounds cruel in retrospect, but it's true. It wasn't that I didn't like him or even felt slightly in love with him. I did, and for a while we had that passionate, early relationship-feel to us.

But it was never quite right. We met each others' friends, but mainly as a courtesy. I didn't feel he would fit with my friends and rarely invited him along, and when I did he was clearly uncomfortable. None of my friends liked him and I didn't really do much to amend it. I always felt it was just a stable relationship, it worked, but there was no passion there. I am coming back to this later as I don't really think that's a bad thing, people these days misunderstand love.

Anyways, that's my most serious relationship, we also lived together for a while. I've had one other relationship, which interestingly was quite different: We didn't know each other before we met and got on flirtingly, he was a few years older and had a stable life situation. With him I felt the physical attraction strongly, much more strongly than with my long-term bf, and we got along. But there was always and awkwardness there. I don't know, we were too different at a ground level. We always did "non-controversial" things like having sex and watching Friends (usually not at the same time) or cooking together. But whenever we touched a more serious subject, it got askew. He had been engaged before we met and he was clearly uncomfortable with talking about it, which was fine by me - as long as he was open about it I wasn't one to dig into his past. But he seemed to be the guy who only wanted the joyous side of a relationship, maybe because he had so recently gotten out of a so serious one. I have always been very interested in politics and wanted to discuss it, at least on a very basic/superficial level (as I see it). He had this calendar of soft porn ladies which I found kind of offensive, and I sent him a feminist text dealing with those issues and he just pretended like nothing. It was like he didn't even want to admit he disagreed, which would've been fine, at least we could air our views. And on top of it, this coincided with a domestic terror attack (July 22nd 2011) here in Norway which for me was rather traumatic, as I myself had a past in a political youth party and had spent several wonderful years of summer camp on that particular island. He voted for the party which youth department was on the island but that was it, it doesn't really matter anyway. The point is that we dealt with it so differently that I realized we would never fit. I was in desperate need of talking about it, with anyone, just to feel less empty inside, while he avoided the subject at all costs, even if it involved walking out on a family dinner. I realized we would never be able to solve serious emotionally traumatic we might come across in the long run, such as loss of a common friend.

To make a long story short: It ended, and he was still infatuated with me. To an extent, he still is, and occasinally texts me and says he misses me. I know he has been depressed and not found anyone else and I feel bad, but I also know going back to him because I need sex or to feel close to someone would be wrong and only make things worse, so I generally keep a polite, but defined distance. That's the extents of my most serious relationships.

Funnily enough, none of those guys - different as they are - are ones I've truly fallen for. Sure, I have fallen, especially at one stage. But I never felt right away that this would work, or this is a guy I would love to bring to my friends. I have felt that, for several other guys. They usually share some traits: Extremely charming, but not in a douchy way (my douchebag alarm is so strong I sometimes ward off pretty decent guys with my attitude if I feel the slightest inkling they're not nice). Funny, but not in the arrogant way of a man who expects everyone to laugh at him. More in a sort of goofy, but likeable way. I like men with a slightly nerdy humour and a streak for references, but without getting too obscure. And they need to be socially well-adapted in the sense that they can go through a room and flawlessly blend in, talking to people.

This might seem like I am describing fantasy man, but the point is I have already met this guy. Several times. Always sligthly different, but the basic traits were usually the same. In most cases, I didn't really dare showing any interest except what I interpreted as flirting or occasionally contacting him out of a natural setting (such as outside work hours) to keep going on a joke we shared earlier or ask what he was doing, but I was ALWAYS sure to keep it casual. I hate to appear needy and desperate. I rarely state what I feel about someone and instead wait for them to make a move. Sometimes, I pull slightly indecent jokes that everyone find funny, which are also somewhat suggestive. I can be really funny with people, especially people I like, and this is a side I feel I have to keep up (maybe to a too great extent, I don't know, I haven't felt like it but you never know) when I am interested in someone to show them I am funny and easy to be with. Often things people look for in a partner. Most of the time, this is as far as it gets. One time, I did get this guy, I made the move because the setting was just right. We met a few times more and I fell head over heels in a short time. We spoke every day and I really, really felt that this, this is it. I felt we were both easy-going, but also daring to talk philosophy and politics, secure enough in our views to discuss it in a mature way. We shared experiences from the past that were rather personal, and we constantly found excuses to talk to each other. This went on for quite some time, and we, especially me, got bolder about how I felt, which is a big step for me. Then suddenly, he tells me his ex-gf who lived in the US for years while studying was moving back, and old feelings had resurfaced. Fair enough, can't really protest that. He broke it off clean and decent even before he'd talked to her, just because he knew I was so keen and he felt it would be wrong to keep me around when he knew he would just feel more strongly for her. I was sad, but not really angry/bitter as I felt he had dealt with it in a mature way. Some of my friends always ***** about their exes and it truly only reflects bad on them, if the guy is really so bad they made a poor choice to begin with. I don't feel the need for that, with any of my exes really. We had a good time while it lasted. I felt I fit much better with him than any of the others mentioned.

Either way, I am hopeless at not letting anecdotes get in my way, but the point is that now I experienced that same kind of feeling, except we didn't get anywhere. Instant chemistry, just so completely un-struggled, so natural, so smooth. We both clearly felt good talking to each other and sought each other out when we met, which granted wasn't often. We met at work and we ate lunch together, not in a flirty way but just because we liked hanging out. We had the same taste in books, shows etc. and frequently discussed it, and we had the same kind of sorta nerdy humour. Then I stopped working there and we kind of got out of touch, just barely kept in touch to find out what the other was doing in a friendly way, not really anything more. We met again today at a party, for the first time in about a year, and I felt we hit it off right away like usually, cracking jokes and just having this really strong chemistry and again I thought, we would be a perfect fit. He's everything I look for in a guy and he's laid-back, he is just himself so effortlessly (this trait is really attractive to me, I love confident guys but hate the ones who confuse confidence with arrogance or over-assertion). We talked for quite a long time and were both clearly at ease, comfortable but eventually a girl walked over and I realized she was his girlfriend. The worst part was that she was really kind of cool, I stayed with them for quite some time also joking around with her and having the weirdest conversations, she was nice and someone I could've become friends with normally.

Again I am somewhat sad and a bit irritated that I have never, thus far, never experienced someone I really fall for also falling for me. I mentioned a few examples here but these are all mature relations, I've also had my teenage flings and it was the same with them. I very rarely fall for a guy buy when I do, I fall hard. But my experience is that the really falling-head-over-heels-guys never like me back. I don't know why, and this frustrates me. It's possible they would've if they realized I was interested at an early stage, or it's possible they friend zone me instantly. Who knows. Either way, it never works out.

I mentioned my bf whom I never felt that strongly for, but I still didn't want to end that relationship. I believe a long-term relationship is not so much about passion but a whole lot about compromise, about being friends and acknowledning that love changes over time. Like it or not, through most of human history practial reasons have been the foundation for the majority of families and it has to a rather large extent worked out. I roll my eyes at friends who think they will find eternal love and feel as passionate about their lover 50 years from now as they do now. My parents have been together for almost 40 years and theirs is a relationship I really admire, it is based on trust and friendship. They love each other deeply but they are not as much IN LOVE with each other as they were in their 20s (something some of my friends seem to mistake for love). Thus, I realize that the ones I fall for might just be the ones I fall in love with, not the ones I necessarily love forever. I really just want a stable, trusting relationship in the long run. And I've started to realize life is probably better for everyone if they just aknowledge that. The problem is you can't ignore those feelings, that passion and that instant feeling of coming home, finding someone you could truly be with. Of course, I dream of getting both but I've come to realize that might never happen. So, my question is, to all those who ended up with someone different than they imagined they would: How do you do it? How do you stop thinking about the ones you feel instantly attracted to and perceive as perfect matches, and start wiring your head towards the ones who you wouldnt feel that instant connection with, but who might be a great fit in the long run as you work togehter? Someone you grow in love with instead of falling in love with?

Sorry for this extremely long post, I am notoriously hopeless at keeping it short.

[Indie'sOK]

I understand completely where you're coming from. I had the same type of relationship with my ex...lacking in passion but it made up for it in the way we got on together. Effortlessly...like the best friend I could have ever asked for. I don't know what to say except I hope someone else can give you some good advice. Know that you're not alone, please. I'm hoping you get some good responses to this post. It's too well-written to remain ignored.