[Yismymindblank12]

Is it wrong that I don't want intimacy. Like I didn't choose to be this way because I'm so used to being disappointed in others. I used to assume everyone was right that my expectations are too high for anyone. Well ik now it's definitely not that. I met a perfect match for me, but I don't want to be close I fear intimacy because it's not worth the gain to lose.

I'm not afraid being single all of my life. I was and still am too traumatized by everything in my life that I am done feeling guilty when I have feelings. I cant enjoy a friendship nor romantic relationships that long because of my life traumas. I have been working on myself and I'm sick of some girls are entitled to tying down a man in some way. I hate women who lack transparency and take advantage that I'm honest.

I feel my trust had been so destroyed you can't enjoy anything, but I hate having to be passive about that feeling that uncomfortable feeling vulnerable to everyone I meet potentially. It's rare for me to show I am hard working and care, but I come off as exhausting sometimes. So my response is shut down every invitation to see their reaction. It's always the same like it should they don't have time to wait for me and so they move on and that's ok. I don't have a problem. I'm sick of being a guy. Seriously **** this like I wasn't cut out for it. I don't act the norm. My best friends see it as a strength, but dating it's a disaster. I'm able to empathize and be a true friend and loyal and really develop healthy boundaries for both parties and capable of not being here.

I think my issue is, my mom will die one day. After that, my life will be a very cold place and rather it's hard to cope to develop any feelings when life took everything you love away. That you have to be so superficial with someone almost all the time because they will get angry or frustrated that you aren't manning up you're own issues or feelings. To girls who do that and have done that to me, seriously"**** you and grow a heart".

Why I was trying recently in my last post is not related to this. I'd rather you see it and I don't want to talk about it. Yes I may have depression. It's gotten very bad, but I can survive no woman man or anyone should question it.

[healingme4me]

Why place yourself in the fray, if unwilling to have long standing relationships of any type? Past traumas doesn't discount a future. That's a choice that you're putting out there.
Maybe right now it's better to just focus on your ailing mother, then once she's passed and your grief subsides. Then you'll know better your life direction.