Bpd, NPD, or something else?

Hi everyone, I'm new here smiley I was looking for some insight on a relationship with my (now ex) boyfriend.

We split up around 4 months ago. I am doing ok, a lot better than I was. But I stumbled across BPD and have been reading bits about it. I can't help but wonder if my ex had this and I was wondering if anyone could give me their opinion.

We were together 18 months. When we first met, he came on quite strong. I was drawn to his confidence; something about him felt different to other men I'd dated in the past. He said the same about me, that there was something about me. I found him to be quite arrogant at the start, he kept telling me there's not many guys like him. That I should feel lucky. He would send huge long text messages about how "respectful" he is. He always reminded me how guys like him were a dying breed. I felt a bit put off because of this, and I backed off. I noticed he backed off too but as soon as I became closer again, as his arrogance subsided, he too opened up again. He would spend huge amounts of money on me within the first few months, constantly spoiling me. But this eventually stopped.

3 months in he started talking about us saving for a mortgage. I thought this was a bit too full on but I was really starting to fall for him at this point so I went with the flow and started looking forward to the future. He always told me he was usually fussy with girls and hasn't been out with that many, and that I should feel special because of this, but as time went on I found that he had been involved with a lot of women. He asked a lot of questions about my past, wanting to know every detail and would often hold this against me in arguments. Whenever I asked about his, he would never tell me. He would often become angry and frustrated over small things and his mood would change in an instant, and take a while to change back. He started to make comments about clothes I wore; he hated anything fitted that showed my shape and would say I was disrespectful if I wore certain things, because "men would look." He hated me going to the gym; I had to rush to hospital once after the gym because a family member was taken ill and my ex complained that I'd be walking around the hospital in gym wear which was disrespecting him. He didn't mention my family member.

He then also started accusing me of things. He always thought I was looking at other men. He was very distrustful of other people and would always remind me how others can't be trusted and, once again, there aren't many people as trustworthy as he is. He would start huge arguments about me looking at other men, and he always thought I was lying. I always felt like a bad girlfriend and he had a way of making me feel like I wasn't as good as him. He'd often say things like "I'm sure there's girls out there who have the same morals and respect as me" which made me feel awful, like I could never please him. My confidence was shattered and I felt like I was constantly trying and failing at pleasing him. We went on a vacation and spent most of the time in the room with me trying to convince him that I wasn't interested in other men. Again, this turned into 2 weeks of guilt tripping and making me feel not good enough. I spent the majority of the time in the hotel room upset. He got angry on a few occasions, smashing glasses etc. he was always really paranoid and I could tell he was extremely insecure but put on a front to convince others how great he was.

He would imagine scenarios in his head about how I behave when he wasn't around. He pictured something once and asked did I check out men at the gym. I said no. He started a huge argument over this and stormed out. It was my birthday. He didn't apologise for spoiling my day once. There were plenty of other stories but I guess you can get the gist. I honestly felt like I was going crazy and I didn't tell anyone. Late last year I noticed he began withdrawing. He stopped giving affection and talking to me like he used to. He said he was feeling different about me and no longer felt the same. I couldn't understand where this had came from. He said he was afraid this is likely to happen with every woman he has a relationship with, but at the same time he would blame me. I was so confused. He became so cold, his accusations became worse and in the end I walked away. We spoke a few months after the break up because I wanted closure, but he said he didn't understand why he felt different. Just that something had "broke" in him and he wanted a new brain. He said this whilst we were together too. He'd often cry if he felt frustrated over something, or about the way he looks.

I guess I'm looking for some insight here. I still feel confused about it all. I'm doing a lot better but my self esteem has taken such a huge hit. I think about him a lot even though I know the relationship was toxic. I hate feeling like I have been tossed aside so easily and forgotten about when I sacrificed so much for him. Can anyone give me their opinion on what this was? Was it BPD or was he just not into me enough to continue?

Thanks guys smiley

He could have any number of Personality disorders , mental illness or/and he could just be a lousy human being.

Im sorry he hurt you, Have you thought about seeing a Therapist to help you process all this and help rebuild your self esteem?

Welcome to PC

I agree with Christina. An abuser is not necessarily mentally ill.

Thanks. Yeah I had therapy for a while afterwards, it definitely helped. I just wonder why I care so much.. Like why the thought of him dating other people bothers me a little, even though I don't want him back. I'm also angry at myself for putting up with it but I guess I've learnt from it so that's a plus.

Sounds like a classic case of AAD: Abusive Asshole Disorder.

Hahaha Can't help but laugh. Too early in the morning didn't have coffee yet and glasses are off. I saw ADD and jumped up. How is this add??? lol lol

But AAD sounds like correct diagnosis

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Liz heal and move on. He isn't worth spending time analyzing him.

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Lol yes sounds about right! I'm doing a lot better in terms of healing. I just don't know why I'm still trying to figure things out.