[LovesShelly]

Hi, everyone.
This is a bit dark and sexual, so read with care.

I have been with my girlfriend for a little over a year now. Our relationship was amazing at the beginning (I guess the 'honeymoon' phase), but it's slowly falling apart. She almost completely refuses to communicate with me. I have to beg for her to tell me anything anymore. Then she has completely given up on sex. She says she's not interested, though she can still get aroused.

I don't know. I was talking to a close friend yesterday and she said that what my girlfriend does to me sounds like abuse. I'm not sure what to think or feel anymore.

I grow up with pretty abusive parents. My mom would hit me any chance she got and call me horrible things. She'd tell me constantly that she wished I was never born. She has even told me before that I will appreciate her hitting me one day because it made me a better person.
As I grew up, I had many bad relationships. Some romantic, some friendships.

Then I met my current girlfriend. We dated for just over a month when I found out she was cheating on me. We broke up and didn't talk for a few moths. Then she texted me one day to apologize. We started talking again and soon I starting taking her out on dates. We began officially dating about a month later.
Two months into us dating for the second time, she cheated on me again. It was only emotional thing (they never did anything physical), so I forgave her. We went a few months without one problem until about 8 months ago.
She began having nightmares and wouldn't talk to me about it. She refused to have sex (wouldn't tell me why), and she became very distant. She starting treating me like only a friend. Then a little over 6 months later (about a month ago) she practically forced me to have sex. She didn't seem at all interested in wether I wanted it or not. This continued for about a week. Very rough sex at least twice a day for a whole week. Then she said she didn't want sex one day. We haven't had sex since.

She has a bit of a traumatic past, so I try my hardest to work with her. I just feel like she's lying to me.
She told me when we first started dating (for the second time) that she was raped repeatedly by her father and older brother when she was younger (about 13 years old or so). She told me her parents would constantly beat her. That when she tried to report it, no one believed her for some time.
Recently she told me that she lied about being raped. That, as a child, she was terrified of her father and wanted him to be taken away so he couldn't hurt her anymore. I can, in a way, understand this.

I just don't understand though. If she wasn't raped then why won't she have sex? Why is she so against it? I have asked her and she told me she has no idea.

I don't know anymore. When we fight, she plays the victim. She says that she is depressed and suicidal. She acts like I'm a bad person for fighting with her when she's upset. You have to understand, though, she ALWAYS starts the fighting. I'm terrified of fighting because I'm afraid I'm going to get hit, so I never start a fight. I usually just stand there and take it. Then she starts talking about killing herself. About how she's not a good enough person to be with me. How I deserve better than her. Then she starts crying and says stuff like 'I'm too upset to deal with this' and 'I'm crying, are you happy now?'.
One time after we had a fight she said she was breaking up with me. I began crying and begged her not to. I was really upset and asked her if I could have a few days to myself for 'me time'. She said it was ok with her. The next day when I saw her again, she had cut herself (large, deep cuts going down her arm). When I asked her why she had done that, she said she thought she had lost me.

During our most recent fight, she started the same things. Playing the victim and saying she was too upset to deal with me. Then she said she was depressed and fussed at me for starting a fight when I knew she was suicidal (she never told me that before the fight). Then she started saying that she couldn't live without me. That she wouldn't have a reason to live. It all sounded like she was threatening to kill herself if I even thought of leaving her.

I'm not sure what to do! I love her, but this relationship doesn't seem healthy anymore. I'm actually scared. Scared that she's going to kill herself, scared that she's going to hurt me, scared of what could happen.

Please help,
~Shelly

[Arwen_78]

I think she needs to feel help, help that you can't give her. I'm not sure if she'll ever be able to have a health relationship with you or anyone but she needs to be the one who realizes she need to find help.

I'm sorry but the only thing I can relate to is the neediness that is deep rooted in this. I once had a friend who needed me in a way but at the end they ended up pushing me out of her life. The neediness end in them blaming me for their life problems in around about way. I still worry about that person but never want to speak or hear from them again.

[Bill3]

She is hurtful to you, but it sounds like she is suffering tremendously from being horribly mistreated in the past. Does she see a therapist?

[~Christina]

It sounds like she is in desperate need of help. If she is unwilling to get help and work on dealing with her past and abuse, then well there is nothing you can really do. You can't just stay with her because you fear she could harm herself, that's emotional blackmail.

Lots of people think Love can conquer all .. But that's just not really true. Sometimes love means taking care of yourself.

Are you seeing a Therapist? if not I think it would be smart for you to, You are going through terrible abuse from her. In sure you need to process this situation and find out what is going to be healthy for you.

I hope shes willing to reach out for help.

[iwonderaboutstuff]

Originally Posted by LovesShelly

I'm not sure what to do! I love her, but this relationship doesn't seem healthy anymore. I'm actually scared. Scared that she's going to kill herself, scared that she's going to hurt me, scared of what could happen.

Agreed, not a healthy relationship. You cannot take that kind of responsibility for someone else's emotional state.