[Jake370]

Hi, I just joined looking for any support. I've been married to my wife for 16 years. We're having issues. I take a lot of the responsibility for that as I was far from an ideal husband for a good part of that time. I put my hobbies and work issues before her. I feel horrible. I'm doing all I can to show her I've changed. I'm just really struggling with the fact that she started an emotional affair with a close friend. I understand why it happened. I wasn't ther and she went to someone who would be there. But we're supposed to be working on things and I feel she's still communicating with him. I have no hard evidence but she's very guarded of her phone. Takes it in the bathroom for 30+ minutes at a time. If I question her, she says she's not talking to him. If I push it she gets defensive and says she can't take this anymore. I still love her very much. I want this to work. When do my emotions and hurt become part of the equation?

[~Christina]

Are you doing any marriage counseling together or Therapy individually?

It takes time to heal from rifts like this in a relationship.

Welcome to PC

[Sesiley]

Therapy is good. Tell her how you feel...always. you seem to be doing the right things. I had the same thing happen to me except I'm the female.

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[Jake370]

I suggested couples tharepy but she wasn't receptive to that. I've considered individual tharepy. And I completely understand this will take time. I have no issue with that. It's gonna take me time. My concern is are we both working toward the goal of repairing our marriage(even if we don't reach that goal)? Or am I just an insurance policy for her till h
The other guys situation develops to the point she can leav me for him? He's divorcing his wife too. It's a bad situation I never thought I'd find myself in. But again, I'm partly in it because I fail as a husband for a long time. She was the one that developed the affair. But I gave her a reason to.

[CrewCut]

If she doesn't want to go to therapy, then you should go.

Try not to beat yourself up too much either. We are all human and make mistakes. Stay focused on the task at hand.

When I read that you say you gave her a reason to have the affair, I can't help but think that there are other ways she could have reacted to your inattention. She could have called you on it and demanded that you two work on your marriage. She could have left you. She could have demanded that the two of you go to couples counseling.

What is her reason for not wanting to go to couples counseling now? Is she anti-therapy in general?

It sounds like individual therapy for you is a good idea. It sounds like you're committed for now to staying in your marriage, and there's definitely some stuff going on to provoke your anxiety.

A therapist could give you an idea of how much it's reasonable to push your wife or if you should back off and just show her more attention and concentrate on having positive interactions with her.

She may still be in contact with the guy. It can be difficult to let go of that kind of connection. It's possible that she has stopped having an "emotional affair" with him but is now caught up in listening to his feelings and anxieties about ending the "affair" with her and with his feelings about his divorce. She may consider herself to be his "best friend" and find it hard not to "be there" for him.

If it were me, I'd give it, say a month without questioning her about disappearing with her phone. Be present when you're at home and maybe try to learn about the five love languages to know if you're expressing your love for her in a way that she likes and also if she's doing that for you. Look for an individual therapist if that's something that's possible for you.

The therapist will be able to give you advice. People here at PC probably will, too.

I started not to write this because I have never been married. I have had online relationships, though, although none since the 1990s. I found them to be very "addictive" for me. I sort of hate to use that word, but they can have an extremely strong emotional pull.

The gentle way for someone to ease themselves out of that kind of relationship is for the real world to become more interesting than the online one. After that happens, the person will feel like Alice in Wonderland and wonder how they didn't realize they had fallen down the rabbit hole into a fantasyland.

I wish you good luck with your situation. If you need a supportive place to discuss your situation, Psych Central can be very good for that. Just be careful with your passwords to preserve your privacy on this site.

[Jake370]

I really appreciate the comments above. I agree with, and have been trying to adopt a lot of what was said.

I haven't pushed the issue with her about her not wanting to go to therapy. I really don't wanna add anymore to the pile of what I'm already dealing with.

We are currently about a week into the month of trying to just exist with each other and not focus on our problems. It's been nice. I wouldn't say we're avoiding our issues as much as I'd say we're trying to take a vacation from them just to see if we can reconnect with each other. We'll. have to see how that goes. I'm trying to keep my anxiety in check. Today was a bad day. She made last minute plans to meet a friend and go shopping. My mind jumped to the conclusion that she's going to meet him. I don't have proof she is or has done that in the past, but I also don't have proof that she ISN'T doing that. I hate fighting with my own mind. I never had to deal with this before in my life. No one this close to me has ever broken my trust. It sucks!!!!! I just wanna be able to focus at work and be happy again.