[Yismymindblank12]

My mom was out with a friend, my dad was at work or at my aunt and uncles place. I was promised by my mom to pick me up from work so I can relax, I had a really horrible messed up day at work, but when I got home my mom acting like she can't do anything and was like o well. I was trying to not fall asleep on the street before they got home so I can go to bed. I really needed the bathroom and felt very sick from it.

I tried calling anyone, but no one seemed to care like usual when it comes to me. I don't exist I don't feel like a person. It's like I'm born to be ignored. I felt I was never loved and anyone says they do is a liar. I know my mom wasn't perfect, but her true self comes out as a selfish child and takes her anger out on me for suffering not having anything to help or anyone. I tried to her advice to get the maintenance man to let me in, but he couldn't be reached nor contacted me back.

I called my work 3 and a half hours later heading to 10:30 at night to be by a phone till she can get me. I called two people, and they were passive and were always pretending to care or they do it in a way that feels ******, but at least they answered.

Honestly I had no person to talk to. I was truly alone I knew last night and now I don't want to talk to anyone. I hate humankind. I hate them truly. I was shown the worst sides of people and not much the good. My mom yelled screamed and cried like a 2 year old and I felt helpless as she called me, "A ****er a ***** that I can't do this anymore. I hate being poor and I don't want to help no on." whatever context it meant. It didn't matter, she didn't care she only cared about her self and enjoying her own time. I was on my very last day now before working everyday till I finally have enough to move far away. I couldn't get my license, because my mom doesn't want me to drive her car that she has left. I went to the driving schools and required me to drive my parents vehicles for more hours, I felt defeated and feel no one seems to understand and care I don't have the means anymore.

That the weeks we only have just junkfood just to not barely starve or no food at all, but my mom can buy a new hair prenup and my dad can't get money to go to work.

I can't go to school as of now or ever because of this. I feel my life wasn't given any chance to prosper. I've often and still do consider suicide and not let anyone know because I don't want people to find my body or try to pay money to put me somewhere, because I feel I don't deserve that.

I wasn't given much love or affection just pity and anger. I feel every day as I cry typing this how at 21 I've felt I lived my whole life that I'm reflecting it's over now. Everyone who says they were my friend, "ignore me and forgotten me online everyday." I am feeling like I'm shunned.

All I want to do is die, I don't want everyone to die around me too as I grow older just staring at walls talking to myself hoping anything gets better from my stupid attempts trying to make something happen. This shallow place gives me little to no hope that anything has gotten better. I'll be working two jobs and I can't afford medical treatment just me, but my parents can. I can't see a dentist barely my therapist, and my parents could if they wanted to. They don't have the money to support me in the equation, but they forced me as another source of income to leech off of. I can't begin to tell you how my life wasn't fair or normal what I wanted to do things to progress in life like everyone I see on fb. I see people having a normal social group of friends or people they just see or a happy family or even a stability that I've never experienced.

People just get angry with me, because I'm not like them. I feel guilty for feeling this way, because it was a learned behavior to shut out what I really feel to keep everyone at bay because they don't like me when I feel anything like my parents or anyone.

Deep down I really want to die, I'm sick of suffering all my 21 years of hell. Feeling always abandoned. I just want to die so it can be over. Last night was clear how truly people can really be cruel. No medications or dr.s can fix this. I know I'm a goner, I believe at times from my many near death experiences, that I was supposed to be dead many many years ago and fade from everyone's memory, I always ask why I'm still here and when I wake up. I just want to cry because I wish I wasn't here feeling like a caged animal.

[CANDC]

I am sorry you feel so distraught. It is not fair the situation with your mother, but there are other options available. A safety plan is an important thing to have. See here
Psych Central - Search results for Safety plan

Getting a therapist or counselor can be a first step to getting on stable ground. Sleeping enough is important. When we do not have enough sleep or food, things look worse.

Diet can have an affect on how we feel. I have to watch what I eat because foods I eat can stabilize my moods or exaggerate them. A high protein low carb diet with snacks or meals every 3-4 hours will over time reduce my swings. I also avoid alcohol and recreational drugs because those can really increase depression.

Here is what I use when my head gets over crammed with thoughts. Breathe in a natural way. Silently count one on the inhale and 2 on the exhale. 3 on the inhale and 4 on the exhale. Continue up to 10 then go back to 1. This helps me focus on breathing rather than the wall of thoughts.

Other lifestyle changes that help me are doing yoga, exercises, mindfulness, calm music

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and being active on Psych Central.