[wondering7]

I need some advice....

My fiance (whom I am marrying in 7 days) treats me differently when we are up at his parents house. He does not give me the time of day. He won't look at me when i try to be involved in the conversation, he will answer my questions to his parents. His tone with me gets very negative, and he seems to get very annoyed with me when we are there. I don't feel the respect from him. I have tried to talk to him about it, and he doesn't see it. It really hurts that, a. he doesn't see it and b. he keeps doing it.

He just thinks since he doesn't see his family that often, which is either every other weekend when we do see them, he wants to pay more attention to them, which is completely understandable, but that does not men to shut me out completely. I need advise. help!!

[divine1966]

So sorry he is rude.

Every other weekend isn't that often? How often do grown people expect to see their parents????

Was he always that rude or is it a new development? It often surprise me how people are about to marry yet their future spouses treat them bad and it becomes an issue few days before the wedding. Was it ever an issue before?


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[Rose76]

This is a form of emotional abuse. I suggest you postpone that wedding. You are inviting him to think that you need this marriage way more than he does. That's a real bad way to start off.

It's not true that he doesn't "see it." He does, and he also sees that you put up with it. This has been a test - a little head game he's run to see how he can have more power in the relationship than you have.

This is passive-agressive manipulation. You're right. It is disrespectful. Don't bother trying to explain it anymore. Him acting puzzled, while you plead with him to not treat you this way, is part of the game he's running on you.

I'ld put that wedding on hold and say to him, "When you knock off that crap you pull with me at your parents' house, then I'll reschedule the wedding." You have more leverage now than you'll ever have again.

[Rose76]

I just thought of something else. Don't think his parents aren't aware, at some level, of what he's doing. They are probably complicit in having this dynamic going on.

If my advise above seems to extreme for you, here's another idea. Next time you are up at his folks place, take a stand the minute he starts this stuff. Go out and sit in the car, or say you have a headache and go lie down. When he comes out, or into the bedroom, to ask what's up with you, say: "I will not stay in a room with you and your parents, while you behave this way." It's okay for the folks to catch a clue that you object to this treatment. They can be a constructive presence and turn the attention toward you in conversation. If they aren't able to do that, then this is a little head game that all three are playing at your expense. Refuse to play it.

Above all: Don't act hurt. Hurting you is the whole point of the game. Don't give him, or them, the satisfaction. Act stern. Refuse to play the game. Refuse to be in that room where this is going on. Step outside . . . go for a walk . . . sit in his mom's kitchen and read a magazine, but refuse to be in a room where your presence is not honored.

[wondering7]

Originally Posted by divine1966

So sorry he is rude.

Every other weekend isn't that often? How often do grown people expect to see their parents????

Was he always that rude or is it a new development? It often surprise me how people are about to marry yet their future spouses treat them bad and it becomes an issue few days before the wedding. Was it ever an issue before?


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I thought seeing his parents once a month was pretty good, but not to him. I have noticed it has been more of a recent development. Maybe the last couple months... but that hard part its, he doesn't see it, nor will he TRY to see it. It has really been bothering me. I have brought it up in the past and he responds with, "I'm sorry i am not giving you 100% of my attention". which is just a snarky comment to begin with. I don't want 100% of his attention, I would just appreciate RESPECT!

[healingme4me]

Will you wind up living in the same neighborhood as your future inlaws? Is it a big family? Are there dibs as to who watches your future children, if planning kids?

I realize that this is about whether he pays attention any iota at his family get togethers. Are you expected to go socialize with his mom to help her? Are they helping you both financially on these visits?

[wondering7]

Originally Posted by Rose76

I just thought of something else. Don't think his parents aren't aware, at some level, of what he's doing. They are probably complicit in having this dynamic going on.

If my advise above seems to extreme for you, here's another idea. Next time you are up at his folks place, take a stand the minute he starts this stuff. Go out and sit in the car, or say you have a headache and go lie down. When he comes out, or into the bedroom, to ask what's up with you, say: "I will not stay in a room with you and your parents, while you behave this way." It's okay for the folks to catch a clue that you object to this treatment. They can be a constructive presence and turn the attention toward you in conversation. If they aren't able to do that, then this is a little head game that all three are playing at your expense. Refuse to play it.

Above all: Don't act hurt. Hurting you is the whole point of the game. Don't give him, or them, the satisfaction. Act stern. Refuse to play the game. Refuse to be in that room where this is going on. Step outside . . . go for a walk . . . sit in his mom's kitchen and read a magazine, but refuse to be in a room where your presence is not honored.

Thank you for both of your replies. I am scared because of how close it is to the wedding! It is NEXT SUNDAY! the first idea may be a little extreme, but it might send the right message. I do have a follow up question. Why does he want to play this game, and hurt me? Does he like having the control? He does seem to (the majority of the time) treat me with respect with it is convenient for him... not sure why this needs to happen? I understand no relationship is perfect, but my goodness, i would just like respect.

The other thing i thought of was, i have mentioned something to him when we leave about something that had bothered me. Not always about him, but it could have been something his mom said, his sister in law, his brother, so he told me, there is always something that pisses me off when we are around his family. Well, shouldn't i be able to say, "hey, i thought it was kind of mean for your brother to say something so offensive to me, it really made me fee uncomfortable." So, now he thinks that every time we visit, i will have a "problem". I can understand, putting myself in his shoes that, yes, that would be extremely frustrating, but he takes me saying the above as super mad/upset/crabby, always looking at the glass half empty - which is not me at all. If i am going to marry him, shouldn't i be able to talk to him or tell him ANYTHING?

[wondering7]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Will you wind up living in the same neighborhood as your future inlaws? Is it a big family? Are there dibs as to who watches your future children, if planning kids?

I realize that this is about whether he pays attention any iota at his family get togethers. Are you expected to go socialize with his mom to help her? Are they helping you both financially on these visits?

His family is actually very small. he has two other brothers, and the oldest lives 1/2 mile away from mom and dad and the youngest lives about 5 minutes, maybe 4 minutes away from mom and dad. I was very honest with him and i told him i was not going to live where he grew up, and being so close to his parents, which in turn, he said the exact same thing to me. We live in between our parents, and it has worked well for the most part. His family is just over an hour away and mine is just under an hour...

both our parents are hinting (quite a bit) about grandchildren. I would like to wait a few years as i am not ready to be a parent yet. I know i will be someday, that day has just not come. As of right now, no dibs on watching them, but i am sure when the situation becomes more real, that might turn into a problem. He once told me, when i have the summers off, i would like to take our kid or kids up to my parents farm, and they can play and learn about farms. I said, that would be great, but can you wait for a weekend so i can come too?
He was frustrated because he thought i was trying to take our hypothetical children away from their grandparents, but i don't think it is necessarily right for him to just take my child away from me for a week, whenever works out for him and our child so he can again, go visit mom and dad.. I did give him an out, i said, if you need to live where you grew up, and you want to be in that place, then i am not the girl for you. He said he doesn't need to be there, but i think he may have been trying to spare my feelings, at least at that point in time.

We normally sit in the kitchen and i am not necessarily "expected" to help, but i always offer. Sometimes she will let me help, other times, she just likes us to relax and chat. no help financially with travel, but for our wedding, yes. They help where they can, which is so appreciated! But, it is not always just his family. His family has a very close relationship with another family in town. That family has 4 boys. One of those boys being the same age as my fiance, and they are best friends. My fiance will follow him around like a puppy. I think it is almost worst when his friend is around because it can be worse then when it is just his family...last year at christmas, his best friend was talking on the other side of the table, catching up with everyone and look down at the end of the table where my fiance was sitting and he literally didn't talk to anyone, but just stared at his best friend and listened to his conversation until he made it back to where my fiance was sitting. I thought and asked if he needed to try to be with him, but they just say they have tried it and it didnt work out, kidding of course! I get it, they are best friends, but i wish i was treated the same way, no matter who we are with or where... i don't understand why that is so hard?

[healingme4me]

A marriage certificate and wedding band are not going to bring about change nor clarity.
Sharing hopes and dreams is a large part of the discovery process of a relationship. A week without you to share the farm experience very well goes against the grain of normalcy of talking about things to do together as a family. Indicates might work against you in parenting, which is an important fact.
As far as the connection with his childhood friend, that's a tough one. Valuing others over you, to a certain extent, displays a certain distance and fear of bonding.

How did your engagement and proposal play out? Were you swept off your feet? Was he fully attentive to you, in the beginning?

[divine1966]

I dare to suggest that he is as apprehensive about this marriage as you are. He has his doubts and either consciously or subconsciously jeopardizes it, bottom line I wouldn't marry him. You don't seem to be in tune with each other. Your interactions aren't of a happy couple about to be married. I'd call off the wedding

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[Rose76]

Originally Posted by wondering7

Thank you for both of your replies. I am scared because of how close it is to the wedding! It is NEXT SUNDAY! the first idea may be a little extreme, but it might send the right message. I do have a follow up question. Why does he want to play this game, and hurt me? Does he like having the control? He does seem to (the majority of the time) treat me with respect with it is convenient for him... not sure why this needs to happen? I understand no relationship is perfect, but my goodness, i would just like respect.

The other thing i thought of was, i have mentioned something to him when we leave about something that had bothered me. Not always about him, but it could have been something his mom said, his sister in law, his brother, so he told me, there is always something that pisses me off when we are around his family. Well, shouldn't i be able to say, "hey, i thought it was kind of mean for your brother to say something so offensive to me, it really made me fee uncomfortable." So, now he thinks that every time we visit, i will have a "problem". I can understand, putting myself in his shoes that, yes, that would be extremely frustrating, but he takes me saying the above as super mad/upset/crabby, always looking at the glass half empty - which is not me at all. If i am going to marry him, shouldn't i be able to talk to him or tell him ANYTHING?

Where is that written? The answer is: "No." Forget the "shoulds." They have nothing to do with reality. Yes, there are some women who have husbands they can talk to about anything. I haven't met too many, but there are a few. Each of us has different reasons for why we are with the partner we have chosen. It doesn't sound like your guy is the easiest, mosr sensitive man in the world to talk to. (Neither is my guy.) Getting married isn't going to change that. This is a guy with whom you'll have to pick your battles. I think most guys are like that. If you want someone you can really talk and share with, cultivate a good female friend.

You see why I added that second post about the family influence? Our families of origin are where we learn how to be who we are. So I'm not surprised to hear you say that the in-laws are apt to be less than charming in the stuff they come out with. That's too bad, and I feel for you as I am very sensitive, myself, and I suspect you are. First, let's prioritize. Your husband is really not in control of his family, and his treatment of you is far more the important issue. So tackle one thing at a time. Consolidate your gain. Then address a new issue. It sounds like your husband comes from a home where the family culture is to be disrespectful, if it will be tolerated. You sound like a person who bends over backwards to be understanding and l tolerant, even though you feel slights keenly. To him and to his family, this makes you seem weak and vulnerable. So they dis you on a regular basis. Time and experience will toughen you up. For now, concentrate on your fiance's behavior and say nothing about the rude remarks from the rest of them. One issue at a time. You have to give your husband-to-be something limited and specific to focus on. Otherwise, he'll just say, "Oh, everything seems to bother you." Keep the focus narrow. This is a lot like training kids, only harder because you are re-training. Talking to your husband, after the fact, is getting you nowhere, so try another tack.

You've got to turn your discomfort into discomfort for him. That's why I say address it when it happens and put a little problem in his lap that, then, he has to solve. So put that magazine in your handbag, and be ready to fine a corner to sit in and remove yourself from where this disrespect is happening. (I understand that you're not likely to postpone the wedding over this.) Some would say that I'm advising you to be sulky, and isn't that childish. Well . . . it's a matter of what works. You've tried the adult approach, and it got you absolutely nowhere. Nor will it. Your soon to be husband has let you know that he doesn't much care what you think on these matters, so you've got to up the ante. A little sulking can be very powerful. Doesn't your husband employ that tactic himself. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. I'm afraid that some people will change some behaviors only when there is an unpleasant prise to pay. Saying it shouldn't be that way is utterly self-defeating. People are as they are. Your guy has been conditioned in the home he grew up in to respect people only if they push back. Making a verbal protest is not pushing back. That's just pleading, which is seen as weakness.

Only after you motivate some change in your husband's behavior, should you put a serious focus on the disrespect you get from the in-laws. Actually, you can start that sooner, but don't expect any sympathy from your husband on that for now. You are too nice for these people. Practice in your head making sharp little retorts back at them. Like, say: "I really don't appreciate that remark, thank you very much." But don't act hurt. Act stuck up when you say, "Well, I don't think that remark was necessary, but some people just don't know any better." Then when they act hurt toward you, say, "Oh I'm sorry. I don't mean to be over-sensitive." Mainly, just don't take these people seriously. Keep the retorts short and sharp. Then be perfectly willing to change the subject and talk away about something unrelated. Or respond to being ignored by saying, "Well, if I may interject something, not that anyone wants to hear from me." You'll put them on the defensive. It has to become a game you play . . . where you don't mind being a little outrageous. These people are not subtle and are probably kind of coarse and primitive. It's like dealing with rude children. We don't reject children; we reject the behavior. It can work, if you're firm and confident about it.