[mako44]

Ok, this may be a bit long, so apologies in advance. I am currently 29. Back when I was 14-15, I met and started dating a girl via a mutual friend of ours. Everything was fine and swell for a few months. Her dad then abruptly passed away, and then everything kinda went south from there. She started distancing herself little by little until one day, out of the blue, her friend came up to me and said (i'm paraphrasing here) "she met someone else, she said you were too nice". Granted we were both 15, but it hurt like all hell.I didn't cry or anything, it just hurt like all hell. Eventually I "got over it", and time went on. Flash forward about 3 years later: I got a job and was traveling a lot. While back at home on vacation, we ended up bumping into each other and reconnecting. We chatted for a few days and I had to leave again, but we decided we'd keep talking (friendly obviously). We kept in touch via email, catching up every few days or so. Several months after reconnecting I decided I wanted some closure and asked her what had happened all those years ago, and why i had to be dumped via a third party. She said she was going through a lot, with her dad passing and whatnot; she was young and stupid, and she was sorry for hurting me like that. I felt satisfied with the closure and accepted her apology, and moved on with our friendship (at this point we had already decided to stay friends). We kept in touch off and on for the last 10-11 years, speaking once or twice a month. She eventually got married, settled down and moved out of state several years ago and so did I. We still talk here and there (yes, my wife is aware we do..i've nothing to hide.), discuss family matters, life, work, etc., all in a friendly manner, not unlike what is discussed with friends/coworkers. Here is where the problem starts: I was recently in her town on a mini vacation (i have family living there so i stayed with them). We had not seen each other in over 8 years, so we decided we'd meet up for a quick lunch, nothing major. While i was waiting for her outside the restaurant, I sat down and had a cigarette, and all of a sudden I started breathing faster, getting more jittery, and couldn't think clearly. I saw her walk up and It got worse (panic attack I assume). She picked up right away and asked me if I was alright, to which i told her I needed a minute to get myself pulled together. I did eventually, and lunch went fine. I walked her to her car, we hugged, said our byes and went our seperate ways. The whole time going home I felt like I was in some kind of "zone", literally "zoned out", not thinking of one thing in particular. My mind was blank. I wasn't mad, angry, sad, happy, I was "just there" is the best way i can describe it. She asked me to let her know that i got home safely which I did, and that was that. That was about 3 weeks ago. I spent a full week in that "zone" i just described. To clarify things, I was not expecting anything to happen between us since we reconnected all those years ago, nor has there ever been a desire. Just platonic. I don't think of her in any romantic/sexual way (there was never any intimacy in that way), just as a friend. That much is certain. But there is a part of me that, for the last 3 weeks, has felt just like I did all those years ago when she broke up with me. I have no idea how that happened. I have no idea why that is happening. I don't "want her back", there is no romantic interest there, and I would never do that to my wife, and she wont do that to her husband. But to be honest the last 3 weeks have kinda sucked for me. Don't get me wrong, I function normally on a daily basis, I work, i go out with my wife, i make meals, i pay bills, i have fun, i laugh, I function...just here and there for a few minutes i get the same feeling i had all those years ago after the break up. The only conclusion I have been able to come to is that there is some part inside of me that never got over that original hurt from all those years ago. We've been good friends for all this time, and she has actually helped me through some hard points in life (I have been dealing with chronic pain for many years do to a back injury. Some days every month are horrendously hard pain-wise, and i find talking through it with someone is better therapy than pain meds or having a drink). We have not spoken for the last 2 weeks or so, as she has some issues at home that she said she needed some time off to work with. So basically my issue is, I have no idea what my issue is. I have no idea why i feel the way I do. Does a part of me still miss her, is it the history we have together and the friendship that developed over time, am i overthinking it? Has anyone ever experienced something similar? Any advice/thought is greatly appreciated, even better if someone has gone through something similar. (sorry for the long post..it could almost be a novel!)

[kaliope]

well normally i can find a way to spin everything, even if i am off base, lol, but this one has me stumped................

the obvious, as you stated, is the unresolved issues of being dumped by her the way you were and anxiety over seeing her again, but that just doesnt add up as you have explained as you got your closure from her and you dont have feelings for her etc, etc, etc.

the only thing that pops into my head is that the closure isnt there as you may not have forgiven, deep deep down, you still have the hurt and havent processed the feelings over that initial relationship. on the surface, yeah. logically yeah. but buried deep deep down, it hurt you more than you are willing to admit and that is what that anxiety is trying to tell you.

[healingme4me]

I'm stumped, as well. But for starters, definitely sounds like a panic attack. Probably touched an old, old wound. Not wanting to subconsciously relive that, your body took over, so to speak?