[Only_Human1983]

Hi,

I have found myself obsessing over my ex and it’s making me severely depressed. We’ve always had an on and off relationship (for 4 years now) and we last split up in September last year. This is the longest we’ve been apart, but every month or so I will hear from him and we kind of got back together in March, but because of the damage he’s caused he said that he’s scared of my parents and that they hate him for what he’s done (they don’t, but they aren’t best pleased with him). Plus he said that until he has a stable foundation (house of his own, license back, steady job etc.) then he doesn’t feel that he can be with me as he has nothing to offer.

It’s been just over 4 weeks since I heard from him last and I’m really worried that he’s moved on for good and that I’ll never hear from him again. Last time we spoke (around end of July) he text me out of the blue confessing his undying love and saying I was the only one he wanted to settle down with etc. and that he wanted us to meet up. I couldn’t make the date that he suggested and then he didn’t attempt to make another date. He then went to Florida on holiday (he has a place out there) and I stupidly looked on his Facebook profile and saw him with another girl and people had put comments stating what a cute couple they look. I don’t know if she is his girlfriend and she lives in Florida and he in the UK, so I don’t see how that can work, but it really hurt me.

I guess I always thought that he would want me and that we would one day make it work. It was so nice to feel wanted, but now I feel that he’s found someone better and forgotten all about me. I feel like he was my last chance and I’m so scared of ending up alone. I’m not ugly, slim, early thirties, but I am just convinced that I will never find love. I have spoken to my Mum about my feelings many times and I really feel that things are never going to get better and I just want to end everything. Killing myself does scare me, but I really feel that it’s the only way to end all of this. My life was so good at one point, but I don’t see it getting back to that.

[divine1966]

When I read it at first I thought you might be in advanced age so you think you'd never find love. Early 30s? So young

On and off relationship is never a good idea. He is bad news. Most certainly you will find love! You might need to explore why you are ok with such arrangement like on and off etc are you in therapy? You might want to explore that.

And please please talk to someone about wanting to kill yourself. Over this douche....? Please see someone about your feelings.

A year passed since last September so let's try to move on. I am almost 50 and I didn't give up on my life. You sure shouldn't!!!!

We are here for you and want to help. Girl you have a good life ahead of you! Sending hugs

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[Only_Human1983]

Thank you Divine1966. I am currently looking at therapy. I have tried it before, but it wasn't successful. However, people tell me it maybe that I just haven't found the right therapist. So I will give it one last chance.

I wouldn't kill myself over him, but I just don't see things working out for me and finding love


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[Trippin2.0]

Are you pining over the same man you called a narcissist?


The same guy who said you'd make a terrible mother because you have OCD?


Yikes


Your mind is catastrophesizing with this whole "I'll end up alone" nonsense.


Lucky for you its quite a common affliction, you need to learn how to stay present and talk yourself down with regular reality checks.


Only way you'll end up alone is if you keep pining away for this jerk, because you'll be too distracted to notice potentially good men knocking at your door.

[Only_Human1983]

Trippin2.0 thank you for your reply and yes I'm ashamed to say that it is the same bloke. I wish I could turn my feelings off and I know he's treated me badly in the past, but I just can't. I guess he's the most solid relationship I've had since my ex of 7 years when I was 17-24. And I loved feeling wanted and kissed, cuddled all the little things. I don't know for a fact he's a narcissist, but from the research I've done I'm pretty sure. I feel like even he has given up on me now and that hurts so much

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oh I know the anguish only too well. I recently parted ways with my boyfriend. He has sent mixed signals since that have given me the reason to hope (altho repair work is in order) but suddenly has become curt and cold. I just don't understand it and wonder if he even realizes he is playing with my emotions

[Only_Human1983]

Mixed signals is exactly what it is and I think they do know exactly what they are doing. I don't think he wants to hurt me, but he can't be committed to anyone or anything. Despite all this, I still miss him terribly and I just hate to think he's moved on and forgotten all about me. It feels like I never existed. I find myself praying that I'll hear from him again, just to feel wanted and have the satisfaction, but I don't think I will

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sigh, me too

[divine1966]

I left my ex last year and a year later he still wouldn't get over me, his drinking and depression are over the top now. He is still in love with me and for awhile kept begging me to come back etc who knows. He now has to accept I am gone because I had to tell him I am with someone else now. It's true. I had to tell him so he stops hoping. I feel horrible for him but I moved on. He needs too.

Give it time ladies, heal and move on. It is painful. But it can be done. My previous t said its normal to grieve a year or so but if it goes beyond that it becomes a problem.

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[Only_Human1983]

It's been a year for me since we split up, but because we've been talking anc seeing each other since then, I guess that's why I've never healed or moved on. I just always hope. However, I think it's just because I miss having someone and he's the last thing to represent that. It's easy to want to hear from an old partner or reach out the them, it's like an old pair of slippers I guess, it's comfy. But to find someone new is harder and a lot more unsettling

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[divine1966]

If things aren't working it's better to be alone for awhile. I and my ex also talked to each other through the year that actually made it harder on him because it's like I was sending him mixed signals. Now we don't really talk but we can in emergency. I am friends with his adult kids. We weren't on and off though and were almost 9 years together as we lived together. At least you don't have to deal with moving ordeal. I was very unhappy towards the end of relationship so it was a huge relieve for me to end it. I do care for him and always will

I believe you need to stop talking. And not hope. It doesn't sound as you are happy together. What's the reason for the break up? Who initiated it?



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[Only_Human1983]

Thank you for your response Divine1966 and yeah I guess it's made it harder on me because we've always spoken and he's always been there. He might have disappeared for a month or so and ivd left it because I need to let go, but he's always come back. I'm annoyed at him because several times I have almost successfully moved on and got myself into a better place and he's popped up out of the blue. He did livd with me for a brief spell, but nothing significant. Well we have stopped talking, I'm not one to pester or make myself look pathetic by bombarding ex's with messages pleading for them to come back, I always felt that makes you look needy and so unattractive! Lol

The thing is we were happy when we were together and we had so much fun, but he had a tough life when he was younger (his mum died when he was 12 and his dad left when he was 6) and it's made him scared of commitment and he's always said to me that he's scared of ending up like his Dad. His parents were both alcoholics and he has a slight problem himself, but nothing major. So many of his friends have said to me that he's done this with his other exes and never committed, but i just always thought I'd be the one to change him I guess, stupid I know. He always said to me that there has been exes anc then there's me and that I was and always will be special to him and that he'll never finish with me, but whether that's what he's told all the others, I don't know... I guess I just always hoped that one day he'd realise that he cannot keep running and that he doesn't want to bd alone anymore and that we can work on his issues (and mine!) but seeing him with that other girl (whether she is just a phase or what) cut me like a knife. I got with someone after we first broke up., as I thought he was serious and wouldn't come back and when he found out he said a bit of him died and that's how I feel today, but I can't tell him

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[Artchic528]

I felt the same way with my first ex after we broke up. I guess I was unhappy and thought that I would never be in another relationship again. It was easier to still pine over him than undertake the daunting task of getting out there in the dating world.

Maybe you should take this time to learn how to love yourself. I guess self confidence plays a huge part in how we go about thinking of loving others or being loved. You can't hope to love someone else if you don't first love yourself.

I hope you find peace and the strength to move on from this and him. You'll be much happier once you do.

[divine1966]

Trust me in healthy relationships people do not disappear for a month and then pop up. They don't.

You can keep in touch and remain friends or what not but people in healthy relationships do not have on
And off arrangements. For years? Heck no. You sit around and wait for him to come back? You got to love yourself more

It's no matter what childhood people had. It's no excuse. My son in law was neglected and abused and taken away by child protective services etc I won't go into details. He is a loving husband. What kind of excuse is this? And why do you really care what childhood he had, he is gone and I sure hope you never take him back!!!

He has other women while he is off and then comes back and you take him? I sure hope you don't have unprotected sex!

Please see a therapist. Trust me do not ever go with this dude again. Please find strength. Do you work? Have hobbies? Please take care of yourself

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[Only_Human1983]

You are right Divine1966 and I know deep down in my heart that he will never change, but I'm just scared of what the other option is. I'm not sure if he's been with other women, but I do think he's slept with this girl whilst he was awah in Florida. However, he is single and we've been apart for a year, so I guess he's entitled to do what he wants. I haven't slept with him since March, so a long time ago.

I am seeing a therapist on Thursday and I've made a doctors appointment to discuss my medication. I do work, in fact I have two jobs, an evening one for a couple of hours as well as an office job full time. I used to love cooking and baking, but these days my depression has just made me numb abc I can't focus.

Thank you so much to everyone for being there. It means so much to read these comments and take comfort from it

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Hi, that's good you re seeing your therapist on Tuesday. I think this guy is bad news for you and going no contact is something you need to move on. Ignore Facebook, any communications, etc.

[divine1966]

I am so glad you seeing your therapist and perhaps you need new or adjusted Meds. Great! 🏻

The other Option? The other option is pretty awesome. Heck anything is better than this. Get yourself on track and you'll meet right people. Enjoy your work and hobbies in
The meanwhile!

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[Only_Human1983]

Yeah hopefully my therapist can help. I haven't found them all that helpful in the past, but I had a bad experience with my first and the second one I just don't think I saw for long enough. Only went to two sessions.

I guess so, I'm just so scared that I'll never meet anyone else and feel special . Depression has just made me lose all hope and interest in things

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[divine1966]

I can't imagine why would you not meet anyone? People date in their 70s and you already think you are doomed? In 30s?

Frankly it's much better to be alone than in on and off nonsense


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