[Yismymindblank12]

I get very rude and mean on these posts here and messages to other people, because I do need mental health support for my issues.

Specifically the teenager who brutally beaten me repeatedly and raped me and kept me in his house and torturing me mentally because he had an insecurity complex about his actions to be revealed by his parents, but I believe they were just as bad I've seen how his dad reacts with force before to me and him.

I was 4 and he was 12 almost 13. At the time, I can say what he did to me I couldn't do anything about it. I always feel it's my fault, when people tell me now a days I messed up something so stupid and small it like hits me there always like. For my suffering it's my fault, especially that.

I get mean when I finally feel rage that I don't get what I need and want the nurturing I needed. No therapy nor help from anyone ever before then and now. It's why I act that way, I am aware this damages any possibility of having any stable relationship with anyone. I can't trust people, it was a learned behavior it can't be undone by me alone. I need proof that I need to let it go. That's what people don't get. That I will be insensitive to others without meaning to harm, even when I do I feel bad, but it's a mix of me feeling bad for my actions and feeling like I am a bad person, because I am suffering and for me not receiving the help I needed. I take it out on others in that way.

I put someone else down if my emotions come into play or if someone challenges me telling me how I should feel or live my life on here or in real life. The fact that I'm not alone in this I'm aware of, that all the time. My mom treats me like I shouldn't have feelings always trying to put me in my place trying to make me submissive, but she wasn't a victim of what I had endured for 3 years then altogether more hell all the way till I was 17. She has no clue no one I know does. That I do starve myself, just to see if people would love me and think I'm good enough.

I don't want to be a man I don't want to be tough, it makes people don't care about what I do or say. They are all insensitive I don't want kids, because I'd be a ****** dad. I don't want a marriage, because I can't stand hurting people because of my suffering. I am not generous..I hate who I am, and it takes a lot of effort of help I'm always unable to receive.

I know no drug or therapy I currently have will change the outcome to make it easier for me to make the choices to conquer this. I have battled this all my life, and people should realize I needed what I was asking for all along it could of been much easier if I had a better support system, as an example, try to at least be my friend. Ik you're busy, but acknowledge I exist or even feel I matter in your life.

Also, if you were my friend, don't compare me to others ever. Even if you mean well. I'm probably aware of it before you mention it and please if you do think I'm not aware and I'm not I don't mind if you speak out but be truthful but don't go too far with it and taking things out on me.

Also don't belittle me because of some quirk I have. Don't assume I can't do something, because I choose not to show you how I am.

Don't tell me how to feel and how I am not doing something right, because I only did my best.

My dating life is non existent or dead in the water or dying when I first meet a person who likes me, because they don't understand can't connect poor at supporting me as a friend, likes to jump to conclusions, impulsive usually selfish these kinds of girls are like everywhere same with guys, but people are like that everywhere to some degree. I just like the ones who don't look at me I'm a monster and have patience.

I hate people who think I'm stupid, because I didn't know one small thing. It's a huge pet peeve and turn off and it will make me instantly despise you and ignore you.

I hate arrogance, I like playful arrogance, but not that serious crazy people arrogance. It makes me feel very uncomfortable.

I don't like explaining myself, for my actions, but love explaining messed up **** a lot or things I'm knowledgable on. All kinds of topics the fact is, yes I don't know when to stop on my boundaries. I can't figure it out, because I talk to myself all the time now or that I really haven't developed that skill well and it's a bit skewed.

The fact. I can't trust you doesn't mean I won't ever, it takes me forever. If you have patience I'll come to you and approach and lend my trust over time not just expect me to hand a bit here or there like every so often. It's not my fault it's like that.

I'm sick of people assuming the worst. I only know what I know about me, **** happens and things got more messed up for me and scarred me for life and damaged everything I have still does. You think I like emotional suffering, not really ever, except when it comes to myself. I like hurting myself to hurt myself, because of that abuse mentality. It's deadly when I become reserved and submissive by choosing in relationships I get bi polar turn from being myself happy and confident to over time shy and alienate the other person who I'm dating like they are not my gf like they seem threatening to me. It happens naturally all the time with everyone. I hate it, it makes everything so hard to judge and decide how to trust anyone ever.

My reality jumps and warps to extremes and I may need meds for this, but it's me having ptsd from everything. It's me reliving my past in my relationships it can happen to all my relationships at any time.

Small things very small stupid things trigger it. I get paranoid and afraid they will try to make people kill me. Not kidding it's really hard to understand at times why now.

I starve myself, wishing I was pretty, handsome, approachable. Feeling shallow in my decisions to like someone is somewhat normal, but definitely not the part I choose at very peculiar times to pick beauty of supeficial stuff over inner beauty for stupid reasons. It doesn't happen much anymore thankfully, but I see myself being nurtured by someone good looking. It helps me feel safer. I don't understand it sometimes.

That I act out in some ways to others, because I'm afraid of dying alone like my grandma when I saw her abused when she had alzheimers and how she died horribly and experience it myself but have no one there.

It's that alone I fear dating or even having anyone significant, because I don't want them to feel hurt that I'm hurting that they don't deserve to go through what I do go through and dealt with all my life. Feeling that, I want to one day kill myself to escape dying like how she did, feeling hopeless and not loved like I did as a kid that loneliness except old. It's motivated me to do that since a very young age at 8 years old to especially at 12 when I saw her die. She looked like a starved skeleton completely unrecognizable to what I used to know her. Her face looked bruised and couldn't talk breathe, but could see us. It was not easy experiencing that.

At this point. I wanted to share this, because I really still can't do anything nothing will change because of things I do. I can only cope what I can't control and make changes on the things I can. So give me a break to anyone who doesn't get it.

[divine1966]

You are clearly struggling and I do wish you find mental health help and support in
Your area

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