Making Friends as an Adult?

So I'm just plain bad with people. I've had social anxiety since I was a teen and it's gotten more severe with age. I'm no good at small talk and all that. I'm also depressed with low self-esteem and no confidence, and serious trust issues. I'm currently isolated with no friends to speak of. But I can't stay this way; it isn't healthy. And loneliness is starting to drive me crazy.

So if I were to set a goal to make a friend... how do I even go about it? Everything seems so different and difficult for adults -- I had enough trouble making friends as a kid! I don't even know where to begin. I'm unemployed so I can't meet anyone in a work setting. I'm atheist so I don't attend church either. And meeting people online still seems iffy at best, dangerous at worst. I live in a pretty unfortunate area where the majority of people belong to the religion that I left... So that makes it even harder.

I feel hopeless and stuck, you know? I want a friend but it seems impossible to find one. Anyone else with similar experience? Advice? TIA.

Have you got a hobby that involves groups of people? Like hiking? Do you have at something called MeetUps in the USA? Or BorrowMyDoggy? They're safe, neutral ways to meet people. Or is there a cause you're interested in that you could volunteer for, like a homeless shelter? Or a skill you'd like to learn in evening class, like baking, where you could share an interest? Or amateur dramatics? Not everything costs money. I'm like you, but then I discovered that doing an activity is the best way to make friends because you have something in common and it gets you active too. Good luck, and make sure you enjoy the journey of finding the things you like to try, don't stress about it, have fun trying stuff.

I don't really have any advice, but I'm a lot like you. I have a horrible time making conversation and also suffer from depression, low self esteem and lack of confidence. I'm torn between wanting to be alone and craving friendships.

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It is hard enough for an older, single,male without issues to make friends. Add in low self esteem, low confidence, high sensitivity and it is doubly hard. You're right, making friends is so much easier when you are young. Also making friends is a lot about situation. At work you are with people all day. If you are a mum with school age kids you make friends with other mums. Anywhere where you are with a mix of people a lot of the time it's easier. Even prison haha. Not that i'm advocating that.
I do a lot of things by myself. It would be nice to have company but then being on my own means I can do exactly what I want , when I want and how I want. So there are pros and cons. And I always find people to talk to. You may just have to force yourself to talk to people. Small talk, like a lot of things, oils the wheels of society. Practise in the supermarket but you need to develop a thick skin. prepare to be totally ignored.
It can be quite scary out there and there are a lot off assholes around. I used to belong to a camera club until one guy decided to make fun of my height ( i'm 5'2""). Then one or two others started to the point where it just got too uncomfortable to stay. Their loss as much as mine as I have a pretty good personality and added (I like to think) quite a bit to the club. That is how you must think. You are probably a great guy too.

Lastly, making friends is a two way thing and takes effort. Quite often on here someone says. 'Oh i'm so lonely, I want to make friends with someone'. So I offer. Do they respond. no. Or I hear from someone I haven't heard from in a while. They say ' How are you? I miss talking to you.' So I send a few paragraphs asking what they've been doing , what I've been doing etc etc. Do I hear back from them . No.
Look at meetup.com. Look up local clubs and societies. Look at doing voluntary work. It ain't easy but what's the alternative.

Do you like any RPGs or things like MTG, Yu-Gi-Oh!, Force of Will etc... If so you can go to sites like locator.wizards.com or pathfinder-roleplaying-game.meetup.com to find groups/events near you. My husband is a TO for Friday night Magic at a local store. I see people come in all the time looking very nervous and on edge and we do our best to make them feel at ease. The people that come in to play Pathfinder are very nice and never turn anyone away.

If things like that aren't your cup of tea maybe you could try a bowling league or volunteer at a shelter or nursing home.

I find it hard to make friends too. I'm 46 now and haven't had many real friends for a very long time. The only few friends I have now are distant ones, and only 1 of those is someone I really think of as a proper friend as she's the only one who'll even speak to me on the phone, or who will write without me having to first. She's very distant though and I've met her twice in about 4 years. So I never see anyone and despite trying so hard I never get anywhere meeting new people. It drives me nuts when I tell people this stuff and they tell me to go to pubs, clubs, get a dog, etc, etc, etc.. These things aren't easy for someone with social anxiety, but only others with the same anxiety and confidence problems understand that.

What I'm trying to say is that I understand how you feel and know what it's like. I'd give anything to have a local friend, or even a relationship, so I could meet someone real and actually sit down and chat. That simple everyday stuff that's normal to most people is impossible for me.

All I can say is that I am exactly like you. Sorry I don't have advice, just a hug.

I think all the lonely, friendless people in the world should throw a party. Don't have any friends? Neither do I, so let's be friendless together!

Sigh. Well, I'll think of something. I DO actually play MTG, albeit casually -- maybe I should start attending Friday Night Magic in my area, despite the fact that playing with strangers always makes me nervous so I tend to lose a lot more.

Meetups was also a good suggestion. I just hope I don't meet a serial killer or something over the Internet. Am I just too paranoid?

I was moved here by family to be close to them on account of my illness. With that I was completely cut off from my social circle. I had no way to meet anyone and was certainly not going to go to a pub by myself.

Instead however I turned to my mental health community.

My support group offers a weekly opportunity to get out and socialize. I often go for coffee after the meeting and have developed a social relationship with a few other participants. I have begun to attend a drop in group; that too offers a social setting. And then I signed up for a pottery class where I've met some good people there too.

So now I DO have aquaintances. The problem is letting go of my fears and trust issues and cultivating some of them into close friendships. But I have a start.

Add me to the party list.

Since leaving Australia for the US, in 2009, I've not made any friends here and the ones I do have back in Oz don't take the time to contact me... well so much for them being friends.

Anyway, now with the passing of my Wife back in March of this year, it's really hitting home, how life alone can be tough. It's just not the social isolation, but having to do everything yourself, which can really take up your day.

I've tried the MeetUp thing and god forbid I try on-line self-esteem destroying sites (aka, Dating sites, POF and OkCupid being the worst offenders). However nothing ever came of those, well nothing lasting anyway. Maybe I'd get a few meetings but after that the groups would fizzle into nothing and I'm back where I started.

Now it's all about work, career and my computer gaming/programming/hardware building hobby/lifestyle. At least your computer will always be there for you.

I guess you got to branch out some go to a lounge or something like that. If you are ready that doesn't mean that a friendship will stick. You might not be right for a person you could fall apart if you all come together at first. Attend a group and make them your friends or just be happy for those who are friends. Live through them. Rejection is also a possibility. There is website I saw called girlfriend social, just like a dating site but it is for friends. Go crazy until you can get a friend. Even if your intentions are good all of your not trusting people is out of the way you have to find someone who is willing to be your friend. You see what I'm saying?!

I have social anxiety too, but only in large groups of people.

I've lost several good friends over the years due to death (lost two friends to cancer, and one to a car accident). Other friends of mine have moved away, and I only see them on facebook now.

The most challenging thing about making friends as an adult, is that people often formed their friendships back when they were much younger. You can always make new friends, but with the understanding that they may always have someone else they are closer to. This used to hurt my feelings, but I have come to accept it. I just try to enjoy whatever time that friends are willing to spend with me. I don't have to be their best buddy and they don't have to be mine.

I recently joined a book club and I am a member of several mom's groups. You might consider joining something. There are also groups that meet at the local libraries.