Hey,

I feel I need to share my feelings over not having a mother who'd support me in what I want to do with my life..

I think she gets jealous every time she sees me about to get something she never had. She reacts by flying into fits of rage, threatening to withdraw her love, making it seem like I'm out to hurt her, etc.

To be honest, I'm past trying to understand her. I think she is this way because emotionally, she's at the level of a small child. I don't know how to get her out of there, and she won't get help from professionals, so as far as I'm concerned, it's not my problem anymore.

What is my problem is that I've become financially dependent on her due to illness. I'm all the time working to regain my health, but at the same time, I feel I'm stalling and actually making myself more sick worrying about how she's going to react when she sees me becoming more and more independent - because it'll mean I'll be leaving the nest 'again'. When I left home originally, I went almost completely no-contact with her so I could focus on therapy without her trying to sabotage it all the time.

I just don't know how to deal with this fear of how she'll react.. I want to become independent more than anything, but at the same time, it's the scariest thing in the world because of her!

I guess I just need to keep taking the steps to heal from my social phobia and make it back to work, get my own flat, start living a more grown-up life.. One step at a time. Maybe that way, she'll have enough time to get used to the idea as well, little by little, without flying off the handle too badly..

I need to realise there's nothing wrong with living my own life.

And I need to deal with the hurt I feel every time I see her hating the fact that I'm making progress, instead of rejoicing it and supporting me

[dancinglady]

Go for it!!!

[marmaduke]

Your mother sounds NPD. Narcissistic.
Narc mothers see daughters as rivals and become jealous even hateful.
Check this out;
The Narcissistic Parent - LIGHT'S HOUSE