[Secretum]

I've been seeing this guy for about 6 weeks. We've been taking the relationship really slowly, but now things are starting to get somewhat physical (kissing; no sex yet) and...I'm realizing that I'm just not sexually attracted to him. He is a nice (mostly) person, but he just isn't for me. He seems to have some entitled opinions about women's place in the world (he mentioned something about certain women not being attractive, and I went on a feministing rant on how women's worth has nothing to do with whether or not men find them attractive, along with how wrong it is that women are devalued if they are not conventionally "pretty"; all he had to say was "society has a lot of problems")

He keeps trying to kiss me deeper, and I pull away. I feel guilty; he's been very patient. But I don't want to kiss him. It makes me uncomfortable. I think I might be a lesbian (I thought I was bi, but now, after this, maybe I'm not into men?). I want the opportunity to date women.

Anyway, I don't want to hurt him. I'm going to see him on Friday, and I think I will break up with him then. What should I say? What should I avoid saying? Would a simple "I'm not attracted to you" be too harsh? Maybe if I included that I am mostly attracted to women he wouldn't feel too bad about it, since it had nothing to do with him?

Thanks

[CosmicRose]

No don't tell him he isn't attractive to you, that will probably really hurt him. He also doesn't need to know you think you might be a lesbian, its not really his business. Just tell him you're too busy in your life to date anyone right now, or tell him that while he's a good guy, you just aren't ready to date anyone right now and you hope he understands. He'll get the point. You don't need to go into great detail explaining anything to him. 6 weeks is a fairly short amount of time. Let him down easy and keep it casual, basically the old its-not-you-its-me line, but say it in a way that isn't too cliché.

[emptybag]

Its only 6 weeks, just keep it short and sweet, don't mention anything that you don't want to

[crosstobear]

It's gotta be something deeper than his opinion on a certain type of woman. Even if that opinion hit you somewhere personal. Often we are unconscious of the reasons we are or are not attracted to someone. Opinions change. People evolve. People adapt. People rarely feel 100% about an opinion they talk about, and that opinion may very well be something that they say due to where they are at emotionally. It could be something that points to a greater sense of entitlement in him. It's often a variety of unspoken things that lead to a loss of attraction. If the straw that broke the camel's back was indeed about his views/preference of women, I'd suggest you maybe look into why that statement triggered very defensive feelings in you. What kind of threat did his statement pose to you? Did it strike somewhere deep inside you, do you associate a part of yourself with a certain type of woman he said he is not attracted to?

If I were you, I'd just call it off as they say above. Short, sweet, generic wording. Don't go crazy and say you're a lesbian. And don't tell him why. After all, attraction is weird, and people's preferences often change over time. Attraction is a lot about where you are at at the time. It's also based on schemas and ideas we have about the world and people that exist in our mind and are contingent upon significant figures in our lives. It's a very complicated thing and it just makes no sense to hurt him and say why you lost attraction to him, because you probably can't tell the real reason and much of it may about about you and what is going on inside you. Just say the usual "you're nice, but" and cut it off. Then maybe do some soul searching.

Studies show more women are fluid in sexual orientation than men. Men's sexual orientation tends to be a black and white thing based on sexual attraction whereas women's is very based on emotional connection. According to research, women may have phases in life where they are attracted to the same sex, but often it's about the relationship they have with the specific person, be it male or female, and the sense of security, closeness, and attachment they have with them. And this goes back to models of attachment developed throughout the earlier life stages where the brain was engaged in development and pruning. If you're in therapy, maybe explore this with your clinician. The development of sexuality often goes back to your childhood. In any case, you can use this event as a catalyst to becoming more self-aware and discovering what you really want in a relationship at this point. Hope my advice helped- the advice on breaking it off was a bit obvious, but I wanted more to point you in the direction of looking at this in a long-term, analytical perspective.

[divine1966]

Was he referring to a specific woman you know like saying rude things " your sister is not attractive because she is overweight", or was it a general statement?

There are some types of men I don't find attractive ( for me, there are many women who would fall over them) but I am not entitled or think there is much value in my opinion. It's just opinion.

Now if you are not attracted to him regardless of that statement, then just end it with polite generic statement. Sometimes attraction just isn't there

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

"This just isn't going where I thought it would."

It's only been 6wks. You aren't exactly attached at the hip. A simple short explanation is all you owe him.

[Rose76]

It probably does have something to do with him, but I would also avoid saying that you're not attracted to him. You could even tell him that he is an attractive person when you break uo with him. You probably wouldn't have gotten started with him, if you thought he was ugly or repulsive.

For whatever reason, this connection is just not happening for you, and there is no requirement that you, yourself, know why that is. The chemistry just isn't there. Looks probably isn't the main reason. But you don't need to insult his personality, either.

You do need to end it, since you really are not interested in him. I don't know if you should even wait until Friday. He'll be thinking he has a date Friday, only to find out that you're done with him. I think it would be more fair to call him today or tomorrow, at the latest, and cancel getting together with him Friday. You could say that you are needing to back off because you are not feeling the connection that you hoped would be there. You could also thank him for showing an interest in you.

Whether or not you might be lesbian is really not his business, at this point. I would not go into that with him. I think most people know fairly early in life which gender they are attracted to. If you feel you aren't sure, yet, you don't want to label yourself prematurely. Some psychologists claim that being truly "bi" is very rare, and that's what I happen to believe. But keep your options open until you have more experience with life and with people.

There really is no totally pain-free way to reject someone. But you haven't gotten deeply intimate with him, yet, so it's not like you've hugely misled him. He's probably already figured out that you are not wild about him. It might be okay to meet with him again to talk, if that's what he wants - after you explain that it won't be a date.

A main concern that guys have is that a girl might talk bad about them, after breaking up. It would be gracious to assure him that you won't be doing that. You could say that you respect him and that you have only good things to say about him. After all, you wouldn't have spent 6 weeks with a guy you thought was a jerk.

[Bradhadair]

There obviously isn't a lot of chemistry between you two, so I would go with that. Just say you don't feel the chemistry is there and you don't think it's worth pursuing. Chemistry is important in a relationship and if it's not there now, it probably won't develop. I don't think it has anything to do with your sexual preferences. You might be focusing on that because you're not focused on him and you're searching for reasons why. Good luck!

Bingo!!!!!