[alex_1987]

As the title says, I'm 7 months removed from an intense but very painful relationship with my ex-girlfriend. Let me start by saying that my ex-girlfriend told me at the end of everything that she was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, and I know much of what I experienced was deeply, embarrassingly dysfunctional, but I can't help but still feel slightly wounded from the experience even so many months later. I think I just need to get it out.

Also, I want to emphasize that although, obviously, I'm here seeking some kind of support or feedback, I'm not constantly ruminating. I'm doing well, have great friends and family, and a new job that I love. But I have to admit that this is still something I think about and to this day have very confused and painful feelings...

Some of this probably isn't helped by the fact that my ex-girlfriend--let's call her Marie--was the first person I developed really strong feelings for (We meet in our mid-twenties, but I was late bloomer with relationships lol, and I feel for her hard. But I quickly started learning the pain she carried beneath the surface. She revealed to me that she was she was sexually abused as a child by her biological father, and that has left her dealing with PTSD and very severe depression as well. She told that she's tried to commit suicide in the past. Of course, that's only one side of the coin. The other is the absolutely incredible person she is. Fiery, compassionate, worldly, ambitious. She was an amazing woman.

When we first started dating, she was only a few months removed from being in a very serious and, by her own account, volatile and dysfunctional relationship with someone named James. From what she told me, James was VERY unstable. In addition to being profoundly emotionally abusive and possessive, she told me that James also hit her on a few occasions. Everything she told me about this person made me hate him.

James and her still maintained a relationship as friends after they broke up. When James found out that she was dating me seriously, he freaked out and basically skipped town, leaving Marie to clean up his mess. He placed a huge emotional burden on Marie for being with me, basically saying that she betrayed him. All of this of course made Marie feel miserable. But they seemed to have a connection that was hard to shake. It was one of those things where Marie would frequently say, "He's an *******, but he knows me better than anyone else... He'll always be apart of my life."

A few weeks later James returned, presumably after a stay in mental health facility, to settle his debts. First thing I had a hard time dealing with was that Marie told me that James had so thoroughly alienated everyone that he HAD to stay with her. Ugh. Secondly, what I didn't realize was that "paying his debts" meant stealing. He took Marie to the mall where he was caught stealing by the police. Both of them were charged with theft and are currently awaiting their court date. Marie didn't steal anything but she was with him and knew what he was there to do. I helped get Marie and James out of prison. Marie was incredibly shaken and depressed. She was afraid that her life was over. I stood by her and told I her I loved her and wanted her to support her through this. But I told her I couldn't necessarily do it if James was going to continue to be a part of her life. Eventually James left the city, but only after he basically had a breakdown because I spent the night with Marie (he was still harboring some delusions that they were going to get back together). He tore through her room and found a condom. When she tried to stop him, he hit her.

Anyway, despite the impending court date things with Marie were going well for a while (I'm well aware how hilarious that statement reads in hindsight lol).

Things fell apart between me and Marie one night when I told her as calmly and constructively as I could that it made me uncomfortable how frequently she texted with James in front of me (they truly did it constantly). She got really upset. She accused me of being insecure, of not loving her "unconditionally", of not being able to "handle it". Then she told me the only reason she spoke to him so much was because she was feeling really depressed and was considering checking herself into a facility and he was the only one she felt comfortable talking to about those issues. I told her I understood, but that in the context of our relationship I didn't think it was fair to me to caught in the middle of that anymore.

That was basically the beginning of the end. We broke up (got back together a few times, but it never got better).

Then there was a period of months when I was forced to deal with her because she owed me money from when I bailed her out of jail. That was rough. For one, she was flaky about the money initially, and basically forced me to harangue it out of her. Secondly, it felt like she was constantly doing things that were hurtful and ignorant of my feelings... She always seemed to find ways and reasons to tell me about people who were hitting on her, who she was interested in... One time she even managed to show me pictures of her and new boyfriend when I was just meeting with her so she could pay me back some money.

After a lot of non-sense, I eventually blew up on her a little, and I told her how upset I was with certain things. I told her how much it hurt me that I felt I was constantly placed beneath her ex-boyfriend. And she told me the only reason she communicated with him so much was because he was threatening to kill her or something. I don't know what to believe. I know that's not what she said when I first brought it up. But she apologized to me for certain things in as sincere a fashion I think as she could, and we're ostensibly on good terms.

The truth is though is that even 7 months out I still feel really hurt sometimes. And really angry. She just paid back the last of the money (the last couple of times she's paid me back very diligently and respectfully), so thankfully there's no reason for me to have to communicate with her anymore. But she and I have a lot of mutual friends, and I'm kind of terrified of running into her at parties and stuff. Even texting with her about the money is hurtful for no particular reason.

I just have a lot of emotions I don't know what to do with. I know that in the 7 months we've been broken up that she did eventually completely cut her ex out of her life. Now apparently she's in therapy twice a week, and I know she's been seeing someone for a couple of months (because she never fails to mention it, even though I don't ask).

I'm obviously glad she's doing better, but there's also a very petty, emotionally injured part of me that is angry as well. I'm doing well too, but I will say this... She's in a relationship right now, and I don't know if I'm ready to be in another relationship myself yet.

As irrational and petty as this, sometimes I wrestle with feeling like things are.. unfair. Obviously, in my heart of hearts I want what's best for her, and I'm glad she's done certain things like remove her ex from her life, but sometimes I can't help but think... Why couldn't you do that for me? When I asked you to? When I was basically crying for help for you to do it. I know she was only ever going to be able to do that when she was ready, but I've definitely had the thoughts. I tried really hard to be a loving partner until I decided I had to get out because it was unhealthy. But sometimes I can't shake this notion that I was just an emotional pitstop for her on this larger, toxic journey with her ex. Like I was just a stop-gap measure or something.

Believe me, I know so much of what I just described was profoundly unhealthy, and obviously I should have run away from that relationship MUCH SOONER. Despite the that, the dissolution of the relationship hurt, and still hurts sometimes.

Can anyone relate to this? Why are relationships like this so difficult to get over when so much you experienced was profoundly hurtful?

[CANDC]

Hi alex. Welcome to Psych Central. I am so sorry you are struggling with 2 toxic relationships. People here at PC may also have a therapist to talk things out. Sleep is very important to maintaining stability.

Besides being an active participant in helping oneself at Psych Cental, many people also help support each other by replying to other people's posts. Many people who are actively involved in Psych Central find it helps take them out of their own problems to develop empathy for others. And their problems are more manageable the more they help others.

Some people find the forums give them the compassion and empathy they seek. http://forums.psychcentral.com

[specialneedsmom]

It does sound like you were, In your words "an emotional pitstop" for this woman in her relationship with James which may have been more meaningful to her. You have enabled her in this toxic relationship with this other man. I can't imagine why any adult woman wants to be involved with a man who shoplifts in the mall - this is something teenagers do, not adults. She has too many problems and you cannot help her with all of them.

Regarding borderline personality disorder, my mother was formally diagnosed with this. It is not something to trifle with. I think you are better off without having this person in your life.

If you know upfront a person has these kinds of problems you should stay away, but its better to ask yourself why you got involved with such a person to begin with. On some level, does this kind of drama make you feel more intense emotions for someone, as though you were falling in love with them? Is it a form of escapism to be involved with these types of people? If you need excitement in your life, you might try to get that some other way, than through another person. (For example, traveling out of the country on your own somewhere or learning a new sport).

[hvert]

I can relate to the fact that getting over this is taking way longer than you think it should. You are so much better off for not jumping into a new relationship just to forget about the old one, as you suspect she might have done with you and as she may be doing right now by dating someone else already. You'll know when the time is right, and the timing might be a surprise.

One thing that took me a long time to figure out was that I did not have to be friends with these people afterwards. If someone abused me during a relationship, I did not have to continue to listen to them talk about their problems and drama afterwards. I didn't have to be on good terms, even if it was helpful when we accidentally met at parties. I had to really ask myself why I was doing that and what I was getting out of it and I never even thought to until someone I didn't even know well suggested that I had low self esteem to be doing what I was doing.

Not sure if that applies to your situation or not, but I can definitely relate to your post!

[deeprest2]

I also dont understand why relationships that are so hurtful are so hard to get over. My ex boyfriend treated me very badly, Ive still never got a real apology from him, probably never will but a year later I can still miss him.. well I miss what we had, I seem to know that we couldnt ever be together again. Hes moved on with the girlfriend he had while he was apparently seeing me, so its not like hes incapable of being in a relationship, it was just me. I was very loving, patient, compassionate with him and we had a very intense connection, but it still wasnt enough. I feel like his girlfriend is uglier than me too, so I really dont understand anything anymore. She also cheated on him before we got together and then came back to him later and he took her back, I would never have cheated on him. Maybe if I had hurt him first he would have loved me more? I dont understand love, and I doubt I ever will.

We are creatures of routine. When that routine ends, there is a grieving process. Worse the more important and scale of that routine. It will take time accordingly to get over it. The sooner you establish a new routine in your life the better.

I agree with the statement above that it sounds as though you were enabling her. You say you were inexperienced before your relationship with her. This would make the need to hang on all that much stronger.

YOu have told us a few things which to me can explain her behaviour. Firstly you mentioned the abuse. In some cases this will lead to an inability to make lasting relationships. In some cases to this will set the victim up to accept being (and possibly seek out) a victim in adulthood. Borderline Personality will also account for some of this - even her at times being incredibly an gregarious and attractive personality.

This ISN'T your fault. I want you to remember that.

[alex_1987]

Thanks for all for the responses and the support! I really appreciate it.

[Rachael5150]

I have the same problem, with a high school sweet heart. It was onlyb3 weeks, I enjoyed the intense high of the intense feelings, both good and bad. I don't want to be strong enough to be in this type of relationship. I feel like I'm detoxing from the massive rush I got from it , the intense loneliness I feel. Time away from him will be what will heal me. I do miss him.