[ScientiaOmnisEst]

My mom and I don't have much of a relationship. Without going into too much detail, living at home was getting to be too much, I couldn't stand the fighting, the blame, the emotional instability; I'm convinced it was exasperating issues of my own and was part the reason I couldn't do anything. So I left four months ago.

My mother has been a wreck ever since, and all her doctors agree its my fault.

Within a week of my leaving she was on anxiety medication. A month ago she called her therapist to get talked out of suicide. She resumed drinking (something she and her doctors agreed was my fault, it's the only way she could cope with my presence and issues) and had a few minor depressive episodes. Yet she would call me every day, sometimes my phone would be going off every 10 or 20 minutes for a couple hours; last week I got in a little trouble for yelling in the hallway - I was trying to explain something to her and flew into a rage when she didn't get it ( a habit that started shortly before I left).

She called me constantly, tries to advise and criticize me and threatens to get involved in my life, yet tells me I'm killing her with worry. She'd be calling me a cocksucking ***** one day and be crying in fear for me a few days later. I left to get away from this.

The fact that she cut off my phone service a few days ago is a blessing... though I should really take care of reinstating that. I need that phone to find jobs.

But I got an email this morning asking me to for my schedule to set up doctor's appointments - she's my transport, or was, since I can afford bus fare now. Yet in this message she basically told me how bad she's doing, how many appointments she has lined up, and how everyone hates me now for doing this to her and being such a screwup.

I guess I don't know what to make of this.

[Bill3]

Emotional blackmail.

(Have you personally been told by a medical proessional that she had no choice but to drink?)

You are responsible for only you, not for her.

But I have another take on this situation. Mental health is often inherited. It seems likely to me that it is from her that you inherited the propensity for your ill-health. It may very well have been your presence that triggered her own problems but that is different from causing it. Her having anxiety, depression, and irritability are problems she already had within her.

How old is your mom? I ask this because mental health issues - like bipolar - often don't show themselves until the mid-fourties. And they don't flare up as extreme until some situation triggers it.

Anyway, you are not responsible for this.

[divine1966]

You aren't responsible for her drinking whatsoever. Now it must be hard to be in your own and not working or driving. How old are you? If you are a minor she is obligated to provide for you otherwise could you manage without her? Is there anyone else who can help you?

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[Trippin2.0]

Your mother should stop blaming you for her issues, she's a big girl, she should be dealing with them instead.


You, you need to stop accepting the blame.


Don't fall for the emotional blackmail.

[Cat_Lover_58]

Sounds a lot like my mom. I've not talked to her much in the last 3 or 4 years. Now she's blackmailing my 2 adult daughters...that's the most hurtful thing, but again, it's on her. I look back on my parents, their divorce, what was said...yep, it's a total different story when it's seen from my adult eyes!

Hang in there. You are not to blame. It is NOT your fault. Be good to you! Cat

[Rose76]

You have no idea what your mother's doctors are saying about anything. They don't talk to you about your mother.

You only know what your mother claims they are saying. Her claims have nothing to do with the truth. She cares nothing about the truth.

You depend on your mother for your phone and transportation. How are you going to manage without her help?

[healingme4me]

The name calling is awful on her part.

Maybe it is good to get a different phone number and work on the public transportation to reach your own doctors.

I've never in my life ever heard of a doctor nor therapist telling anyone that alcohol consumption is obviously because of another person, lest you are holding her against her will and forcing her to drink under duress.

Just because she says she's telling people atrocities of yours, doesn't mean others are firm believers.

Work on you. At least you are away from her. Maybe change email accounts or block her address as next step?

[kennyc]

No it is NOT your fault.
You can't be responsible for other's feelings or actions, only they can.

[Pierro]

Your mother is just blaming you for her problems, you are the scapegoat. As long as she blames you it's easier for her to deal with it and her doctors are not helping. Take care of yourself

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[introm]

Take care with such emotional blackmail. You are responsible for your happiness, and that's a lot. That does not make you egocentric, just independent. I also do not believe that her doctors told her it was all your fault, because it does not make sense. It seems as if you mother has some mental issues on her own. And it can be that you have the same, so it would be easy for you to understand her issues.

[marmaduke]

None of this is your fault. You did not ask to be born. Sounds like your life has not been easy you have coped the best you can.
Mother is using you, bullying you, her scapegoat.
Have no more to do with her save yourself.

[ScientiaOmnisEst]

So many good replies and no mentioning/quoting system...plies we've bee having some good days lately

Supposedly my mom's doctors agreed that my behavior ( I'll admit, I was bad. I spent 2 years doing nothing but lazing hiding online and occasional housework. I argued, I yelled, and at my worst I stole a bunch of money I knew was hidden around the house and spent is gradually on lots of junk food. My mother knows about this and I insist in paying it back; I've already started, even) is so unbearable it was killing her, and my leaving is a huge shock and trauma. But before that they were telling her that the key to controlling her drinking was separation from me. Or at least that's at she's been telling me.

Yes, there is a lot of mental illness in that side of the family, and I'm almost positive it's part of my own issues, even though everyone insists it's situational.

Rcat: my mom's 58, an ACOA, and has suffered from depression since childhood.

I'm working on further separation. I already moved out, it supposedly caused the issues of this thread, and today I just got my phone set up - my mom was more than happy to properly kick me off her phone plan, and I now have my own small, cheap, talk-only service. I work part time and am looking for better jobs so I have some money for bills, transport and such. But now I just know I need to set up my own life.

I never thought of this kind of stuff as emotional blackmail though, or being a scapegoat. And I wanted to throw in a disclaimer that my mom's actually not an alcoholic, just a recovering problem drinker. Once while I was in high school she tried to get help for her drinking and was basically refused for not being bad enough. She still says it was to cope with new, though, especially when I first dropped out of school and lived at home.

[kennyc]

Excellent!!
You are doing well, headed in the right direction!

[healingme4me]

Why would she have money stashed away in hiding spots? So, you bought food. So, you've been less than perfect. Doesn't mean that you deserve to be treated horribly. I still don't get how any professional would say that a child, adult or otherwise, brings a person to drink?

I've heard of many hospitals turning people away for addiction help, doesn't mean the person lacks illness, just overbooked, understaffed is my understanding. It's noted in articles about the opiate/heroin crisis.

[Melmo]

Sounds like my mother. Try not to let her get into your head and make you feel guilty. It is not your fault at all. My mom is in a very bad place since my sister and I stopped talking to her and she is constantly telling friends and strangers on fb how we are keeping our kids from her and hate her and shes gonna end up having another heart attack and won't call anyone when she ends up in the hospital so if she dies, oh well. She also blamed my sister for her heart attack, because she said she has a broken heart. And told her years ago that she is dead to her but yet doesn't understand why my sister won't have anything to do with her anymore.