[Melmo]

My sister and I have always had a bad relationship with our mom. She's a very heavy smoker but I didn't realize til she took a heart attack two weeks ago that she was smoking 3 packs a day. I have two kids ages 5 years and 4
Months and my sister has a 12 month old. We've restricted her from seeing them unless she comes to our home because of her smoking (she doesn't smoke outside) and because she and my step dad fight and scream at each other constantly and I don't want my kids around that. She would get upset and depressed when we wouldn't go to their house and made it
Seem like it was on their terms. If we didn't visit them, there were ways excuses why she couldn't visit them here and would constantly be putting on Facebook that we don't let her see her grand kids.
There's sooo mug more to the story but basically after she had her heart attack she quit smoking. It's been 2 weeks now. When we visited her in the hospital she picked a fight with us both and told my sister it was her fault she had a heart attack because she had a broken heart. She also told my softer ears ago that she was dead to her. And she doesn't understand why she is still mad about that. Se picked a fight with me because she can't let go of the fact that I didn't call her when I was in labor with my second, only 5 hours later which to her is just not acceptable. But we weren't on speaking terms when I had her and I didn't need that stress.
Both me and my sister are just done at this point with her but she's my mother and I can't help but feel bad even though she puts us through Soo much.
What do I do?

[Melmo]

Also want to add, last Christmas I asked her if she wanted me and my daughter to spend Christmas Eve with her this year. She said no that she would see us on Boxing Day for the family Christmas party. So I made plans with my dad. She has been holding that against me all year, that she will never have a ****** Christmas by herself again and they will be going to Ontario for Christmas this year because of us not spending Christmas with her. I just can't win with her.
She also is constantly putting down and belittling or dad, ever since they split up when I was about 5. She says to this day that he has put us against her but she doesn't understand that she is doing it to herself and pushing us away. Our last phone conversation se yelled at me and called him a bastard.

[Bill3]

I just can't win with her.

It might be helpful to look at why you keep trying to "win", in the face of the overwhelming evidence that you can't win.

You could tell her that whenever she attacks, you will leave. You would say Mom, I have to go now. Good bye.

What bad things (if any) have happened when she attacked you on facebook?

[Melmo]

I guess I just mean I can't get her to understand where
I'm coming from and see things from my point of view to see where she's wrong. I now know it's not gonna happen and I just need to stop trying.
She doesn't attack on fb, only in person and almost always when I ant go anywhere like when she was driving us home after a good day at the apple orchard. Then when she was in the hospital she picked a fight with both me and my sister.
Nothing bad happens except people believe the lies she posts and think were the bad ones who are keepin our kids from her for no reason. I know I need to stop caring what people think but it's hard when she outright lies.

[divine1966]

My therapist said it is completely fine to limit interaction with toxic relatives to a basic minimum. Quick visits or quick phone calls and no interaction otherwise. If her behavior improves then increase your time wit her. As soon as she starts arguing say you need to leave and leave or hang up. If she asks why tell her why and leave. Unfriend on Facebook

You can't get her to understand and no need to bother.

She picks a fight only if you participate. She can't fight if you leave and not present

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[Melmo]

Originally Posted by divine1966

My therapist said it is completely fine to limit interaction with toxic relatives to a basic minimum. Quick visits or quick phone calls and no interaction otherwise. If her behavior improves then increase your time wit her. As soon as she starts arguing say you need to leave and leave or hang up. If she asks why tell her why and leave. Unfriend on Facebook

You can't get her to understand and no need to bother.

She picks a fight only if you participate. She can't fight if you leave and not present

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She doesn't need me to say a word when she tries to pick a fight. She goes on and on without me saying anything but I'm tired of the stress and drama.
Now she's saying on fb that when she ends up back in the hospital that she won't tell anyone so if she does, basically we will feel guilty.

[Bill3]

I agree with divine.

I know I need to stop caring what people think but it's hard when she outright lies.

I suspect that people are aware that she might not be telling the truth.

[healingme4me]

I think it's difficult to mend fences with those that manipulate via guilt trips.
If going anywhere, is it possible to meet there, instead of her driving you?
If there's turmoil in her home between herself and your stepdad, on top of negativity towards you and your sister, so what if she's crying foul on fb?

[Melmo]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I think it's difficult to mend fences with those that manipulate via guilt trips.
If going anywhere, is it possible to meet there, instead of her driving you?
If there's turmoil in her home between herself and your stepdad, on top of negativity towards you and your sister, so what if she's crying foul on fb?

I don't drive, so if we are to go anywhere, we need a drive there.
And it bothers me because its basically splitting up our family because family members are being told one story about us and they believe her and tell us we should apologize and basically take her side.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Melmo

I don't drive, so if we are to go anywhere, we need a drive there.
And it bothers me because its basically splitting up our family because family members are being told one story about us and they believe her and tell us we should apologize and basically take her side.

It's certainly sounding manipulative by the very fact that she has other people pushing to get her wants met.
Not all family of origins remain intact.
And it's noones place to demand of grown women that they must go against their own beliefs.

Could just explain that it's more complicated than how she's making it appear. That you appreciate their input, however it's a circular argument that you no longer have interest in participating in, any longer.

If they are emailing you this demand, perhaps it's better to use the Block features?

[divine1966]

Your mom has to drive you? I am confused. My dad is very difficult like your mom and no way I want him to drive me. Can your sister or your husband drive you?

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[Melmo]

Im single, and my sister won't have anything more to do with my mom so no.