[cjones1997]

I love my husband. He’s funny, generous, and loving. I count myself blessed to be in a relationship with such a wonderful person but there are some events that have made me feel very uneasy around him. As we enter our 2nd year of marriage such events are getting more frequent and I have started wondering if maybe they are signs of an emotionally abusive relationship. I would like to know what you think and I am open to any tips you may have on what I can do to strengthen my relationship with my husband.

My husband has never been physically violent with me, he does not call me names, he is not overly jealous, he does not isolate me from my family or friends. He pretty much doesn’t fit the description of an abusive spouse described in online forums except that he was rather pushy in the beginning of our relationship (he would stay to sleep over uninvited, he left his stuff at my place and eventually started living with me even though we had never talked it over, and he proposed to me only 6 months after we started dating while we were both under the influence). Even though I wasn’t comfortable with what was happening and how quickly it was happening, I didn’t say anything because I have a lot to gain from being in a relationship with him both emotionally and materially. We have now been married for almost 2 years and he sometimes says things to me that make me feel confused, guilty, and responsible for things that are in no way my fault (or at least I don’t think they are).

For example, he has falsely accused me of taking revenge on him. One day he said something to me and we got in a small argument about it because I disagreed with him. Later that day, we got into a big fight about something completely different. When we were talking it through after the fight, he asked me if the big fight was a way for me to get revenge on him for the small argument we had earlier that day! I was confused, hurt, and insulted that he thought I would do something like that. When I told him that it was not the case, he stopped communicating with me and we had to stop trying to work things out because it was going nowhere.

My husband also pouts and sometimes it seems like it’s for no reason. One time we went out to eat with friends. He ordered for me but I didn’t know he did so I ordered too. When we realized we had ordered an extra meal, we had to explain to the hostess that we wanted to cancel one of the orders. Everything went fine but after that incident my husband gave me the cold shoulder. I kept asking him if something was wrong but he would not respond. We therefore spent an entire afternoon awkwardly avoiding each other since he would not hold my hand or talk to me. As the day went on and he was still pouting, my resentment built up. To me this situation was so unfair. I felt responsible for the problem but I didn’t know what I did wrong! It’s like feeling guilty for a crime you don’t even know you committed. I let him cool off on his own when we got home before suggesting we talk things over. He wasn’t much more cooperative. While he was cooling off he had intentionally hurt himself (digging his nails into his flesh until he bled). He showed me what he had done and told me that that was how much he was hurting inside and that he couldn’t express it. I was horrified and felt guilty that I had done something that would push him to do such awful things to himself. I didn’t want him to hurt himself like that again so I accepted the blame even though to this day I still have no idea what I did to make him so upset.

This next behavior might seem cute but it’s really difficult to deal with. Sometimes my husband asks me if I need or want a certain object (a towel, a jacket, a piece of pie… you name it). If I say no because I really don’t want it, he does not respect my answer and before I know it he buys the object and offers it to me as a surprise gift. He then tells me that he knew that I wanted it anyways. When this happens I feel angry that he didn’t respect me when I said “no” but I feel like telling him to return it is ungrateful so I pretend to be happy to avoid upsetting him. This behavior is confusing and frustrating because it makes me feel like I don’t know what’s good for me anymore and like I don’t have a right to say no.

Lately I have a feeling that he expects me to be able to read his mind. For example, we agreed that he was in charge of making dinner plans. He did not communicate those plans with me so I had no idea where or at what time we were meeting up after work. I texted him a few hours before to know the plans but he did not respond. Then out of the blue, he calls me and asks me where I am because he is 10 minutes away. I didn’t know where he was so I could meet up with him or even if he was driving or taking public transit. When we finally met up, I told him that I would appreciate if he told me the plans a bit beforehand next time so I wouldn’t have to leave the office in a rush without knowing where to head. He replied that I should assume that if he doesn’t respond to my messages right away, he’s probably driving! To me this makes no sense because there could be many reasons why someone does not respond right away to a text message (he could have been in a metro station for all I know!). I hated how he pinned this responsibility on me again. I am not a mind reader and although I do not think of myself as an expert communicator, from what I understand assumptions are a communication faux-pas which lead to greater misunderstanding between two people.

The last behavior that makes me feel uneasy is how my husband has a hard time saying no and then finds a way to blame me for it. For example, the other day I suggested we make out before going to sleep. He agreed. When he started stroking my arm with his hand, it tickled me so I recoiled and told him that it tickled. He got upset and told me he wasn’t interested anymore because he felt rejected. He also told me that I didn’t truly want to make out with him because he had noticed that I always felt ticklish when I didn’t want him to touch me. I told him that that wasn’t the case and that sometimes I am ticklish in some places but that it doesn’t mean I don’t want to be touched. He told me that being ticklish was a choice, that he did not believe me when I said that it is not something that I have control over, and that he does not think it is possible for me to be not-ticklish somewhere one day and ticklish at the same place the next day. I felt hurt when he told me this because I feel like he does not trust me, he made me feel guilty that I can’t control my ticklishness, and his comment made me feel as if my bodily sensations were in some way wrong. The next day he brought up the topic again and told me that in fact the reason why he made such a big scene about my being ticklish was that he didn’t want to make out because he was tired and that he just couldn’t tell me “no” because it’s not in his nature to say no. Pretty much, instead of telling me “no, honey, I’m not interested in making out with you tonight because I am tired,” he built up the situation so that it looked as if I was the one who said no! I told him that he needs to work on asserting himself since I can’t say no in his place and I certainly can’t guess whether he wants to do something or not unless he tells me so. He got upset and told me that I was insensitive because I think of myself and do not consider him. He added that before asking him if he wanted to make out with me I should have considered how he is and based on that assumed that he didn’t want to make out with me! I was so confused. He told me that I know how he doesn’t like having sex right before going to sleep because he is too tired and that I should have known that kissing in bed before sleeping is the same thing. I replied that I’m not in his head and that I have absolutely no idea what he wants or does not want unless he tells me clearly. I added that it’s ok for him to tell me “no”. He told me that he can’t refuse because it’s not in his nature but that he is “working on it.” I asked him if it was something he really wanted to change. He replied that he’s working on it because he feels he has to but that if he had a choice he wouldn’t change because he’s comfortable with the way he is. To me this means he won’t change no matter how much he “works on it” since he has no real desire or motivation to change. I asked him if he had considered therapy and he replied he isn’t interested. I also asked him how I can tell if yes means yes or yes means no. This is really important for me, I told him, because I can’t make a decision if I can’t trust him and also not knowing if he’s telling me the truth means that I have a 50-50 chance of making the wrong choice and end up upsetting him. He wasn’t able to give me a clear answer, he told me he would “get back to me on that.” Meanwhile, I have to find a way to deal with this behavior without driving myself crazy.

I’m writing all of this because I don’t know how to handle my husband’s behavior. I am growing more confused, anxious, and uneasy about these types of situations. For now these situations are benign but I am worried that they will get more serious as the years go by. I have tried talking to him, reading online forums, suggesting therapy without having any success. If any of you have any ideas, suggestions, tips to help me and help him it would be greatly appreciated.

[Trippin2.0]

I honestly don't even know what to say, except that I would not be putting up with such bullshyt.

Doesn't sound much like emotional abuse to me, but I definitely would not rule out mental abuse.

The refusing to take responsibility and placing blame on you, that has definitely got to change.


You can't have an equal partnership if one is in the wrong by default because the other is too immature to accept accountability.


Expecting you to mind read and assume his next move like you two are playing some type of chess?

No, just no, irrational is too nice a word.


The not respecting your no or no thank yous, that would tick me off to no end. Because its a major red flag... Not only is it a huge sign of disrespect (I would personally throw a chair at a man who acted as if i didn't know what I wanted, as if I'm a complete idiot) but tomorrow he might make bigger decisions for you and then what?


I know this is a drastic example, but say he asks you if you'd rather quit your job and start a family... You say no, you're not ready, or you'd like to be a working mom.... He then proceeds to send your resignation via email on your behalf because you don't really know what you want...


See where I'm going with this?


That is an open door to some ugly places right there.


Also, the hurting himself and blaming you, classic emotional blackmail. You are NEVER responsible for his actions. Don't fall for such cheap tricks, its usually attention seeking or a way to manipulate you into "submission"...


Ok, after all this typing, I think I'm trying to say your relationship is full of manipulation and lacks healthy boundaries.


Boundaries is what you guys need and a therapist's office would be a good place to find them.


He's probably not a fan of that idea because he's well aware of how much he's manipulating you and obviously does not want to lose that hold over you.

[divine1966]

Omg it sounds like a nightmare kind of life. I don't know if he is abusing you but this whole situation sounds beyond ridiculous. He reminds me of my dad. Oh how awful. I suggeSt you tell him in no uncertain terms that you are making appointment for both of you in the therapist's office like next week. If he refuses to go you will know what to do. And please don't have kids with him. Imagine he treats children this way?????

You deserve so much better

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

The part of what you said about your husband asking if you want/like something and your saying "no" but then he gets it for you anyway reminded me of a former friend of mine.

He was a good person, but he had an abusive upbringing, both physically and emotionally. He often didn't have a clear understanding of what's usually referred to as boundaries.

I'd say that maybe he didn't even always have a really good grip on the separateness between what was going on inside his head and what was going on inside the head of someone he was emotionally close to.

(I'm not trying to say that all this applies to your husband. I'm just kind of throwing things out there.)

My friend also had a problem with paranoid delusions from time to time. They were mild - nothing way out there - it would always be something that could have happened in real life, but it hadn't actually happened.

When this was going on, he would get tense and confused and unhappy, understandably. I knew him for about a year before he ever told me about this happening.

My friend would also sometimes get very upset about something minor for reasons that weren't apparent. His feelings would be really strong and out of proportion in intensity for whatever had happened.

Psychotherapy and/or marriage counseling sounds like it's in the cards. If your husband won't go, either to couples counseling or to therapy on his own, you can go to individual therapy and get a professional opinion about what's going on here.

Several times in what you wrote, you were obviously aware that your boundaries weren't being respected or that other things were going wrong. You may have felt guilty anyway, but you did a very good job of knowing when interactions between the two of you aren't going the way they should and when something unhealthy is going on. Give yourself points for that. The type of things you're describing can feel crazy-making.

I'm glad that you've found the Psych Central forums. This is a good place to vent, and there is also a lot of accumulated experience here with mental health problems and relationship issues.

Like anywhere on the internet, you have to pick and choose to decide what seems to be helpful for you. I think that people on these forums usually are a little kinder and more conscientious than on your average internet forum.

Hugs. I hope that you'll be getting some helpful answers/advice here.

[Buttercup40]

OMG cjones! What a story, my heart goes out to you.
I get this feeling that he could get worse, him blaming you, ordering your meal and sulking, buying you things when you clearly said no. I think he needs counselling for his issues and maybe joint counselling regarding your marriage. I do think he's playing mind games with you and gets a buzz doing so.
You need to set some boundaries on what you want, what you'd like with him. I hope he gets the help and that both of you can work this out. Sometimes counsellors will advise you separate while sorting out the issues but, I can't see your hubby agreeing to that.
I've got my fingers crossed for you xx

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by cjones1997

. He got upset and told me that I was insensitive because I think of myself and do not consider him.

This struck a cord with me, along with the withholding affection aspect plus the digging his nails into his skin enough to cause injury to himself.

To slap a label on whether it has potential or is abusive, seems moot. The main thing is you're already uncomfortable and doubting the health of the relationship. Healthy relationships needn't create confusion nor concern. Being told that you are only thinking of yourself or that you aren't placing him first doesn't sound kosher. Not when he has determined what he thinks you need/want with disregard to what you've said. Could be a form of projection. Enough anger to draw blood sounds like internal pain/anguish that is beyond your marriage. Certainly behavior characteristics of someone that could potentially tailspin if left unaddressed.

I agree, even if he doesn't go to counseling, get yourself a professional that you can speak with and decide from there.

[ChipperMonkey]

I'd say that IMHO this is abusive. He's hurting himself instead of talking to you.....most people who injure keep it to themselves. His act was either a cry for help or another way to manipulate you.

It sort of looks like you jumped into this marriage because he looked good on paper and you could boost your economic standing. Not the greatest reasons to form a lifelong bond.

A few words come to mind,

Passive-aggressive
Manipulative
Control freak
Mental/emotional abuse
Attention seeking

All unhealthy.

Therapy or you need to set some very strong boundaries that i suspect will result in huge backlash.

You deserve better.

[marmaduke]

I have had a realtionship like this, and it IS abuse.
To buy you something you don't want because he decides 'I knew you wanted it really' is projection, he is unaware of you and your opinions, only his own.
To assume you automatically *know* what is going on in his head is 'magical thinking'
Your husband sounds like he has a narcissistic personality or at least narc traits, he does not see you as a separate entity but rather as an extentsion of himself hence the lack of bounderies, the assumtion he knows what you want more than you do, and the magical thinking (of course you know how he feels!)
You might need to get out of this realationship, narcs emotionally drain you dry.

But since they are the emotional equivalent of a 5 year-old, they completely disown the parts of themselves that tarnish their façade and accuse you of the exact things they are guilty of doing. Did you ever notice how they will accuse the most generous person of being selfish? The most truthful person is labeled a liar. Their loyal and faithful partner is accused of being unfaithful? If you pay close attention, the narcissist’s projections are really confessions that reveal insight into what the narcissist’s is actually guilty of and believes about himself/herself.

The 8 Most Common Narc-Sadistic Conversation Control Tactics | RelationshiPedia

[IceCreamKid]

Since you have asked, here is what I think.

To put it mildly your husband appears to have some issues, and aside from everything else you wrote, him injuring himself is reason enough for me to think that. I strongly suggest you suggest marital counseling to him and if he refuses to go, go yourself because something isn't right here. Actually, I think he needs to see a counselor for himself, but he likely would refuse, so I suggest you try the marital counselor first.

[lizardlady]

Man I saw red flags flying all over the place reading your post.Everything you talked about is early signs of an abusive relationship. I thought I was reading about the early stages of my own marriage. My husband wore me down with this sort of shite until I reached a bout I felt I deserved it when he hit me. Afterall, I'd done something "wrong."

I would like to suggest you read Patricia Evans two books about emotionally abusive relationships. I think you'll find some answers there.

[lavendersage]

I agree with the majority of the previous posts. Personally, if I were in your shoes, I'd be out of there in a hot minute and never, ever look back. Materially speaking, he may be all that and a bag of chips. What price do you put on your piece of mind? Personal health (as psychological/emotional feckwithery take their toll on a person)?

[sammo777]

Counselling is a great idea, for you. For him? Would he even go? You sound... emotionally mature, making the right decisions, which is great, but there's two of you here, and it looks like only one of you has the insight to try to make things better. You can't do it on your own, though. He needs to jump on board too, and if he's not able to do that, for whatever reason, you're on a hiding to nothing. Marriages end all the time. There's no big stigma these days. You don't have children. But, what you do have, are suspicions. You feel confused, crazy, unsure of yourself, unable to make your own decisions, *****-footing around so as not to upset him. who has time for that?

sure, relationships have their ups and downs, but if you feel like you're on that slippery slope, get out while you can.