Mixed feelings

Ok now don't everyone blast me but I need an opinion here...if you've read my previous posts you know my husband and I have had a rocky relationship. Quite honestly I think that we should have split up a long time ago but that I at least have stayed primarily because we have a child together and I thought staying together and trying to make it work was the right thing to do for our son. In the past few months though my relationship with my husband had degraded to the point where I've decided to file for divorce (right now I'm just saving money for the huge retainer I have to give my lawyer to start the whole process.) My problem is this: I have a male friend whom I have been very close to for the last two years. We have maintained our realationship as JUST FRIENDS. But he has always been there for me, he is the person I always turn to and feel comfortable sharing with emotionally. (and vice versa with him) I know that in a way I have depended on him to fill this void of what I was not getting from my marriage. He is really my best friend though and I can't help feeling that as my marriage draws to a close that the primary reason that it failed is that my husband and I were never friends, we never had that closeness, we don't share any common interests or ideas or express ourselves in any of the same ways. I told my friend that I was having these feeling for him and he confessed that he has admired me from afar for sometime too that he has spoken to abuse counsellors trying to find out if there was any way he could help me in my marriage because he hurts knowing I'm hurting and he want me to be happy. After we discussed everything we both agreed that we should have NO contact anymore for the time being. Neither of us are the type to launch into some tawdry affair. He was very honorable I think about the whole thing I think saying that he did not want to influence my decision about ending my marriage and that he could never be with me unless it was something I was doing on my own not because of him (otherwise how he could ever have faith in any relationship we would pursue.) So I'm trying to do the right thing and I told my husband that I wanted to be honest about my feelings and that yes this was certainly part of why I don't think it's right for us to stay together. I'm tired of waiting to be happy. Even if I don't ever see this friend again or If I find out that he's become involved with someone else when and if we do make contact again he has still influenced me and shown me in a way the closeness that I want to have with a partner that I know deep down my husband and I are never going to share. Do you all think I'm losing it? I just want to do the right thing, my hubsand and I have hurt each other for so long I just want it to stop and I don't really think our marriage can be counseled (the problem I think is just that we got together when we very young (17) and we grew up and are different people now than we were then) but also I think my husband definitely needs counseling to deal with his issues (his whole family agrees that he should see someone to figure our why he is so angry all of the time and learn to control it instead of raging) and I feel like I'm failing him and our family because I just can't cope with it and don't want to anymore. He is saying now that he is aways angry because he always suspected that I didn't really love him!! I do love him, he is the father of my child and he will always hold a special place in my heart but I am not IN LOVE with him and I guess I'm just looking for assurance that no matter what happens in your life that it is NOT NORMAL to destroy a whole room of furniture (a dresser, a fan, a CD player, several VCR tapes, a vaccuum cleaner). He is blaming ME for his anger issues and while I know that all of this is certainly not helping him I think I'm entitled to my own happiness too and he is not willing to say that he has a problem. I want him to be happy but not at the expense of my own happiness...am I being selfish?

I am in a bad marital situation too. I am not the best person to give advice but after reading your post I just wanted to say that I admire you and your friend for cooling things down until you deal with your situation. It's for the better and I have high respect for that decision.
Heidu

Thank you just for reading...I tend to post really long messages around here I know that my friend and I are doing the right thing but it's realy hard not being able to turn to the one person that I feel closest to emotionally when I'm going through such a hard time in my life right now. He told that if things get REALLY bad then I should feel like I can call him, that he'll always be there for me, but that I need to do this on my own. I know he's right but it doesn't make it any easier. I feel like I have no one now and I then I hate myself even more because I wish that my husband and I could have that kind of emotional intimacy and I know its wrong of me to have sought that outside of my marriage. So tired of hurting and feeling like all I do is hurt other people...

yes you are doing the right thing. A marriage is friendship. If you feel threatened in a friendship wouldn't you end it. As for your male friend I think that was the best thing that both of you could have done for the time being.I wish the best of luck to you.

Don't hate yourself one bit. I kinda think we are going thru alot of the same things right now. I battle everyday about whether to stay or leave. It's hard, it hurts, it can be scary and go knows we could be alot happier. I don't know what to do but the one thing I do know is I deserve to be happy and so do you. Everyone tells me I should leave except for the ones who don't really know or don't understand. It is in the end our decision. I knew 15 months ago that I should leave him and I knew 12 months ago that I really wanted to. Problem for me being I moved to another country to be with him and I have no finacial means to get back home or start over. I gave up my whole life to be here with him. I really gave up everything because I was sure. He wasn't ready to get mearried but didn't tell me. After we got married he was so afraid I would take away his life that he took away mine and destroyed our life together. Now, he is trying but he is not the man I thought I was marrying, nor will he ever be that. He has come a long way but I am afraid some damage cannot be repaired and some things I can't get over. I fear it all happening again. I read some of your posts and I can understand some of the things he does with anger. It is very scary and my heart goes out to you. You shouldn't have to live like that. It's so much easier for me to tell you then to do it myself. I am getting closer. I just want to say before I stop babbling that what they do, what they say and how they treat us is not our fault. Of course we make mistakes and say or do things too but no one deserves to be at the other end of such anger or rage. There is nothing we could do to have someone treat us like that. Listen to your heart. Believe in yourself. Do what is best for you. (and maybe remind me once in awhile) I think you said you had kids. (I don't) My mom stayed for my brothers and I but I begged her to leave my father. It is better to grow up in a stable and happy home then to have two parents and have turmoil. That is my opinion and my belief. I am not passing judgement. You just have to do what's best for you and your kids.
Hang in there, your in my thoughts today,
Heidu

rmm,

Nothing here for you to be blasted about. It sounds like you have given your relationship every chance to work, and what more can be expected of you? If you are sure inside of you that you've done your part, then take some solace in that. No relationship is perfect. My wife and I have a very good one, we are good friends, we have a lot in common, and bless her heart she has stuck by me thru some very tough times. But we have had our fair share of the down times too. It's our dedication and love to each other that has made it last and will continue to do so. Your expectations for a relationship are not unreasonable, not at all. Your spouse should be your friend, one of the best you have IMHO. I guess you can't expect to be happy in a marriage all the time, but happiness should be a big part of it. I hope you don't ever take responsibility for your husband's feeling of anger. He may get angry over something you say or do, but those feelings are his and you cannot control another human beings feelings. His display of anger by destroying your furniture does show that counseling might not be a bad idea.... I hope you or your child are not in danger. Forgive me for saying that but as an abused child, these situations always scare me.

You have a lot work ahead of you and it will take much of your energy. I hope you will continue to use us as one of your sources of support. I wish you the best and will keep you in my thoughts.

bptoo

"The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was
'committed'."

I really miss my friend. I know that must sound awful but I really do. It's almost worse knowing that we have feelings for one another and not having him around than it was denying those feelings and hiding behind the safe mask of friendship. ALMOST...I really feel like my marriage is over and if it is possible for my friend and I to have a relationship after it would be beautiful. I want so much for my son to be able to be raised in an environment that would be as loving as the one created by two people who were truly happy with life. If not then at least he showed me what a true connection is about...I can never lose that. My husband and I were never close friends, never really close at all. We met in high school, did drugs, partied, had sex, I got pregnant, we moved into together to raise the baby, got married and I don't ever remember being completely satisfied in our relationship...it was always "soon things will be better" I don't think I even really realized what exactly it was that I was missing in our relationship until this friendship gradually progressed into what I wish my marriage was more like. Knowing now how it feels to share with someone my emotions, my hopes, my fears, share interests with them, have things in common and grow in each others interests all of these things, however trivial they sound, I simply do not have in my marriage. My husband does not even understand what it is that we are missing anymore than I did and he has these other issues to deal with from his childhood as well. I've tried to share it with him but I can readily admit that I don't have alot of patience and I so when I open up to him and he scorns me I withdraw deeper again. And the sheer fact of the matter is that when it comes right down to it we don't have alot in common now. He says though that if I were truly dedicated to working on our marriage that I would have dropped this friend before I decided to file for divorce and I think that maybe he's a little right...maybe my heart was never really completely in it, maybe I just don't have faith that we are compatible. I don't think this make me a hideous person just maybe someone who needs to be a little more in touch with how she feels and a little more brave to act on those feelings. He also says that he has been unwilling to do anything to improve our marriage because he sees no point so long as I am looking for emotional support elsewhere. But this existed long before this friendship even began...the thing is that I know what I did was wrong but I know I didn't do it maliciously or really even consciously and I dont think that being having been wrong neccesarily makes him right. I think we both did wrong. Myself in not recongnising, ackowledging and acting on my feelings sooner and he by using my friendship with this person as an excuse not to work on his own issues or the issues of our marriage. I know that a good, lasting marriage takes work, and is not always perfect (my parents have been married for almost 30 years so it's not as if I've never been exposed to a good marriage) but if we had no emotional bond to begin with what is the basis of our relationship...how can we get counseling to restore something that was never there to begin with? I wish I could change the way I feel but I can't and he hates me for telling him that I have these feelings about this friend but I think that being honest with him about my feelings was the right thing to do...

I don't think that you are being selfish at all. Your husband is responsible for how he deals with anger himself. I understand how you feel for your friend and how he filled what seemed to be missing in your marriage. It has been so wonderful and I am sure helpful for you to have found such a friend who cares about you, so much so as to even talk to counselors about helping you! You have so many feelings to sort out right now. Take your time to think. Everything will eventually fall into place.

It's about time for me to go to bed. I am up too late tonight, but I had to write. I know things are very hard right now, but you'll get through it! Talk to you later.

Try not to worry too much. Taking a break is good right now to give you a chance to think and work things through. It's tough to be in a marriage where you don't get the love and respect that you so want and deserve. I didn't get that in my marriage either. If something was meant to be between you and your friend, it will happen in time. You have a lot of emotions and questions inside. For now, concentrate on changing and improving your life and that of your son.

I don't think I could've said it any better than what Mylife said. First we have to take care of ourselves and when we do whats right for us everything else will fall into place or at least make more sense.
I've been thinking alot about you. You take care of you and I hope someday we can both put posts on here that we did what was best and we are happy. I am looking forward to that day!!
Heidu

Thank you all...it was actually at my friends suggestions that I sought out this forum to toss about everything that was going on with my husband!! He did not know at the time how I felt about him but he knew obviously how he felt and knew I was basically turning to him as a sounding board and wasn't comfortable with that knowing his opinion was biased! See this is why he touches my heart...he knew I was turning to him for emotional support, he wanted to be there for me however he could (he spoke with some counsellors to get advice on the situation!!) but he didn't want to influence me because of his own feelings. When we discussed how we were both feeling before we parted company he even told me to come post about him with relation everything to get everyones feedback...so I finally did God, I miss him. My husband on the other hand thinks that when I come here to post that I'm being ridiculous and telling everyone "our business." He's not accepting that we are getting divorced...he keeps telling our son that "mommy wants to leave and get a new boyfriend" It kills me because it is not about getting a new boyfriend. It is about having a relationship that is about happiness and partnership not about just "doing the right thing" and co-existing in a home with a man I can honestly say that I would not even be friends with if I met him today. Does that sound horrible? Obviously I have made the decision not to jump into another relationship. It's simply not in my son's best interest, he doesn't need anymore confusion, and if my soon to be ex-husband is not interested in protecting his emotional well being that only leaves me. He burned our wedding album in the garage in front of our son a few days ago and told the two of us that he will not allow me to lie to my son the way I have lied to him...I wasn't trying to lie though...I really wasn't...and even if I was some tawdry ***** how does it benefit our son to tell him that? This morning was horrible...I was bringing my son to our local childrens museum and as we went to leave I noticed that my husband had gone out and taken my car (I don't even have keys to his so he knew he was leaving me without transportation and that I would have to wait for him now to get back before taking our son out) So my son was all upset and crying and my husband finally got back like 1/2 hr later and angry as I was I asked him if he wanted to come along to the museum...this was a mistake but I did it for two reasons...1. I thought that the entire point of him pulling the stunt with the car was that he wanted to go and 2. I thought that even though we are splitting up we should still be able to be civil to one another and occasionally take our son out together. H e relpied..."No, you don't really want me to go, go F$%# yourself" Now my son overhears this because he makes no attempt to keep him from hearing it) and says "But she asked you so she does want you to go" and my husband replies to our son "No she knows you want me to go so that's why she asked but I'll take you somewhere myself later without her." I think this was hurtful and unneccesary but once again I get nailed by my husband with "No, it's honest and I'm not gonna let you lie to him." Arrgghh, when will this all end.....

First off I comend you for sticking thru something so horrific. Secondly,get your son out of there. he does not need to see his father be aggressive towards you or speak to you in such a disrespectful manner. Is there no one that is willing to help you out? I am sure that you could go to an abused women shelter. that would be better then having you son in the middle of this turmoil. I am sorry for situation. I just get very upset when children are in the middle of something that they know nothing about. Take care

I am filing for divorce...just waiting a week or so to have the money for the lawyers retainer. I want to leave so bad but I don't want to in anyway help his chances of getting custody (he's told me he's going to fight me for it) and I'm afraid if I move and take my son to my parents house (which is not really all that nice in comparison to the "mansion" his family lives in) then he will throw a fit and the court is going to say it's in my sons best interests to stay in our home with him. (We're filing for irreconcible so his behaviors are not really going to even come into play.) Can't wait till this is all over...

I am so glad you are getting out. You have to do what you think is best but I think Carmen is right. You have to protect yourself and your son first. Carmen is also right about kids being put in the middle. It is too bad your husband seems to be using your son to hurt you. Kids don't understand or forget stuff like that. I have been there.
Hang in there and hopefully the worst is over soon.
Heidu

I hope so...I have been contemplating this all day and I think that I am just going to make the move with my son to my parents place for awhile and let my husband stay in the house till it's sold...it's easier than arguing with him about it even if I think it would better for our son not to have to move twice the fact of the matter is that putting my husband back in close quarters with his parents would not be good for his current mental state and neither of us can afford to maintain an apartment and half our mortgage so it's definitely a parents house for one of us...I just need to get out of this house...at this point even when we are not arguing he is still throwing around snide comments that I know my son hears and understands more than he thinks...I went downstairs where he was today and he and a friend were talking about how "every woman in this town is no good...they are all (expletive starting with a B)." I had to bite my tongue clean off not to say something. I'm just so afraid that he is going to somehow get custody from me...I know it's unlikely but if he goes in slandering me all over the place about this inappropriate relationship I had with my friend (even though we never slept together or anything and decided we couldn't talk anymore because we had feelings for each other that had no place in my life right now) I just don't know that I have the heart to turn the tables and detail his rages, his drug use, all of his issues and the reasons I want out of this to being with or even that I should go there....I don't want to drag my son through all of that. I just feel so guilty for having these feelings for my friend and that is why I decided to he honest and tell my husband about them but now I think that maybe I shouldn't have because he is just going to use it to hurt our son and what did it accomplish anyway as I had already decided to leave? Sometime I just don't think things through....arrgghh I'm so frustrated...every time I try to do the right thing I just make things worse.....