[yaab11]

I’m posting this here in the hopes of gaining some sort of insight into my girlfriend's mental state, and possibly figuring out what sort of treatment she should get (or just being directed to the right forum). If someone could take a stab at diagnosing her with something specific, that would be helpful.

Lucy and I have been in a relationship for a little over two years, and we moved in together about eight months ago. I’m a pretty level-headed and reasonable sort of person, and I rarely even raise my voice at anyone, but Lucy has become -- at least around me -- the near-complete opposite. She’s been this way to some degree or another since I’ve known her, but her behavior has become increasingly troubling to me since we began living together.

It is difficult to partake in even the most basic of activities without her stirring up some sort of needless dramatics and becoming extremely emotional. She recently had a near-breakdown over being a few minutes late for a reservation. She will become unhinged over things like debating with me on which restaurant to go to, or what TV show to watch. Actually, it is near impossible to have any sort of debate/argument/disagreement with her, without her seeing the whole thing as a personal attack on her character or her views. If I bring up an issue with her regarding something she’s doing that I don’t like, her reaction is almost always to become defensive, hyperbolic (“You hate me don’t you! You hate everything I do”, that sort of thing), angry with me, or rolling-eyes dismissive, but typically more than one of these things in rapid succession. At these times, no matter how important the issue, it’s as if she’s literally incapable of saying “I apologize, I’ll try not to do that anymore”.

Her mood can change on a whim, and these changes are often extreme. For example, she might appear really upset about something, and then she’ll get a text, her face will change, she’ll laugh and completely dismiss what she was just upset about as if it had never occurred. At my sister’s wedding, she managed switch on a whim between being gregarious toward everyone and fuming at me for not wanting to dance to a particular song that had no major significance to either of us. She can veer from being extremely lovey-dovey toward me, to being angry at me for not loving her enough. Sometimes I wonder if she just plays up her emotions for dramatic effect. I feel like she craves something from it. I think it makes her restless to NOT stir up drama. She has literally said, in regards to certain aspects of her life: “I’m not getting what I need, so I act out”. So at the very least she is self-aware, just not willing to do anything about it, and possibly doesn’t even see anything wrong with that sort of behavior.

She has tremendous insecurities as well. Two years into the relationship, she is still constantly in fear of me breaking up with her, despite the fact that we’ve moved in together and have discussed in detail marriage/family. She has admitted to me in the past that she may have masochistic tendencies, and at times I feel like her behavior is all just one big act of self-sabotage on her life.

Does any of this sound like the symptoms of any particular disorder? I realize that some of it might come off as typical “relationship stuff” but believe me when I say that with Lucy, it’s all amplified to a point where if a third party were in the room, they’d be horrified at her behavior.

I have tried in vain to get Lucy to regularly see a psychologist, but she doesn’t feel that it helps her at all. She started taking adderall recently, but I don’t think this has had any major effect on her moods one way or another (no other drugs or major alcohol usage by the way). I feel like she gets part of this from her mother, who is, to put it mildly, an exhausting basket case of worry and negativity. I know that her mother took her to psychologists as a kid, and they thought she had some kind of personality disorder, but this was like 20 years ago (we’re both 30).

On a physical level, there’s nothing wrong with her, and there’s nothing unusual about her routine. She eats fine, exercises regularly, gets a normal amount of sleep. Her day-to-day is balanced. She works hard, comes home, tries to relax, does things on the weekend.

Part of what makes this situation so difficult is that she only acts this way around me and (to a much lesser degree) her mother. She puts up a very good front for her friends and in public. Her job involves a lot of interaction with other people, and she’s a complete professional and great talker 100% of the time. When I did briefly get her to see a psychologist, I got the sense that she appeared just as put-together to this psychologist as she does to everyone else around her. I am the only one who ever sees this negative side of her.

Being around Lucy is like walking on eggshells, and it’s really taking its toll on me. If there’s some kind of medication that would potentially “even her out” a bit, I want to get her on it. Anyways, any insights would be greatly appreciated.

Hey hon, I'm sorry that this is happening to you. We can't diagnose, but I can be a good guesser!

You said something like she's in constant fear of a break up- sounds like fear of abandonment.

Also that she switches positions instantly....

I would say her symptoms seem to lean towards Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) by just what you mentioned. Of course she'll need to be properly diagnosed and treated by a qualified mental health care professional.

This can be very difficult to live with if left untreated. It requires extensive therapy sessions, DBT, and possibly some medication. The medications are similar to the ones that are used in bipolar disorders, like the ones listed below in my signature.

It'll never get better. She can like you one minute then despise you the next. Like you said, it's not a thought change, but a personality change.

Early childhood trauma/abuse can cause such personality issues. It can develop to a level of secondary structural dissociation, much like Other Specified Dissociative Disorder (OSDD)- not to start a scare or anything, it's just the order of progression.

If there is some way that you can get her help, you must. What you see now is what you got. To her, she's always been this way so it's her normal which means she'll be in denial of anything being wrong. Things won't get better until she gets help if it is BPD, or any other disorder actually.

I know what switching between personalities is like. I never noticed before in denial, but I know now and is aware of it. It was my normal for all my life, so I wasn't bothered by it.

I wish y'all luck.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

She sounds like me when I'm manic or off my meds. I have BPD and bipolar type 2. I def agree that she probably has some abandonment issues and maybe low self esteem. It can be from trauma in her past that maybe she hasn't opened up to you about. Basing this on my own experience, it won't get better unless there is some sort of intervention with meds and/or therapy. Have you sat her down and discussed your concerns? What if this is how she is no matter what? Would you stick around? I can understand if you wouldn't. I know I can be unbearable at times and I'm often even embarrassed of my actions. However like I said, I only act out when I'm manic from a bad med combo or lack thereof. I think you need to express your concerns with her and maybe see if she's open to go to a psychiatrist with you so that you can tell them what's going on from your point of view. Good luck and I hope it gets better for you!

Dx: BP2, PTSD, bulimia/anorexia
Seroquel 300mgs
Trileptal 300mgs
Buspar 45mgs
Ativan 1mg PRN
Vyvance 70mgs PRN

[alieninshadows]

Is there any chance she is pregnant? That can cause erratic mood swings, especially towards the spouse. An unplanned pregnancy may even cause her to be resentful and scared. I would look at that possibility before you get her committed. This is important to check off first in case any medication she is on is dangerous to pregnant women.

[Bill3]

I agree with AlwaysChanging2. Borderline Personality Disorder comes to my mind as being worth looking into.

[ChipperMonkey]

I agree with borderline personality disorder being a strong candidate. Even if she doesn't have the full disorder, from what you describe she has certain symptoms. Given that a personality disorder was suspected as a child, this makes BPD even more probable.

Without treatment she may not improve at all. Sometimes BPD does lessen with age, but don't count on that as being a cure all.

If she refuses treatment (which many borderlines do.....hence why they're stigmatized extensively in the therapeutic world), then you'll have to decide if you can live the rest of your life with her being exactly as she is right now. (Please don't think love is enough----it's never enough to overcome a partner who refuses to help themselves.)

[divine1966]

I would not diagnose anyone. Even doctors don't diagnose via third party description. If relationship isn't improving and things are miserable than its no matter what's her diagnosis. If it's not working for you then you know what to do

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[yaab11]

Thank you all for your replies.

Based on what you've said and my other readings on the subject today, I believe that BPD could very easily be the issue. She actually had a really terrible outburst last night that resulted in the both of us recognizing that something needs to change or this isn't going to work. I think she might actually be receptive to the idea of going to a psychiatrist and seeking treatment for it. I'll bring it up to her soon, and hopefully she won't take it too badly.